Didn’t see it coming

Feet up everybody, a 10 year old girl has been swallowed by a croc in Indonesia. She was splashing around in a river minding her own beeswax when an enormous beast emerged and swallowed her whole. Her father witnessed the incident.

Confessions of a Loon

OK people, I have to admit I too have a creature in my yard that could attract unwarranted attention by cops. He’s been living in my pond for several years now and has successfully scared away 2 postmen, 1 curious cat and and the water meter reader guy.

He Ain’t No Steve Irwin

The moral of this story is when Anaconda hunting, mind the friggin caimans. BBC wildlife presenter Steve Backshall was out hunting snakes in Argentina’s wetlands when he trod on the friggin crocodile thingy and it took a healthy chunk out of his leg. The anaconda was last seen giggling its head off.

Sheez, at least it wasn’t a crab ….

 

Croc On Plane

OK, here’s the thing fool, never, ever stow away a friggin live crocodile on a small aircraft, it will only end in tears and  death . A passenger on a flight from Kinshasa to Bandundu in the Democratic Republic of Congo is being blamed for the death of 19 people after he smuggled a croc on board. Sometime during the flight the friggin thing escaped by chewing it’s way through the sports bag it was in and you can pretty much guess the rest. Everybody panic. A horrified air hostess went screaming down the aisle to the cockpit the moment she spied the angry beast… followed closely behind by a  stampede of terrified passengers. The redistribution of weight in the aircraft then caused the plane to tip off balance and  flip over mid air. Now here’s the bitch,  the only two survivors from the flight, were a passenger (to retell the harrowing tale) and that damn croc. Unfortunately for the croc he was later cut up into itsy bitsy pieces by  rescuers.

Wanna Meet The Man Who Patted Fatso?

Introducing the fool who sat on Fatso, the 5m, 800kg saltwater crocodile, so he could give it a hug…

Crocodile Arrested

What's for lunch officer?

You have the right to remain silent, anything you say could be used against you in a court of….WTF. Northern Territory police arrested a crocodile and threw her in jail for several days for loitering! Yes that’s right loitering, the 2m female salty was found hanging around a town at Arrkuluk acting all innocent and stuff but the police knew  it was simply a ruse  so they arrested her. After doing paper, rock, scissors one of the officers bounded and gagged her, before they bundling her into the back of the ute and took her to the lock up. For three days she wandered around in the police cell getting grumpier and grumpier (food was shit I guess) hissing at the cops until the Top End croc farm came to bail her out! Hopeful she has learned her lesson!

I Told You Once, Now I Will Tell You Again!

Who's been swimming in my waterhole?

How many times do I have to tell you, don’t friggin swim with the crocs. A tourist is lucky he didn’t become a crocodile meaty bite after he went for a dip in croc infested waters in Kakadu National Park. The man, who was also camping (WTF) by the waterhole, ignored all the friggin warning signs plastered around the area and went for a swim. Enter croc. As the man put his right arm up to protect himself from the creature it chomped down on his arm. Fortunately other campers on the other side of the bank saw the drama unfold and jumped in a boat before dragging him to safety. Croc 1 Dumbass tourist 0.

Cosa Nostra’s Pet of Choice

So guess that's a yes?

Geez, the Italian mafia make the Sopranos look like the housewives of Orange County. Italian police have just seized a 5.6ft crocodile from the home of a suspected Naples Mafia boss. They think the croc had been used to intimidate local businessmen into paying protection money (yep, that would do it!). Despite the allegations, the crime boss was not been arrested but his mean little pet has been removed. Hmm, it should be large enough to make  a nice pair of shoes and a matching handbag!

Pocho The Crocodile

Here’s the thing people, if you find a friggin crocodile on the banks of a river with a gunshot wound to the eye, don’t be bringing it home and caring for it, just walk away! Reason? The next thing you’ll know, 20 years on and he will still be freeloading! Chito a Costa Rican fisherman found his best friend Pocho, a 5 metre, 445kg croc, half dead on the banks of the Parismina River over 20 years ago.With the help of some mates they dragged Pocho to Chito’s house where he stayed with him day and night (sleeping by his side) nursing him slowly back to health. WTF. Over the years the two have bonded, so much so, Pocho comes when he is called and the two are often seen frolicking in the river together.Hmm, I wonder which side of the bed Poncho sleeps? Personally I think he’s friggin mad but Chito claims he has never been so much as bitten by Pocho (I’d guess he would remember if he did).

Feet Up Everyone

OK, no need to panic but can you lift your feet nice and slow!

Hands up, who brought the friggin croc onboard? A baby crocodile has scared the living  crap out of passengers on an EgyptAir flight from Abu Dhabi to Cairo when it suddenly appeared out of nowhere mid flight. The cocky little reptile leisurely strolled down the aisle while hysterical passengers promptly lifted their feet up and screamed. He was eventually cornered and captured by crew members. He is now holidaying at the Giza Zoo.

Psst Of course no one on the flight has admitted to bringing the creature onboard. Hmm,I wonder whose pant leg he had been strapped to? Check for scratches!