Best Way To Get Bowser Rash

Note to would-be petrol thieves, this is not how to do it.

Psst Queensland

Not Those Nuggets, Silly!!!

This is not what you want. A pair of dumbass thieves burrowed through a wall in Brisbane expecting to end up in a Jewellery store but instead they came face to face with junior staff at KFC. Whoopsie , seems the pair hacked through the wrong wall. Undeterred,they decided to hold up the Kentucky Fried Chicken store instead . This had been the pair’s third attempt at breakinginto the jewellery store.

Psst Yes, they got caught.

Niceville No More

Oh my, what nasty thieves you have there in Niceville. Teachers at Rocky Bayou Christian School were shocked to discover thieves had not only broken into their band room and stolen two computer monitors but they had also left a rude message on the dry erase board. Yep, the bastards wrote “Rocky Bayou sucks go Niceville.” Don’t you all worry now, the marker they used has been sent away for fingerprint testing. No one gets away with being nasty in Niceville.

Not So Tough Now

Holy curtain pole swinging girl Batman. Three balaclava wearing men, who broke into a house in England, got more than they bargained for when they woke an 11 year old girl. She came rushing into her parent’s bedroom, where the men were holding a gun to her father’s head and a brick to her mothers, and began swinging the curtain rod at them. Must have been one hell of a curtain pole because they fled like rats down a drain pipe.

Psst The first rule of Fight Club is: You do not talk about little curtain pole wielding girls Fight Club.

How The Thief Stole Lorax

Oh no Loons, someone has stolen a 300lb bronze statue of Lorax from the property of the late Dr Seuss. The statue was standing on on the stump of a Truffula tree and we all know what that means, if someone doesn’t have a seed to replace the tree we’re all screwed!!! I bet it was the Grinch because the cat in the hat is too goddam lazy!!!

Toilet Roll Thieves Foiled

Bummer!

Oh for crying out loud, three men have been arrested after they stole a dozen rolls of toilet paper from a New Mexico restaurant. Not to worry, the rolls were returned to their rightful place.

The Difference Between British and French Thieves

Thieves in England broke into a Lancashire prison (yes, prison) and made off with £8,000 worth of cigarettes without anyone noticing. Meanwhile French thieves made off with $400,000 worth of Louis Vuitton merchandise from a Paris airport after overtaking 4 security guards. Hmm, just goes to show that French thieves are more interested in pleasing their women. That, or they are gay!!!

Psst Thanks Bill for the heads up.

Two Trains Stolen In Switzerland

Attention loons , if you happen to come across two stolen trains from a minature train park in your travels, could you let the Swiss Vapeur Park know. Thanks! The owners are at a loss as to how the thieves managed to steal the petrol and steam trains, as one weighs almost a tonne. Hmm, I’m at a loss at why anyone would bother. Oh well!!!

Honor Amongst Thieves

When two burglars, who stole 50 burnable CD’s from Kraig Stockard’s place during their robbery, tried to record their music on them they were peeved to find that most of them had already been burned….with child porn!!! So they did what any law abiding burglars would do, they went to police . Police seized three desktop computers and three laptops from Mr Stockard’s house and later charged him with possession of porn. As for the burglars, they weren’t arrested because as the California police said “they were obviously the lesser of two evils,”

Officer, I’ve Been Chopsticked!

This is where I would fail being a thief in China, as I am hopeless using chopsticks. Pickpocket gangs are now using chopsticks to steal wallets and phones out of people’s pockets. I know, crazy huh? Using the eating utensils means they leave no fingerprints, making the cops job so much harder.