Monthly Archives: November 2008

I Got Worms

Come on, no one think it funny?

Come on, no one think it funny?

Lets hope this isn’t the newest craze to hit Japan. Manabu Mizuta has just been arrested for releasing hundreds of beetle larvae inside a Japanese express train. His reason “I wanted to see women get scared and shake their legs,”.He would creep up on unsuspecting women passengers and then pour some of the wriggling worms out on the floor right next to them (I suppose it is better than being train molested?). All up Mr Mizuta had 10 containers in his backpack estimated to contain a total of 3600 worms (ewh gross). Over 18 similar cases of worms being released on trains on the Keihan line in Osaka prefecture have been reported to local police. My question is, where the hell did he find the worms in the first place?

Leave a comment

Filed under All That Is Wrong With The World, Friggin Hilarious, Friggin Japan, Friggin loon Nominee, They Live Among Us !

Isn’t It Ironic ?

You have got to be shitting me? Can you believe Coogee Bay Hotel, yep the one in the middle of the poo in the ice cream scandal, has just received two awards for excellence? The hotel scooped Accommodation Hotel of the Year and Leisure/Entertainment Hotel of the Year at the NSW Australian Hotels Association’s Awards for Excellence. Goes to show some people’s shit just doesn’t stink. If it is any consolation to the Whytes at least they didn’t take the food or service awards.If you want a whole recap of the feces in the ice cream incident just click.

Leave a comment

Filed under All That Is Wrong With The World, Friggin Hilarious, I'm Just Saying !, Well I Never

Friggin Butt Bandit Caught

Its a bitch getting the Vaseline off!

Its a bitch when you get grit in the Vaseline!

Everyone is breathing a little easier in the small town of Valentine, Nebraska, now that the Butt Bandit has finally been caught.Hmm,for over a year Thomas Larvie has been terrorizing and amusing the locals by leaving his graphic naked rear end and groin marks on glass windows around town. It seems the Butt Bandit loved nothing better than coating his arse or groin with Vaseline or lotion and then leaning up against churches, schools and shop fronts, leaving his unpleasant little grease mark. The unnamed 35 year old was caught with his pants down in the early hours of the morning. So far no charges have been filed against him.Valentine Police Chief Ben McBride called it “the weirdest case I’ve ever seen.” (ya think!).

UPDATE : Mr Thomas Larvie has been given 13 months for public indecency. Better hang on tight to the Vaseline now!

Leave a comment

Filed under All That Is Wrong With The World, Friggin Gross, Friggin Hilarious, They Live Among Us !, Well I Never

Take the Flag Down You Racist

Ah,like Braveheart, Paul Steele is proud of his heritage, that’s why he has a Saltire Scottish Flag as his curtain (well instead of one) in East Wemyss, a small English village. But the Fife Council thinks it’s racist and want it removed. What’s a man with a Saltire to do ? Bruce Combes from Fife Council’s customer services department did an inspection of his living room where the offending flag hangs and requested it be removed, despite a tricolour flag flying in his son’s window (that, it appears, isn’t racists). In all fairness the council says “It was not because we considered the flag racist.We have had complaints about this property — including the flag and its prominence.” Hmm

2 Comments

Filed under All That Is Wrong With The World, Friggin Councils, How Could We Get It So Wrong?, Well I Never

Friggin Christmas Loon

Ooh, I wonder what this is?

Ooh, I wonder what this is?

Are you friggin kidding me? Andy Parks (aka Mr Christmas) has been celebrating Christmas every friggin day for the past 14 friggin years. Get a life my friend! The electrician discovered the joys of Christmas in 1994 when he found hanging up Christmas decorations stopped him feeling bored and fed up (get a goddam puppy?). OK everyday for 14 years this is how Mr friggin Christmas’ life unravels…he starts off by getting stuck into seven or eight mince pies and glass of sherry for breakie, he then unwraps his presents (which he bought and wrapped himself), then at lunch he has all the trimming plus champagne, finally as night falls he carves the Christmas turkey. Whoops, I nearly forgot,  somewhere in between all the other celebrations he will sit down and watch the Queen’s Christmas friggin speech for the umpteenth time and open the Christmas cards he sent himself. Mr Parks says “People do think I’m crackers, but I enjoy treating myself and I’m the only one in the world who does it,”  too right. It all just sounds like one stressful nightmare. Sadly the 44-year-old Christmasholic from Melksham, Wiltshire, has had to cut back on his festive expenditure as the world financial crisis affects his £150 a week habit (welcome back to the real world). He now buys a 9lb turkey instead of his usual 14lb one, he personally delivers his Chrissy cards instead of posting them, and he now only has one Christmas tree instead of two. It’s all kinda sad really! Merry Christmas Mr Parks.

3 Comments

Filed under Denial, Friggin Hilarious, Friggin loon Nominee, They Live Among Us !

School Friggin Stinks!

Little Johnny off to Stuart's Spectrum High School

Little Johnny off to Stuarts Spectrum High School

Since when has farting been a crime? Seems in Florida if you are 12 years old, disruptive and continue to fart deliberately in school it is! A Florida student has been dragged kicking and farting out of a classroom after running a muck, turning off computers and deliberately passing gas. Police were called to Florida’s Stuart’s Spectrum High School to arrest the 150cm stinker after a complaint by his teacher D.C. Carden. Gosh and to think if there was a machete wielding ninja  on the rampage in my neighborhood the police wouldn’t be remotely interested. But back to our little farter. Due to his age his named can’t be released but his mommy collected him from the County Sheriff’s Office after he confessed to all offences. No word on whether the farts were noisy, smelly or both! Wanna see the fart wrap sheet? It is right here on Smoking Gun (ironic really).

Leave a comment

Filed under Friggin Awesome, Friggin Gross, Friggin Hilarious, How Embarrassing, Whoops!

Do You Really Want to hurt me?

Dear, dear, dear, Boy George you have got to get a new hobby, this chaining male escorts to bedroom walls ain’t working for ya. OK, Ok alleged! You know 20 years ago Audun Carlsen wouldn’t have been complaining about getting slapped around by a superstar, but now Boy George is merely a plump middle aged George O’Dowd “the DJ” , well, you know, he is an easy target (Gary Glitter’s hearing ya). It is alleged that Mr Dowd went on a wild rampage in his home attacking the male escort because he believed he was hacking into his laptop (no, a computer, silly!). Another man, also present at the time, helped Mr Dowd chain up Mr Carlsen to a bed hook before he was whacked by the hysterical 80’s rock star. Mr Carlsen described the scene to jurors “George was slapping me and beating me and punching me and screaming things.”Hmm, and that just sounds like any old gay tiff, if you ask me. Somehow he managed to screw himself off the wall and flee, wearing only boxer shorts, trainers and a pair of handcuffs (so many lines so few time!). He ran into a news agency where the owner rang the police (to make a report) and the fire brigade (to cut the friggin handcuffs off!). Mr Carlsen also claims prior to the attack Mr Dowd had been sending him bizarre emails on the Gaydar site they both frequented. In one email Boy George ranted about how “a fixated lesbian” had cloned his computer and was operating it remotely from the United States.Hmm, please don’t tell me George is a lesbian? Oh it is all so confusing! Gosh, if he is found guilty I suggest he wears soap-on-a rope in jail, just to be on the safe side or then again, maybe not!

VERDICTS IN : Despite his lawyers telling the court Boy George was simply too fat to commit the crime, he was today found guilty of falsely imprisoning HIV escort boy, Audun Carlsen. Hmm, pretty in orange!

SENTENCE : Karma Chameleon, Boy George has been sentenced to 15 months jail for his little slap and tickle handcuffing incident. Soap-on-a-rope George, soap-on-a-rope!

1 Comment

Filed under All That Is Wrong With The World, Denial, I'm Just Saying !, That's Gotta Hurt, You Go Girl!

Christmas Decorations With a Difference!

That better be a branch?

That better be a branch?

It’s the season to be hiding, falalalala. Four illegal immigrants have been found hiding in a Christmas tree bound for the Northampton town centre in England. Yep, the stowaways two from Iraq and two from Iran were found amongst the branches of a 32 ft aluminum and nylon tree (and they say Christmas is too exclusionary). Nothing says Christmas like an Iraqi bauble! This follows a separate incident where a group of Iraqi illegals were found in a truck full of ham. These guys are getting a far too clever and desperate, hiding in places even Allah wouldn’t approve.

Leave a comment

Filed under They Live Among Us !, Well I Never

You Know I Can’t Smile

See how Ethel Merman works for ya!

See how Ethel Merman works for ya!

Nothing like Barry Manilow to stop repeat offenders playing loud music. Judge Paul Sacco has got a wicked sense of humor. When teenagers front him in court for playing loud music, they usually end up in the music room from hell. Yep, they get an hours worth of Barry Manilow, Barney (purple friggin dino) and the Platters to teach them a lesson. Judge Sacco said “These people should have to listen to music they don’t like,”.So far so good, the small rural town of Fort Lupton is as quiet as a church mouse.I am sure they used Manilow music in conjunction with waterboarding at Guantanamo! Don’t quote me on that, could have been Billy Ray! I do know that Bazza is filtered through PA systems in shopping centers in Australia to stop teenagers loitering in the malls. Barry Manilow is a one hell of a lethal weapon.

Leave a comment

Filed under Friggin Hilarious, That's Gotta Hurt, Well I Never

Its About Friggin Time

Finally something for my trophy cabinet!

Finally something for my friggin trophy cabinet!

Here is a story that will warm your cockles. Anthony Knott has been a jockey for 28 years, why? No one knows, he had never won a friggin race, in fact, he had never even come close to winning a race (his best was fifth place). But this week by some divine intervention or sheer luck the 44 year old Dorset dairy farmer has won his first ever race by 1 ¾ lengths (yay). Actually he nearly didn’t,Anthony, seeing the finishing line began prematurely celebrating and waving to the crowd as another horse came up from behind and just about stole it from him. Fortunately he was able to regain his composure to win. “I’m over the moon – 28 years is a long time to wait for a victory. I just wanted to win one race and I’ve done it now so I think I’ll leave it at that.” Anthony is hanging up his saddle and whip now that he has finally got something to show for his 28 years of dedication, a huh a friggin trophy and a little dignity. Dear god don’t let Disney get wind of this story…

Leave a comment

Filed under Friggin Awesome, I'm Just Saying !, Well I Never