Should’ve Just Paid For The Meal

OK, here’s the thing people trying to get a free meal at an Indian restaurant in northern England, don’t be plucking no pubes from ya pants and then throwing them in your curry, especially if they have CCTV. Dude!!!! Evidently a customer put his hands down his pants and grabbed some short and curlies and threw them into his lamb bhuna leftovers so he wouldn’t have to pay for his meal. That’s two weeks in jail fool.

Psst I am pretty sure Indians can recognise their own pubes!!!

Poor Teddy

Hand Up, Who Farted?

You know what I hate? When you think you can squeeze out a silent fart just as Judd Trump  lines up for a shot in the Snooker World Championship semi-final against Ronnie O’Sullivan and it goes all terribly wrong. I really figgin hate that. Sheez, I just hope it wasn’t smelly too.

Psst Thanks Susi Spice  for this gem.

Snot Nice

A Saskatchewan uni professor claims that picking your nose and eating your own booger might just be healthy. Seems those pathogens floating around in the mucus might actually teach the immune system  a thing or two. Dude you got too much time on your hands…or snot. Oh and please don’t tell my mom, broccoli is bad enough!!!

Want sauce with that?

Introducing Diaper Free Child Rearing

Oh dear lord, standby for the latest eco friendly, back to nature fad about to be unleashed by tree hugging moms. Introducing diaper free child rearing. Yes indeedy, it’s becoming all the rage in the hip areas of New York to let your bub wander around without a nappy. They are even running classes where you can learn how to get your snowflake to pee on the street between parked cars. Awesome. Parents claim it is saving the environment from disposable diapers and also eliminates nappy rash. Hmm, a few shit stains on their handmade Peruvian virgin llama hair carpet will put an end to this foolery, me thinks.

It Sucks to be Hugh Jackman

I’m telling ya it wasn’t me

Some deranged stalker waltzed into Jackman’s New York gym and hurled her pube filled electric razor at him. The sobbing fan slipped past security, located the actor, pulled the razor out of her pants and chucked it at him. Jackman, bless his wolverine soul, responded by stepping backwards because he thought she was gonna pull a gun from her pants. She was later arrested, while some unlucky cop had the most awesome job of picking the pubic hair from the blade to get a DNA match. Hmm, sucks to be him too.

In Space No One Can Hear You Plop

The last thing you want to hear while you are in outer space is …. ‘Give me a napkin quick. There’s a turd floating through the air’. Seems the boys on the Apollo 10 mission weren’t very toilet savvy nor were they eager to claim ownership of the turd, in fact no one could identify it as theirs. Just some of the fun dialogue revealed in newly discovered transcripts.

Want sauce with that?

Excuse Me Waiter, There Is A Flea Collar in My Curry

Step away from your lamb curry people of Britain. A mystery meat has been discovered in six London outlets. The tests concluded the curry contained meat, just not from a lamb, pig, chicken, cow, horse or goat. Leading many to believe it could be ….DOG!

Tadpole Smuggler

A woman in China was caught attempting to smuggle tadpoles onto a plane by …wait for it… hiding them in her mouth. Airport security at one of the checkpoints had asked her to drink or discard a bottle of liquid she was carrying. They became suspicious when she poured the liquid into her mouth but refused to swallow it.  She told officials they were given to her as a present. OMG, I don’t know what’s worse, taddies swimming around your chops or someone giving them to you as a gift?

Every Single One

Oh my, why are all these pages stuck together?

A word of warning to anyone contemplating masturbating in libraries. A man from Wisconsin has been banned from  “all the libraries on the face of the earth.”after he slapped his sausage one too many times in a public library. The ban is part of his bond. Sheez, doesn’t he know you can go blind?