Kung Fu Panda

It looked like an enormous piece of bamboo. My Bad?

How friggin slow would you have to be to get bitten by a panda? I mean, hello? Don’t they just sit there on their lazy assed behinds chomping on bamboo for goodness sakes? Hmm, evidently not. Health and safety are friggin freaking after a panda, yes you heard me, a panda, bite and clawed at a zookeepers leg at a California zoo. Bai Yun, the bitch, attacked the keeper after she wandered out of her pad when someone forgot to secure the safety barrier.

Cold Comfort

We interrupt this broadcast to make an important announcement….breast milk ice cream is OK to eat lick. Yes, the London Ice cream parlor has been given the thumbs up to go back to selling their $22 a scoop Baby Gaga breast milk ice cream.  Seems health and safety are happy with the milk screening. Now all the ice cream parlor has to worry about is Lady Gaga suing their asses off!

That Could Leave A Sour Taste In Your Mouth!

I have what????

Oh boy, remember the Baby Gaga ice cream made from breast milk? Hmm, yeah about that, seems the British Health and Safety have freaked out a little and have confiscated it due to health concerns. Hmm, who knew viruses such as hepatitis can be passed on through breast milk. Golly gosh, it’s enough to give you a stiff upper lip!

Swimming Pools a Fire Risk

Putting out another pool fire mister?

Hello Health and Safety, banning paddling pools because they are a “fire risk” is taking the whole Nanny State thing a little too far don’t you think? While officials are banning the 4 kidddie pools at a block of flats because the housing association in Romford say it might get in the way of engines, firefighters are branding the whole thing ridiculous. Hmm, yeah because with their trucks, they’ll simply drive over the little friggin snowflakes if they get in the way.Kidding people. They say the water would come in handy if a fire broke out.

They Want To Die Complete

OK Loons, you might have to help me out on this one. Two British men, who both had their legs amputated, are furious that they weren’t allowed to keep them. Gareth Ferrin and Robert Brownlow both wanted to have their legs embalmed so they could keep them at home and later have them placed in their coffins when they died. However the Leicestershire National Health Service said no friggin way and had them incinerated. Both legs were removed due to blood poisoning and were considered a health and safety risk. So, should they have had the right to keep their legs?

Psst Handy at Halloween.

Death by Jelly Bean Machine

Ewh ah, a factory worked has been slowly crushed to death after he jumped into a jelly bean machine without turning it off to investigate a problem. It is believed Martin Pejril, originally from Czechoslovakia, could hardly speak (or understand) English. The machine in Britain’s largest confectionery company was notorious for getting jammed but a series of blunders led to the tragic death (starting with not turning the damn thing off). After Mr Pejril jumped into the machine it re-started after a few seconds however another worker who realized he was inside the machine tried to help but pressed the wrong button. Mr Pejril was crushed between two large heavy rotary arms. Despite there being a large warning sign over the machine Tangerine Confectionery were fined £300,000 for breaching health and safety laws.

NSW Named and Shamed Food Outlets

It must be that time of the year again when NSW names and shames food outlets. Two noted recipients of the health and safety violation fines are Delicious Noodle in  Tarree  for selling food with a roach in it and having a premises literally crawling with the pests and Bankstown Bakehouse who sold a loaf of bread with a cockroach embedded in a slice.  Kinda makes you want to eat at home!

Out On A Limb

You know what’s a bitch? When teachers refuse to help a five year old stuck in a tree for health and safety reasons but dob in the passerby who eventually helps the little snowflake down . The little boy climbed the 20 ft tree and then refusing to budge so the teachers followed the guidelines by leaving him up there while they watched from inside the school. That’s when Kim Barrett spotted him and gave him a hand down. Enter head teacher from Manor school in Melksham.Instead of thanking the good Samaritan she was informed the school had rung the police for trespassing.

Tesco Health and Safety Policies

First it was no bare feet, then it was no pjs now shock horror, Tesco have banned parents from carrying their kids on their shoulders. Martin Dunkley was told to take his daughter off his shoulders before entering the store because of health and safety reasons. He declined and went elsewhere to shop.Is this really a story or just a slow news day? Anywho, you have been warned, Tesco are tough. Geez, next they will be banning shopping trolley races in the car park!

Dunce Corner is Dumb

Geez, what is school without a dunce corner? Hmm, well that’s a breach of a child’s human rights people. Health and safety officials have warned schools not to place disruptive children in corners because it will humiliated them, plus they could faint. Officials seem to think it is better just to get them to explain to the class why they are interrupting the lesson than to put them in a corner. Hmm, that will work!

Psst Last year the Lambeth council paid for disruptive students to receive foot massages in class to calm them down. Go Nanny State.