Deadly Squid

No need to panic just quite yet, but a live bomb was found inside a squid caught off the coast of China. The 3lb explosive narrowly missed kabooming at a fish market when the squid was cut open. Local police suspect the rusty bomb had fallen into the ocean from a fighter jet. Hmm, sounds suspiciously like a Kim Jong Un suicide squid squad to me.

Want sauce with that?

Tadpole Smuggler

A woman in China was caught attempting to smuggle tadpoles onto a plane by …wait for it… hiding them in her mouth. Airport security at one of the checkpoints had asked her to drink or discard a bottle of liquid she was carrying. They became suspicious when she poured the liquid into her mouth but refused to swallow it.  She told officials they were given to her as a present. OMG, I don’t know what’s worse, taddies swimming around your chops or someone giving them to you as a gift?

Kim Jong Un Is Sexiest Man Alive

Sexy

OK, one more time China, The Onion is a satirical website. They like to pull the piss. So don’t go reporting that Kim Jong Un has been voted 2012′s “Sexiest Man Alive”, because it just isn’t true. Chinese newspapers missed the obvious sacrasm and published parts of The Onion’s article in their world news which went along the lines of ….. “With his devastatingly handsome, round face, his boyish charm, and his strong, sturdy frame, this Pyongyang-bred heartthrob is every woman’s dream come true,” Tsk, tsk China.

I’m On The Highway To Hell

This is what happens if you take on the local government in China. An elderly couple who refused to have their home in a block of flats demolished, because the compensation was too low, now have to contend with a massive traffic and noise nightmare. Thanks to a change in Chinese laws, local authorities can no longer oust people from their homes without their consent but they can sure make their lives are a living hell. This local goverment decided to build the motorway (which goes to the airport) around their property after they refused to budge.

Epic Teacher Fail

Oh my, a Chinese pre school teacher was been given her marching orders after she posted a photo of herself lifting a kid off the ground by his ears!!! Evidently Yan Yanhong posted about 700 photos of children being abused in her school but claims they were taken by another teacher. When Yanhong was confronted by reporters she told them we “were just having fun”.

Kid being thrown backwards into a bin. 

We were just mucking around!

You Are Not My Beautiful Wife

A man in China has successfully divorced and sued his wife for $120,000 for being ugly. The whole thing began unraveling when a much in love Jian Feng and his wife had a baby….an extremely ugly baby. Feng, who was absolutely horrified by the look of the bub, suspected his wife had cheated on him. When he confronted her he discovered the inconvenient truth. His beautiful wife had spent $100,000 on intense plastic surgery before they had met. Yep, she’d been fugly as. Feng was floored and decided not only to divorce her but sue her for marrying him under false pretences. The judge sympathized with Feng and he won the case.

Psst Hmm, if she could spend $100,000 on surgery she must have been a ugly and RICH.

Blood Red Yangtze River

OK loons, no need to panic but China’s Yangtze River has turned friggin blood red. So far no one has any logical explanation for this strange occurrence but I’m guessing it can’t be good.

Psst Maybe someone washed their red socks in it?

What’s An Olympics Without Accusations of Doping

Here’s the thing Chinese female swimmer, if you smash your personal best by more than 5 seconds and swim faster that the men’s number 1 to claim a gold medal, expect all eyebrows to be raised. 16 year old Ye Shiwen is under attack after what many coaches say is an “unbelievable” 400m individual medley world record. There has now been a call for an investigation into the Chinese, not just for doping but for the use of genetic manipulation. Seriously, is it that important to win a silly medal and destroy your country’s reputation?

Zombie Alert

Just when you thought the Zombie apocalypse was over, last week a Chinese man named Dong  attacked a woman and started eating her face. Dong, who was not on the infamous “Bath Salts”, was drunk when he confronted and then started gnawing on the poor women.

Can You Guess?

OK loons, whack on your thinking caps and see if you can guess what this photo is all about.

Reuters

It’s China’s first female astronaut , Liu Yang,  and her buddies. They have just spent 13 days orbiting the Earth in the dodgy contraption behind them. This is their official photo op. Fortunately they had more sense than to try and trick us into believing this is a shot of them on the moon!!!

Psst Is that a friggin esky cooler in the background? Sheez, they took beer too?