A Friggin Waving Bear

Seriously, do bears shit wave in the woods park?

Butt Slasher On The Loose

Hold onto your bum cheeks woman of Washington, you have a butt slasher in your midst. So far the man has targeted 9 woman, creeping up on them and slashing their rear ends with a box cutter. Fortunately none of the woman have received  life threatening injuries …. hmm just the abject humiliation of having their asses exposed to the elements, that’s all. The slasher is described as a 5ft6″ Latino.

Customer Service Fail

Sheez, when three of Marie Callender’s Washington restaurants were notified by management that they were bankrupt, staff didn’t muck around with formalities, they immediately closed the doors despite customers still eating. Yep,  people who were still munching away on their pies on Sunday afternoon were suddenly told to get up and leave. A group of 25 who were celebrating a birthday were also forced to vacate. A spokesperson for the chain said “It is a well thought-out but a very difficult decision.”

Want sauce with that?

Bigfoot Sighting Alert

Oh for crying out loud people, can someone get a decent friggin shot of Bigfoot, I’m sick of squinting!!! The latest footage was taken by a group of very inattentive hikers who only realized they had  been walking a few feet away from something really friggin creepy when they later downloaded it onto a computer. What do you think loons, Bigfoot or some redneck taking a shortcut home? Um, the footage was taken in Spokane, Washington, which could explain a lot!

Psst Skeptics claim the big slapping sound one of the hikers makes just before Bigfoot appears was intended to cue the “beast”.

Rain City Superhero Movement

Attention all bad guys in Lynnwood, Washington, be prepared to have your ass kicked by Phoenix, Thorn, Buster Doe, Green Reaper, Gemini, No Name, Catastrophe, Thunder 88 and Penelope. The gang of 9 superheroes who call themselves ‘Rain City Superhero Movement’ have taken to the streets to help police fight crime. Oh and if you think they are just suffering Batman envy,  these dudes all have either military or martial arts training. Hmm, except maybe for Phoenix’s glamorous female sidekick who drives him around in a KIA but never gets out of the car (possibly his mom). Phoenix carries around mace, tear gas, a taser, bulletproof vest and trauma plating on his arms and legs. Since the superheroes began their crusade 9 months ago they have been shot at, stabbed and laughed at.

Psst Oh and just a word of warning, if you come across Captain Ozone or Knight Owl, ignore them, they aren’t part of the Superhero Movement but just some random superheroes.

Gone Postal

Could there  be anything worse than an ex postal worker with a samurai sword? Sheez, I don’t know,  might want to ask the poor deli clerk who was confronted by the angry katan-style samurai sword wielding Michael Burr. The deli clerk was just minding his own beeswax when the former postal worker came in and began swinging the sword around.  Burr eventually fled the scene and ran back home where a five hour standoff with the Washington SWAT team ensued. The drama ended when a canister of tear gas was shot through his window. Burr had recently been suspended from his US postal Service job.

Burglars Show Their Kinky Side

Hmm, here’s something new in kinky. A Washington couple were caught making a sex tape in a house they had broken into. A neighbor stumbled across the burglars having sex on the floor while collecting mail for the homeowner. The pair fled the scene leaving behind their clothes and of course the video camera. Police have identified the two after watching the raunchy tape.

No Seriously Honey, It Wasn’t Me!!!

You know what I hate? When your wallet gets stolen by a sex offender and he uses your name as an alias and kaboom, you’re on a sex offender registry forever. I really friggin hate that. Dan Wheeler from Washington has been arrested, refused jobs and been rejected as a foster parent all because of a stolen identity. Both police and prosecutors have told him there is zip, nada, zilch that can be done about it. Evidently when a sex offender is arrested using an alias, that name is kept on file forever.

Psst Oh for goodness sakes why don’t the police include a photograph of the “real” Dan Wheeler on file so they can give him some piece of mind or issue him with a different social security number.

Margarine or Butter?

For a brother and sister in Washington, when it comes to making macaroni and cheese it’s friggin essential to get it right. The brother was forced to call police after an argument over whether to make the meal with butter or margarine turned ugly. It is alleged the sister went ballistic and tried to cut her brother’s neck with the serrated edge of a spatula after they fought about which was better, butter or margarine.

Psst If they bought it in a friggin pre-mix all they would have to do is add water…gosh!!!

Where’s Bin Laden?

Oh for goodness sakes people, one minute  Osama Bin Laden is hiding out in Iran training friggin falcons and the next minute (if Imadinnerjacket is to be believed)  he’s in friggin Washington. Gosh, he must have the best hiding place ever!

Psst I bet you anything he has a Twitter account!