You Should Have Just Run Away

Oh for the love of Patty Hearst, what were you thinking? Atlanta college student Aftab Aslam  was failing his English classes so he did what any 19 year old kid who is scared of his parents would do ….  he bought a new cellphone and texted his parents he’d been kidnapped. For one long, cold week poor Aslam camped out in the wilderness but it got too  rainy so he reluctantly returned to face his parents and the numerous charges… that include making a false report, false statements, tampering with evidence and terroristic threats. His parents must be so proud.

Psst Hmm, I’d be going for the ” No speaka da Engrish” excuse if I were you.

Thanks Google Maps

A Chinese man who had been abducted 23 years ago has located his real family by using Google Maps. Luo Gang, who was grabbed near his school at the age of 5,  could only remember that the town where he had lived had two bridges so he went searching on Google maps.  He found an area in Sichuan’s Linshui county and contacted a missing children’s website. As luck would have it, they had info on a couple who had lost their son 23 years ago and they were soon reunited. Dear god, doesn’t every friggin town in China have two bridges?

Jesus Appears As Ink Blot

Jesus has made yet another surprise visit. Hmm, this time as an ink blot in the movie section of a local Connecticut newspaper. Joseph McCaffrey was about to read the movie section of the paper last week when he saw the blob and showed his wife who shouted ‘It’s Jesus!’.

Party For One In Aisle 5

Hungry? Well, why not hide from the Kentucky Valumarket staff during closing time and then have the biggest booze and food party for one, EVER. The dude power drank his way through numerous cans of beer , then cooked himself 6 steaks and shrimps before finishing it off with birthday cake.  He later climbed up on the rafters to sleep it off. Hmm, in fact that’s where the police found him the next morning.

 

 

Lord Almighty

A woman in North Carolina has been charged with assault using a deadly Bible . The woman allegedly used the Good Book to thump another woman, leaving her covered in cuts and bruises. No word on what the fight was about but I’m guessing it wasn’t Luke 6:29.

Don’t You Know Any Other Songs?

An American Airlines flight was forced to make an emergency landing because some Whitney Houston fan refused to stop singing I Will Always Love You during the flight. The plane, which was heading from Los Angeles to New York, had to be diverted to Kansas City so they could boot the out of tune singer off.

 

Watford Beats Leicester

The moment underdogs Watford beat Leicester to go to the Premier League finals ….. priceless.

Oh, there’s more ….

Mugshot Suspension

OK, here’s the thing student from Georgia. Don’t be posting no mugshot you found of your high school principal on Instagram and claim it was for DUI when it was for something else or she just might attempt to have you arrested. Fortunately for the kid the cop refused so she suspended him for spreading misinformation.

Want sauce with that?

Just When You Thought It Was Safe To Sneeze

Cover your la mouths people, there is a deadly outbreak of a  SARS-like virus in France and it’s contagious as all hell. The nasty virus has killed over 18 people so far (mostly in Saudi Arabia) but is expected to spread like wildfire. The latest victim contracted nCoV-EMC after sharing a hospital ward with man who contracted it after visiting Dubai.

Kiss Cam Fail

The moral of this story is never, ever ignore your girl during kiss cam at a Fresno Grizzlies game ….. just saying.

Psst This one should work they took the friggin copyrighted music off.