Oldest Evidence of Life Found In Western Australia

Hey darl, did you know we are the original bloodline? Now get me another beer!!!

Well blow me down with a feather, it seems Western Australia, has unearthed the oldest evidence of life on Earth. No, not me you silly billies. They found a fossil that they believe is more than 3.4 billion years old. OK, the fossil is a friggin bacteria but it was living without oxygen. Suck that one up Greenies!!!!

Psst Dear god, does that mean everyone is descended from Aussies?

Well I’ll Be A Monkey’s Uncle!

See, you should be thanking me!

Well guys, count your blessings you haven’t got tiny spines on your penises. Scientists believe the key to evolution is man’s ability NOT to grow spines ,unlike our buddies the chimpanzees. These little lumps on the chimp’s junk are made of keratin, the same stuff as your fingernails and have kept them swinging in trees. Hmm  and women, count your lucky stars men don’t have them, those friggin spines hurt. They are designed to damage the female chimp’s vagina so she doesn’t go off and mate with another male immediately after sex.

Want sauce with that?

We Now Have An Alien Spokeswoman

No, you have to go speak to the UN, OK?

You have got to be kidding me, the United Nations have appointed a Malaysian astrophysicist, Mazlan Othman, to be the first contact for aliens if they happen to drop by Earth anytime soon. Seems Mazlan is the head of the UN’s Office for Outer Space Affairs (UNOOSA). She believes contact with aliens is imminent and the UN is ideally set up for  meet and greets with alternative lifeforms (well, they have been successful to some extent with Imadinnerjacket). Anywho, Professor Richard Crowther, an expert in space law and governance at the UK Space Agency, says Othman is absolutely the nearest thing we have to a ‘take me to your leader’ person. Hello, what about friggin NASA?????

We Are Not Alone!!!!

Oh crap, scientists believe they have found signs of life on Saturn’s moon. Yes, Titan, Saturn’s biggest moon, might have primitive alien lifeforms living off the fuel on its surface and breathing in the crap from its atmosphere. Sheez, I hope they don’t want to come to Earth and live, as if we don’t have enough mouths to feed and our health system is already overloaded without having them getting free medicals too! Imagine having to protect our atmospheric boarders (Arizona would have a fit!). OK, one big  bummer for the alien life form is scientists believe they are probably methane-based (we are water based), which mean no intergalactic  relationships ladies!!!!  Hmm, which may also explain why so many cows have been abducted? Anywho, you can read all the scientific gobbledygook here USA Today.

Jesus On His Thumb

Holy thumbprint Batman, an 8th grader from Phoenix believes he found Jesus on his thumb. Austin Coleman was doing a science project for school, where he had to place his thumbprint on a piece of paper, but when he stepped back from it he saw an image he believes resembles Jesus. What do you think loons?

Hmm?

SMBC Theater Must Have Had A Budget Cut

In my series of WTF was that video, I present SMBC Theater’s  Nature Documentary….

The Bottom Of Hell You Say!

Not so fast mister!

Remember the cleric, Kazem Sedighi,who blamed the earthquakes on woman showing too much boob? Well anywho, he reckons the reason the West haven’t had a enormous friggin killer natural disaster yet is because God is holding off to let more people sin so they can all be doomed to the bottom of hell. Bless.Hmm, so I am guessing the bottom of hell is pretty bad!

Those Friggin Aliens!

Hi, just messing with ya!

OK, no need to panic but WTF, remember NASA’s Voyager 2, the unmanned probe that was blasted off into space 33 years ago? No? Well anywho, the damn thing has begun transmitting bizarre, unintelligible signals according to German UFO expert Hartwig Hausdorf. Mr Hausdorf believes aliens have hijacked the probe which is now located near the edge of the solar system. Hmm, maybe they are just sick and tired of hearing a loop of 70′s music and greetings in 55 different languages so are sending us back some of our own medicine? Oh and NASA’s spin on the thing….  it’s a glitch in the computer memory….. but we know better than to believe them, now don’t we loons!

Hey, These Beers Are Warm!

I can't drink these!

Atta boy, a man who allegedly stole beers from a gas station returned a few minutes later to exchange them for colder ones. The man had nicked the case of warm beer while the clerk was restocking and, obviously not being British, he was peeved to learn they weren’t chilled. Anywho, when the Clarksville clerk asked the intoxicated man if he had paid for them he fled.

Roof Jumping Fail

The first rule of roof jumping is to avoid asbestos sheeting.