It’s Over, Pack Up Your Shell and Get The Hell Out …. NOW!!!!

She just doesn’t get me!

After 115 years together Bibi and Poldi are calling it quits. In fact they can’t stand the sight of each other and are now sharing separate beds. Zookeepers at an Austrian zoo don’t know what the hell happened between the two giant tortoises  but the romance is definitely over. Female Bibi has gone on a full offensive chomping off Poldi’s shell and launching surprise attacks forcing him to retreat into a neutral corner.

Hmm, I can tell you what happened, she got sick and tired of picking up after him and  having to continually put up with his same old slow, boring sex.

Kim Kardashian’s Marriage Is OVER

Um, the marriage of Kim Kardashian and Kris Humphries is officially over, with divorce papers served. Who are these people?

What The Hell For?

Boo!

Feet up everybody, more than 160 friggin cobras have escaped from an illegal breeding laboratory in China. Locals in the town of Shijiao have been scared shitless after the deadly reptiles started making cameo appearances in houses, toilets and even kitchens. Cai Yong has admitted to authorities that he has been raising around 1,900 of the friggin things in an abandoned schoolhouse. So far most of the snakes have been killed but 5 or 6 of them are playing hard to get.