Don’t Try This At Home Kiddies

A 10 year old kid in Massachusetts got busted after he rang 911 to complain about his mom sending him to bed at 8pm despite not having school the following day. It all went down when his mother called his bluff after he told her he was going to ring the police. Damn straight she said “go ahead” and he did. Despite hanging up without saying a word the cops came a knocking and the boy not only got a big friggin lecture from them but was also grounded for two weeks. Sweet dreams.

Please Return The Plastic Lawn Flamingos

Attention people from Massachusetts,  just letting the person or persons who stole the 39 plastic flamingos from Arthur O’Neil’s front lawn, that the ransom note has been handed over to police. The flamingos, which were dressed in colorful costumes, were stolen between May and August. Mr O’Neil who said “I understand the police have more important things to worry about, but it hurts,”, will stop displaying them if any more are stolen.

Jesus Goes Out For Chinese Takeaway

The dude is back and this time he has been spotted outside the Mayho Chinese Takeaway in Massachusetts. Not sure if he was after an eggroll or whether he was checking out St Luke’s Church across the road.

You Can’t %&*#ing Curse in Middleboro

Well %$*@ me, a new Middleboro (Massachusetts) bylaw, that now gives police the power to fine anyone caught %$*@ing swearing in public, has ruffled the feathers of the locals. A group of about 60 protestors cursed and flashed their middle fingers in disgust at the new laws. Hell, a protest isn’t complete without a megaphone, and the protestors didn’t disappoint, with an open mic allowing anyone to express their disapproval with some choice words. Hmm, I’m predicting a few people may be bankrupt by the end of the year .

No Longer Appealing

Hmm, the auto insurance industry in Massachusetts are at a loss as to why so many fewer motorist are appealing traffic accidents or traffic violations since they introduced fees and surcharges.

A House Rings 911

Evidently a derelict house in Massachusetts rang 911 in a desperate cry for help. The empty Marblehead house was suffering from leaky pipes, toxic mold, buckled floors and a sagging roof when it made the emergency call. Officers raced to the address to find the place in a state of complete chaos. Sadly the officers were powerless to assist the seriously ill structure and could only watch in horror as it creaked in pain. The owner is yet to be notified. Seems the call went out to police after water short circuited the phone system and immediately rang through to 911.

Want sauce with that?

Exhibitionist

Here’s a question for you… should a man who has a chronic issue with masturbating in public be kept in prison after he’s completed his sentence? The man in question is Donald Sauve, who has been repeatedly caught flashing his tackle and slapping his sausage in public and spent numerous times in and out of prison for his habit. Despite Sauve’s actions being gross and disturbing, it hasn’t been of a violent sexual nature nor has he ever touched or approached anyone during his little solo sessions. However, prosecutors in Salem, Massachusetts, want to use a special law aimed at  “sexually dangerous persons” to keep him behind bars indefinitely. Yay or nay?

Psst Hmm, I’d just send him to Washington where all the other wankers are!

Shark!!!!

You know that shark you saw in Somerset cove that sent you running from the water with the theme of Jaws playing in your head? Yeah about that, seems someone was playing a prank. Yep, the fin turned out to be a piece of Styrofoam cut in the shape of a shark fin, wrapped in gray duct tape and weighed down. So you can all quit ringing 911, thanks.

Tinkling The Ivory

I don’t know loons, it seems to be a week for famous piano discoveries. In Massachusetts a psychic has lead diver’s to Babe Ruth’s piano (or what’s left of it) at the bottom of Willis Pond where it was rumored  he had tossed it during one of his infamous parties.Meanwhile the world is abuzz with what could be the discovery of a  piano played by  Wolfgang Amadeus Mozart in Germany. When the 1775  fortepiano built by Christian Baumann came up for auction, a music historian had a sneaky suspicion it was the long lost piano Mozart played during his stays in Strasbourg. If the piano can be  matched to an historical oil painting, well then, hello millions!

She’s All Yours

OK, here’s the thing Massachusetts man, we have not yet reached the stage where it is  a bartering society, so no, you can’t trade your baby for beer or cocaine! Police charged Matthew Brace with reckless endangerment of a child after it was alleged he offered a convenience store employee  his 3 month old baby in exchange “For two 40s”. Which usually means beer and/or crack cocaine.  Happy Fathers Day, daddy!