What Are Neighbors for?

Oh, damn!

A man in England who accidentally cut his arm off with a chainsaw, calmly popped next door to tell his neighbor. Hmm that was nice of him . John Stirling had been merrily cutting a tree with a chainsaw when he slipped, cutting his arm off just below the elbow. John’s first reaction was to go next door and tell his neighbor, Steve Francis.Well, you really couldn’t expect him to dial for an ambulance with one arm, could you?. Anyway, Steve freaked out when he saw John had no arm and immediately rang for an ambulance. Whilst John was perched outside on a stool (hate to get blood on the carpet), Steve took off with his Tesco shopping bag looking for the missing arm. When he returned he placed a bag of frozen pastries in with the severed limb to keep it cold and then gave it to the ambulance driver. All reports are that John and his arm are doing fine and have been reunited in a 14 hour emergency surgery procedure.

Friggin Wall Street

Ah, can anyone spare me a dime?

It seems Wall Street may be renamed Dead End if a bail out proposal doesn’t go ahead. Like something out of a Hollywood thriller the bankers, the investors and us little people have been glued to our seats as we watch the many twist and turns. I can’t guess this ending! The latest hiccup has been the House’s failure to pass the bill. But this is an important decision, America’s last line of defence and it shouldn’t be rushed through. Nancy Pelosi delivered her line “When was the last time someone asked you for $700 billion?” like a well seasoned actor. The audience are riveted. But deep down everyone knows something has to be done or the comet’s gonna hit. Already stocks have spiraled to an all time low, people are moving restlessly in their seats, the popcorn has all been eaten and the movies about to reach its final climax. Where’s our friggin Superman? I am guessing many of the stars of this show will never be working in this town again!

Red Hot Chili Killer

An aspiring chef has died from what is believed to be accidental death caused by eating  home made chili sauce. Andrew Lee and his girlfriend’s brother decided to see who could eat the hottest chili sauce (as you do) . Lee whipped up a concoction made from his dad’s red chillies and Dolmio sauce then devoured the lot. When he went to bed he suffered from severe itching and discomfort but by morning he was dead. It is believed he died from a heart attack brought on by the sauce.

Cadbury Recalls Melamine Chocolates

Happy Valentine's Day, Honey!

Oh no, not Cadbury’s. The big British chocolate company have recalled 11 products so far, but it is excepted to rise as they discover more tainted milk in the mix. Mars and Kraft aren’t immune either,their Chinese-made Oreos, M&Ms and Snickers are on the Melamine milk nightmare list. Taiwan, Hong Kong and Australia are believed to have Cadbury tainted Chinese products on their shelves. Cadbury said all of its dairy suppliers have been cleared by government milk testing (but who is going to believe them?).Just a recap , melamine is a product used to make plastics and fertilizer. Dear god imagine the global weight loss, as people stay clear of chocolate. Doesn’t bear thinking about really, poor Jenny Craig.

Concerned melamine milk drinkers may like to check this website out, it lists all the products affected. Click here!

Have you checked the Vatican?

The 1,000 year old Hebrew Bible, Crown of Aleppo or Aleppo Codex, which got smuggled into Israel in a washing machine in 1958, is back in the news. Calling all Aleppo Codex page hoarders. Yep, the Holy Grail for Old Testament lovers could be pieced back together if researchers can find the 196 pages that are missing (roughly 40%). Yes, the Codex sleuths believe they are getting warmer to locating the missing text. Hmm, like a Da Vinci Code plot, they have traced back the Codex’s history and now believe that some of the 10,000 Aleppo Jews and a few antiquities dealers have the pages.Prior to it’s arrival in Israel, for centuries the bible had been lying quietly in an iron chest inside a Syrian synagogue. That was until the U.N. announced they had granted Israel statehood in 1947. Following that little bombshell an angry mob of Syrian’s torched the Aleppo Synagogue. Fortunately before it burnt to the ground a group of quick thinking Jews ran through the flames to rescue the Codex. Originally it was thought that the missing pages were destroyed in the fire but now they know different. Rumors have been circulating for years that the missing pages of bible still exist, but no ones talking. In 1982 relatives of a deceased woman in New York discovered a page and another New Yorker carried around a piece in his wallet as a good luck charm. Can you smell a movie sometime soon?

I Friggin Knew It!

Warning all ratepayers, wonder why the council knows your every move? Seems they have caught on to internet favorites such as Google Earth and Street View to spy on us.Those lazy bastards are using the internet to look for unauthorized structures such as pools and suspicious greenhouses in the hope of prosecuting the pants off us. So the next time you decide to go sun baking naked, just keep an eye out for Google’s satellite, you would hate them to know too much!

Only The Lonely

I must be friggin lonely!

Latest research reveals that loneliness makes you cold. Hmm, I guess that is why they call it left out in the cold, dah. However, the University of Toronto have discovered that the room temperature actually changes depending on people’s mood. One group was asked to think of a time when they had been given the colder shoulder while another group thought of a time when they were just in the click. The room temperatures varied from between 54F (12C) to 104F (40C). Obviously the rejected were as cold as polar bears while the beautiful people were as warm as kittens. The rejected and ignored people in the groups also went straight for the warm “comfort” food after the activity. Head of the Dr Chen-Bo Zhong said “We found that the experience of social exclusion literally feels cold.” So if the world hates you and you are getting the cold shoulder turn up your friggin heater and make yourself a cup of tea because that’s as good as it gets.

Fart Absorbing Undies

Gosh, this is Dan's third pair!

OK, here is a free public service announcement, if you have a spouse, friend or neighbor with a fart problem, I have a solution. My memory was triggered after the Nappy Fashion Show about a company in the US who has been making gas eating undies for some years. Yep, you no longer have to put up with your own foul smelling fart gas nor your partners. These pants absorb the lot. Made from 60% sheep’s wool felt, 30% activated carbon, 8% fiber-glass wool, and 2% polypropylene non-woven fabric, they “relieve the pain without the shame”. Wouldn’t you hate to be the receptionist taking orders at this company, especially when their motto is “Wear them for the ones you love.” So embarrassment be gone, fart to hearts content, let it rip. Wanna see em click here to Under Tecs website.

You Might Not Remember Me …

What a bitch, first you get recognized on a small foreign real estate website, then you get recognised by the entire world for faking your death and not telling your kids, now in jail you get your lights punched out because an inmate recognizes you as an ex screw (how unlucky are you?).Poor old John “faked my own death” Darwin who claims he suffers amnesia, just can’t take a trick. Evidently John ,whilst serving a 6 years jail term, was spotted by an old foe who remembered him being a warder at Holme House prison (Stockton) came up and punched him in the face a couple of times. Prison warders are ranked just below paedophiles in the most hated type of inmate.Hmm those six years are going to be very long ones, don’t drop the soap!

Diaper Catalogue 2008

I'll model them, but I am not going to demonstrate!

Mutsukian is a name to remember when thinking about buying your next pair of adult nappies. Hmm and they are also responsible for the first adult nappy fashion show . Oh yes, it’s true the fashion show included 170 different types of diapers and it also came with a catalogue. Models strutted the catwalk in Tokyo wearing such delights as the “Number Two” ( a slim crotch that gathers at the arse to prevent leakage) and  “Relief” ( a thin undie that can be pulled up real quick). The head of Mutsukian, Kiyoko Hamada, says she “wanted people to take a look at diapers in a cheerful manner”. The adult diaper business in Japan is worth $1.14 billion a year and has over 400 different kinds of adult nappies to choose from. Not only do Mutsukian run diaper shows they also provide training and certification for “nappy fitters”. Unfortunately one of the prerequisites to be a fitter is you have to urinate into a nappy (nice). One happy nappy fitter practiced relieving herself when she was stuck in a traffic jam.