Monthly Archives: December 2008

70 Year Old Wants More Kids

Hmm, seems motherhood is suiting Rajo Devi, she is planning to have another baby, despite the fact she is friggin 70. Yippee, she and her farming husband are planning to have another go at the IVF program, run by doctor Anurag Bishnoi, after the successful arrival of a baby girl a few months back. They are hoping to have a boy, how sweet! Hubby has even  mortgaged all his crop of rice and bamboo for next year and taken out high interest loans to pay for the £2,000 IVF treatment. Bless.

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Filed under All That Is Wrong With The World, Evolution Be Damned!, Friggin Wrong, You Go Girl!

Alligator a Long Way From Home

Crap, I should have chucked a left at the Atlantic Ocean

Crap, I should have chucked a left at the Atlantic Ocean

By crikey, usually when you hear rustling in the bushes you expect to find a lizard or a snake not a friggin Alligator (especially in Australia). Noonameena campsite caretaker Chris Littlejohns and his wife Jan got the surprise of their life when they saw an alligator emerge from the bushes on their property in Pambula. They had been enjoying a leisurely sit down on their verandah when the strange looking beast came rushing over to them (I bet they put their feet up). It wasn’t long before a crowd of campers gathered to have a gawk at what looked like one damn ugly crocodile. After feeding it some fish the creature got a little agitated and they threw a volleyball net over it until wildlife experts arrived. Originally identified as an indigenous crocodile it was later revealed to be an alligator native to North America. No one has yet come forward to claim the lost soul who is being cared for at Mogo Zoo. I bet the friggin crocs got the fright of their life too when they saw the alligator.

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Filed under Friggin Wildlife, Well I Never

Friggin Deflated Bunny

Who are you calling Turquoise?

Who are you calling Turquoise?

Gee, did anyone happen to see a turquoise flying rabbit through the sky with a man riding it ? hmm, a woman in Surrey did . She rang 999 claiming she saw a huge flying rabbit gliding past her house with what appeared to be a man clinging to it. This sparked a full scale emergency with a helicopter, paramedics, fire crews and several police patrols rushing to Walton-on-Thames. Surrey Police later found the deflated helium balloon in the shape of a rabbit hanging from a tree. There was no evidence that anyone had been on the rabbit when it crashed. Police are now looking for the owner of one deflated bunny.

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Filed under Friggin Hilarious, Well I Never

Not A Pleasant Pheasant Shoot

Why wont you listen to me I am a Prince!

Why wont you listen to me? I am a Prince damn you!

Gosh, I don’t know what’s worse, shooting a pheasant clear out of the sky or whacking your black Labradors with a 4ft stick? Hmm, maybe just being Prince Edward? Boy, is he in big trouble.The baby boy of the royal family has cracked a little hissy fit whilst popping off birds with his father, Prince Andrew and Peter Phillips. The royal family were enjoying a pleasant day of killing things when Prince Edward blew a pheasant clear out of the sky. It was then that the problem started. Shortly after his carcass collecting Labradors raced to the death scene, they began to fight over the dead bird’s body (a royal no-no). Hmm,maybe if he had just fed the dogs better!!!. Seems Prince Edward wasn’t impressed with his hunting dogs behavior and went for them with a 4ft stick. One of the petrified pooches slunk away but was chased by his red faced owner.Unfortunately for the Duke of Wessex someone was taking pot shots of their own, a photographer. Ugh, images of the irate Prince wielding his cane at the dogs was caught all on film. Gosh, if the dogs thought they were in trouble then! Buckingham Palace quickly responded to the incident with this statement;  “He broke up the fight with the dogs and pictures show him waving his stick around. We cannot confirm, however, whether he struck the dog.”  What the hell do you need with a 4ft stick when pheasant hunting anyway? I suppose he would have shot the dogs if he didn’t have the stick! Prince Edward is never far away from animal right activist’s raised eyebrows. Three years ago he bashed a dying pigeon to death with a walking stick after it was hit by a stray bullet.Well, I suppose he takes after his dear old dad who was at the scene of a fox clubbing incident at Sandringham a few years back. An animal cruelty charge won’t look good on his resume (ooh, does he have one?). Hmm, I guess they are just royalty, not role models!

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Filed under All That Is Wrong With The World, Friggin Wildlife, That's Gotta Hurt, Whoops!

When I Was A Kid…

OK, who f...king threw that?

OK, who f...king threw that?

Oh dear, a Year 5 Primary School teacher has managed to keep his job despite the fact he likes to swear at the little shits and let them run around the classroom wielding baseball bats. The Victorian teaching watchdog of Melbourne has found RJS (as he is known) guilty of incomptetence for failing to adequately supervise students, maintain a safe environment or adequately protect students from harm. Wanna know what he did? Hmm, firstly it has been alleged he told an 11 year old “Don’t f@#*ing swear at me” and then told another class “You are a pack of arseholes”. He also allowed his students to chase each other around the class with a baseball bat, let them have wrestling fights in class, refused to stop playground fighting  and allowed the students to wander off willy, nilly.Wanna know the outcome? “The panel determined that the teacher was guilty of incompetence, but remained fit to teach,”.AHAHAHAHA I wonder what you have to do to get friggin sacked as a teacher in Australia?

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One Woman For Every Fire Engine

Oh hang on wait, I broke a nail!

Oh hang on wait, I broke a nail!

Thanks to political correctness local authorities in England will now be making it compulsory to  assign one woman fire fighter to every fire engine. Local councils are striving to “achieve recruitment targets of at least 15 per cent for women in operational roles” to meet the needs of the people. What friggin needs? If I am trapped in a fire I want some burly hunk of a fireman throwing me over his shoulder and rescuing me , not some burly hunk of a fire woman (I have my pride to think about, people!). Political correctness is fine as long as it doesn’t pose a safety risk or stop some burly male hunk rescuing me. Why can’t we just have the best people for the job, in those jobs? The world would be such a better place. At present fewer than one in ten firefighters are female.

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Filed under Friggin Councils, You Go Girl!

Thats the Pitts

James Joseph Cialella Jr did what everyone feels like doing (but would never dare) he shot someone who wouldn’t shut up during a movie at a cinema in Philadelphia. Cialella became so incensed when a family began chatting whilst watching Brad Pitt’s new movie The Curious Case of Benjamin Button he asked them to shut the hell up and when that didn’t work he threw popcorn at them. Hmm, the father of the brood didn’t take kindly to being yelled at so he began yelling back, that’s when Mr Cialella whipped out his hand gun and shot the dude in the arm before returning to his seat to watch the rest of the film. Mr Cialella was later charged with attempted murder, aggravated assault and weapons violations. No word on whether he got to see the end of the film!

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Filed under All That Is Wrong With The World, Friggin Wrong, Whoops!

Who Are You Going To Call?

Normal people ring the police or have their phone number changed when they receive death threats but Tom Cruise has gone straight to the FBI. Seems someone isn’t happy with Mr Scientology. Now lucky Katie Holmes can legitimately stay clear of couch jumping hubby as they are “forced” to live at separate locations (ooh, guess who got their Chrissy wish?). What gets me is how the hell did they get his friggin number in the first place? It isn’t like he would be listed in the phone book or he would answer it if he was.Tom and Katie are now forced to ride around in bomb proof cars. Hmm, no we aren’t talking about their movies, cars, bomb proof cars, people! Stay focused. Seems like the anti Scientology group Anonymous and several Nazi groups have been protesting at his movie premiers, giving him cause for concern.  Cruise has only just spent $10 million on building an underground bunker in Colorado. Paranoid much? Gosh, wouldn’t it be a bitch if he was the only one who survived a nuclear holocaust. Or worse still, if he did get bumped off and no one noticed! So any who, he can’t be too paranoid because TMZ are still snapping Katie and Suri around the Thirty Mile Zone or should I say the Twilight Zone? When that stops we should be worried!

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Filed under All That Is Wrong With The World, Friggin Scary, They Live Among Us !

Friggin Shark Attacks

If you go down to the beach today you’re sure of a big surprise. It’s friggin closed. Port Kennedy beach in Rockingham, Western Australia, will be closed until further notice after a man was taken by a 5m White Pointer shark in shallow water. Daniel Guest was snorkeling with his father Brian Guest in the early morning hours when suddenly the water turned red.Though Daniel didn’t see anything , he knew it couldn’t be good and high tailed it out of the water. A witness on the beach, however, saw a huge friggin shark leap from the water with what looked like a person in its mouth before the waters went still. The witness ran to a nearby house to raise the alarm and then returned to find a shaking and stunned Daniel sitting on the sand unable to speak. Only small fragments of Mr Guest’s wetsuit have been found despite a massive sea and air search. A huge white pointer was later seen swimming up to a rescue vessel.The thing with shark attacks, isn’t the fact that they can rip you into friggin two, but the fact that they already have you in their sight long before you even know its in the water. Last year two sharks worked together to attack a surfer in Margaret River. One shark came from a great depth right under the board and bumped him off, while the other one waited to eat him as he fell off.

UPDATE : Oh no, the shark which killed  Mr Guest,  has also made an appearance at today’s memorial service held at the spot where Mr Guest was last seen. Cruising just off shore near the attack scene the shark was spotted by local swimmers and the beach promptly closed. OK, it might not have been the exact same shark but it was a friggin shark!

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Filed under Friggin Wildlife, They Live Among Us !

Gavles Festive Goat Incinerated Again!

Charred remains of festive goat

Charred remains of festive goat

Leave the friggin festive goat alone people! The 13m high straw goat that resides in Gavle, Sweden, has been torched 23 times since it was first erected in 1966. Each year the tourist attracting  goat is placed in the main street during the Christmas festive season and each year someone tries to friggin ignite it. Last year by some miracle it escaped pretty much unscathed but this year up it went again. Anna Ostman who is the spokeswoman for the goat committee said they were just happy it had survived through to Christmas Eve. The tradition of the straw goat began in 1966 as a tourist attracion because it was long believed in Swedish folklore that goats not Santa delivered gifts. The first year that the straw goat was erected it was burnt to the ground and the tradition seems to have lived on. In its history only 10 goats have ever survived. In 2005 it was torched by two people dressed as Santa Claus and a Gingerbread Man.The only time someone was ever caught was in 2001 when a 51 year old American tourist got busted and spent 18 days in jail to think about how naughty he was. Another year it was hit by a car and its legs were amputated. The goat committee have tried to coat the goat in flame resistant chemicals but seemingly to no avail. You must admit it’s pretty funny?

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Filed under All That Is Wrong With The World, Friggin Hilarious, Thanks For Nothing, Whoops!