Lubricant Disfigures Penis

No honey, it isn’t suppose to be that big

Oh dear, a Philadelphia man is suing The Kama Sutra Co. and Kamsut Inc. for allegedly making his penis burn and swell after he applied their lubricating and desensitizing gel, resulting in permanent disfigurement and loss of sensation. Ouch. 

You Only Knocked Over One Pin

OK, here’s the thing mister, don’t be carrying a revolver in your short’s pocket while bowling. That’s a strike …. in the leg. Seems when he went up for his turn he struck his leg with the bowling ball and kaboom.

Psst Florida

Lord Almighty

A woman in North Carolina has been charged with assault using a deadly Bible . The woman allegedly used the Good Book to thump another woman, leaving her covered in cuts and bruises. No word on what the fight was about but I’m guessing it wasn’t Luke 6:29.

Introducing The Armored Nutshellz

Attention all men …. do you want to protect your balls from multiple shots from a 9 millimeter handgun or a .22 caliber pistol? Well now you can thanks to the new bullet resistant groin protection device. Jeremiah Raber spent seven years and $100,000 working on his bulletproof groin cup in his basement and now the US army are keen to test the product. Any volunteers?

Cheetah Attacks President

Winning

Botswana’s president got a nasty surprise while visiting an army barracks last week. He got too close to a cheetah at feeding time and it friggin bit/scratched him in the face. Oh, I have no idea what the cheetah was doing at the barracks either, so don’t ask.

Best Way To Get Bowser Rash

Note to would-be petrol thieves, this is not how to do it.

Psst Queensland

Shopping Cart Rage

A woman in Germany maybe charged with premeditated assault after she rammed her shopping trolley into the heels of another shopper during a fit of shopping cart rage. The incident happened when the woman got pissed at another shopper for not letting her pass in line. So enraged she left the line and attempted to pay for her purchase at the info desk. After being told no, she stormed out of the store. As luck would have it as she was leaving she spied the other woman so she grabbed her cart and rammed it into her heels. Unfortunately for her, witnesses grabbed her number plate as she fled the scene. When police arrived at her home a short time later she told them “I lost control of my shopping cart, it’s not like they have anti-lock brakes,” Meanwhile, the victim was carted away in an ambulance.

The Ninjas Did It

Telling people you were shot by  ninjas is no way to go through life son. The teen, who rocked up to hospital with a gunshot wound to his groin, originally told police he’d been shot by two men dressed as ninjas but when police found no evidence at the scene the kid confessed he had accidentally shot himself. Not cool to be telling that to your gang members.

One Way To Remove Yor Wedding Ring

On the up side I can’t help with the housework for a while.

OK, here’s the thing Mr federal prison guard, shooting your finger off to remove your wedding ring during an argument with your wife is a little excessive, don’t ya think? Yes, alcohol was involved and no, the damn ring still stayed on. Now all he has is a mangled finger for his troubles and a very peeved wife.

Vibrating Dildo Gets Wedged

What is worse than getting a dildo stuck up your butt before turning it off? Vibrating all the way to the ER and having to tell doctors to please extract it or at least turn the goddam thing off. The guy also tweeted about his woes during the entire spectacle.

 

ouch