Mazed and Confused

Hello, is this 911? My family and I are lost in the Danver’s Corn Maze do you think you could come help us find our way out? Seems an evening stroll in a 7 acre corn maze got a little too much for the family of four so they decided to call the police after failing to find a way out. It took the cops 9 minutes to locate them.

Teething Problems

People, if you are going to steal purses for a living can you please make sure you keep your mouth closed during your crimes. Milton Cesar de Jesus was arrested after he lost his dentures while snatching a purse in Brazil. Unlucky for him a homeless guy spotted the choppers and handed them into police with a pretty good description of de Jesus.

One Misguided Emperor Penguin

A wayward emperor penguin who found himself eating sand on a New Zealand beach 3200km from Antarctica will have to find his own way home. Yep, New Zealand’s Department of Conservation are saying “NO” to returning the 10 month old penguin to his family, who are all sitting in the dark wondering where the hell is he! It’s swim or die. I hear they taste like chicken?

Psst Surely a zoo would take a one misguided emperor penguin?

What UFOs?

Get the hell out of here, we don't need the friggin paperwork!

Lost or conveniently misplaced? The Aussie military are claiming they have lost their X files. You know, the files containing all the hot juicy info on Unidentified Flying Objects. The discovery was made after a newspaper pulled out the old Freedom of Information (FOI) request  and got a “sorry we are unable to find the files” reply from Australia’s Department of Defense. Hmm, open that door nice and wide boys, you need to make room for all the conspiracy theorist to get through. Only one lousy file could be found and that was a sighting in Woomera a few decades ago…psst …Woomera is a military testing range in the friggin outback. The military are claiming all other files have been lost or destroyed. Evidently the Aussie military stopped taking UFO sighting reports from the public in the late 2000,  requesting all incidents now be reported to someone who cares. Hmm, that evidently is the police.

Rory McIllroy Fail

How does your husband play?

A big shout out to Rory Mcillroy, gallant in defeat after losing the Masters (that’s golf for those of you who are a tad confused) in  spectacular fashion. Poor guy was still leading the tournament after the 9th hole on the final day only to watch his ball ricochet off a tree and into the abyss on the 10th. He tried hard to recover but the friggin ball found another tree. By the time he had finished the hole he had lost the lead and his confidence. It kinda got worse on the 11th and 12th holes but by then the lead was irretrievable. Sheez, I feel your pain! Well at least he can take some comfort …. “The positive are that I led the tournament for 63 holes.” Attaboy. Oh and congrats to  Charl Schwartzel the eventual winner, whoever the dickens you are?

Psst I hate it when they say it was his to lose!

Missing Galah In My Loungeroom

Oh for the love of god has anyone lost a friggin pink and grey galah called Oscar? He is currently in my lounge room eating my curtains. OK, I don’t have curtains but if I did??????  He is tame but hates being in a friggin cage . DO I LOOK LIKE A FRIGGIN BIRD SANCTUARY?????

Sat-Navs Are A Bitch!

You know what I hate? When your friggin sat-nav sends you in circles for three days as you try to get home from the Gatwick airport. I really friggin hate that! Poor Mohammed Bellazrak (72) dropped his wife off at the airport after her flight was switched from Heathrow to Gatwick and then set his sat-nav for home. 2,000 miles later he was still circling London and the airport (the ring roads I presume!). Thank goodness someone had the good sense to notify the traffic police who used their automatic number plate recognition system to locate Mr Bellazrak. When pulled over by police a relieved Mr Bellazrak said  despite asking people for directions no one knew how to get to Trowbridge in Wiltshire.

A Small Community Announcement

Found it!

Attention people,  if anyone in Tennessee comes across a cylinder shaped package with two rods inside, friggin run, it’s radioactive!!! Fed Ex seems to have misplaced the motherload which is probably glowing in the dark as we speak! The rods are used to calibrate hospital equipment and/or nuke the living hell out of ya.

Honey, Where’s That Lottery Ticket

OMG, remember how we have been waiting for the winner of the £113million Euro lottery to show his or her face? Well, a pensioner from Coventry has come forward claiming she HAD the winning ticket but her hubby threw it away. The woman (in her 70′s) said she gave her husband the ticket for safe keeping but he accidentally threw it in the bin. Sadly, the only proof she has that she could have been richer than Robbie Williams or Rod Stewart is a notepad where she always writes down  the numbers so she can check in the paper later. Hubby might want to pack a big bag, he’s gonna be in the doghouse for quite some time I suspect!

Lost In 5 Seconds

For those of you who didn’t bother watching series 1,2,3 , 4, 5 or 6 of the TV series Lost, no worries, this should explain it all. Lost in 5 seconds …