The Case Of The Assassinated Budgie

OMG, one of UK’s top parakeets has been assassinated. Yes, assassinated folks.Andrew Pooley returned to his Cornwall home after being out a few hours  only to discover utter carnage. His champion Penmead Pride had been stamped to death, 9 others murdered and 21 others missing. The incident happened the night before the Cornwall Budgerigar Society Club Show (where the year before Penmead Pride won “Best In Breed”). Police believe the culprit is someone from the bird keeping community. Ya think?

You Swine

Help!

Dan Bettison and Lauren Edlin were shocked when they discovered their pet kune kune pigs, Truffle and Humbug, had been stolen from their pen at St John Inn, in Torpoint, Cornwall. So imagine what they were like, when the following day they received a message on their phone demanding £200 ransom for the safe return of the pigs. OMG, swine nappers. This could mean they’re bacon!

Nanny State Alert

Health and safety officials have banned a vicar from winding the St Michael’s church clock in Cornwall because it is too dangerous to climb the 8 steps of a ladder, despite the feat being performed for 200 years without incident. Bless.

Could You Leave The Light On Until I Fall Asleep?

Oh how sweet, Devon and Cornwall police will be handing out questionnaires to 1,000 prisoners to see if they are happy with the service at the prisons. Oh yes, they will be asked about the food, reading materials and cleanliness for starters.  Hmm, here are some examples of the questions they will be asked …do you feel safe in your cell, is it clean enough, is it too hot or too cold and does it have adequate lighting.Oh bless and the reasoning behind the questionnaire? It is part of a pilot program to see if there are “any areas our service that we can realistically improve”. Blahahahaa Nanny State at it’s very best. Be a love and run me a bath!

WTF Was That?

Lets see how fast they can really run?

OK joggers, try not to piss off the birds. Seems some British buzzards are just as opposed to physical fitness and lycra as I am. Stuart Urquhart was out jogging in Cornwall when he was attacked by a buzzard, that’s right, a friggin buzzard. The angry little enormous thing flew down and whacked him on the back of the head, leaving a bloodied mess for Stuart to clean up… “I have brown hair and I wasn’t sure if the buzzard had mistaken me for a big, slow rabbit”. No Stuart, he just doesn’t like friggin joggers (take a hint!). Then low and behold, after having a nice old tetanus shot,  Stuart resumed the friggin jogging thingy (hello!).  Hmm and of course that buzzard was still sitting right there waiting for him. This time fearless Stuart mangaged to dive clear as the bird came at him with his talons at the ready. Another jogger, Paul Powell, was also attacked, he now has some nice puncture wounds to the head thanks to those buzzard talons. So all and all a good week for buzzards in Britain.