Standby Nanny Staters of the police officer variety, you are about to receive a 93 page manual on how to ride a bike. I know, I know, at last something to refer to if you fall off! Known as The official Police Cycle Training Doctrine, it cost the taxpayers a pretty penny to produce but will give bike riding officers an invaluable step-by-step guide on how to balance, stop and get off their bicycle safely. Brilliant, it’s about time. Ooh and you will also learn how to brake and avoid obstacles without crushing your balls or chipping a tooth. Volume 2 of the booklet tackles the really challenging issues like how to turn right and left into a corner and each issue comes with a handy little diagram. God love them, the “mandatory” national guide, was drawn up by the Association of Chief Police Officers but is still in draft stages and has yet to be approved .
Psst One important rule that the manual reinforces, never ever tackle a crim while “still engaged with the cycle”.
Looking for a job? Hmm, well here’s one that just might interest you. McDonalds are looking for an assistant manager to help run their only franchise in Cuba. All you need is a valid US passport and a willingness to relocate.Your job will include serving up burgers and fries to Guantanamo Bay detainees. No biggie, there are only about 215 and their guards left there anyways. The advert on the McVirginia.com site doesn’t exactly say Guantanamo but is on the Navy base so you’d be guessing it’s for them. Geez, poor bastards I thought waterboarding and incessantly loud music was bad enough.
Psst I checked out the site and couldn’t find it ! Hmm, stop messing with them Burger King!
I have been trying to dodge this story for awhile but here goes. Remember the lingerie maker Triumph who brought you the countdown to marriage bra? Hmm, well they have just unveiled their latest one…’Nice Cup in Bra’. Oh yes and it doubles as a lady golfer’s putting mat. See, now you know why I have been avoiding it. It’s designed to appeal to the busy Japanese golfing women but I am taking a long shot here and guessing, no!. Oh and it gets worse, after the fake green lawn corset is removed and becomes a putting mat, the user can sink a putt into one of the cups to hear the built-in speaker bleat out the words “nice shot”. Oh, but wait, there’s more, the bra comes with a skirt with the words “Be Quiet” printed on the rear (no built in speaker there!). If they could only get it endorsed by Tiger!
Oh for goodness sakes will you dumbasses stop ringing 911. Latest loser Mark Anthony Johnson rang the dispatcher saying he had just murdered someone and was still armed. Police responded with a “Code 3″ (that’s tech talk for full speed with lights and sirens blazing) only to find Mr Johnson home alone. Evidently he had been assaulted earlier in the day and thought if he made up a murder scenerio the police would get there quicker. He was right.
OMG, doctors in Peru got the shock of their lives when they operated on a man who complained of severe abdominal pains.Inside his gut was almost a kilo of friggin nails, coins , scrap metal and even a knife.It took over 2 hours to remove all the crap from Requelme Abanto Alvarado’s stomach. Hmm, he is now being examined by mental health experts. Geez, they just tell him he has too much iron in his system!
Psst I bet he has lost his fear of walking past a magnet!
A Florida woman, who bought Christmas wrapping paper at a Dollar Mania store in Altamonte Springs, was shocked to realize when she got home it was decorated with Nazi swastikas. Casey Lehman was just attracted to the paper because of the coloring which had a nice Chrissy feel to it, but was horrified to discover the well known Nazi symbol was plastered all over it.
Psst If you don’t believe me you can see the news story on YouTube . I can’t show it on the blog because the clip has been disabled!
Look what’s been hiding in a forest in China, a big friggin boa . Everybody panic! Keep that thing away from me, thank you very much. Oh and just in case you were worried there was only one, his friggin mate was found too (but got away). Urgh, the two 55ft, 300kg snakes were found during forest clearing in Guping city. Evidently the digger driver was so friggin traumatized he had a heart attack and died. Hmm, OK cry hoax if you must, boas ain’t friggin native to the area! I know, I know, friggin photoshop! But I had you going for a minute didn’t I?
I wonder how much 8 blocks of 20kg cheese is going for on the black market? A couple in Manawatu have been arrested for a cheese heist. The hapless pair were seen acting sus around a train track before they were later seen throwing blocks of cheese from their car window. They were arrested shortly after. Oh but wouldn’t you know it, passers-by helped themselves to the discarded cheese.
Psst I am guessing they were rather pissed their haul was friggin cheese! Polly want a cracker?
