Monthly Archives: December 2008

Who Are You Going To Call?

Normal people ring the police or have their phone number changed when they receive death threats but Tom Cruise has gone straight to the FBI. Seems someone isn’t happy with Mr Scientology. Now lucky Katie Holmes can legitimately stay clear of couch jumping hubby as they are “forced” to live at separate locations (ooh, guess who got their Chrissy wish?). What gets me is how the hell did they get his friggin number in the first place? It isn’t like he would be listed in the phone book or he would answer it if he was.Tom and Katie are now forced to ride around in bomb proof cars. Hmm, no we aren’t talking about their movies, cars, bomb proof cars, people! Stay focused. Seems like the anti Scientology group Anonymous and several Nazi groups have been protesting at his movie premiers, giving him cause for concern.  Cruise has only just spent $10 million on building an underground bunker in Colorado. Paranoid much? Gosh, wouldn’t it be a bitch if he was the only one who survived a nuclear holocaust. Or worse still, if he did get bumped off and no one noticed! So any who, he can’t be too paranoid because TMZ are still snapping Katie and Suri around the Thirty Mile Zone or should I say the Twilight Zone? When that stops we should be worried!

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Filed under All That Is Wrong With The World, Friggin Scary, They Live Among Us !

Friggin Shark Attacks

If you go down to the beach today you’re sure of a big surprise. It’s friggin closed. Port Kennedy beach in Rockingham, Western Australia, will be closed until further notice after a man was taken by a 5m White Pointer shark in shallow water. Daniel Guest was snorkeling with his father Brian Guest in the early morning hours when suddenly the water turned red.Though Daniel didn’t see anything , he knew it couldn’t be good and high tailed it out of the water. A witness on the beach, however, saw a huge friggin shark leap from the water with what looked like a person in its mouth before the waters went still. The witness ran to a nearby house to raise the alarm and then returned to find a shaking and stunned Daniel sitting on the sand unable to speak. Only small fragments of Mr Guest’s wetsuit have been found despite a massive sea and air search. A huge white pointer was later seen swimming up to a rescue vessel.The thing with shark attacks, isn’t the fact that they can rip you into friggin two, but the fact that they already have you in their sight long before you even know its in the water. Last year two sharks worked together to attack a surfer in Margaret River. One shark came from a great depth right under the board and bumped him off, while the other one waited to eat him as he fell off.

UPDATE : Oh no, the shark which killed  Mr Guest,  has also made an appearance at today’s memorial service held at the spot where Mr Guest was last seen. Cruising just off shore near the attack scene the shark was spotted by local swimmers and the beach promptly closed. OK, it might not have been the exact same shark but it was a friggin shark!

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Filed under Friggin Wildlife, They Live Among Us !

Gavles Festive Goat Incinerated Again!

Charred remains of festive goat

Charred remains of festive goat

Leave the friggin festive goat alone people! The 13m high straw goat that resides in Gavle, Sweden, has been torched 23 times since it was first erected in 1966. Each year the tourist attracting  goat is placed in the main street during the Christmas festive season and each year someone tries to friggin ignite it. Last year by some miracle it escaped pretty much unscathed but this year up it went again. Anna Ostman who is the spokeswoman for the goat committee said they were just happy it had survived through to Christmas Eve. The tradition of the straw goat began in 1966 as a tourist attracion because it was long believed in Swedish folklore that goats not Santa delivered gifts. The first year that the straw goat was erected it was burnt to the ground and the tradition seems to have lived on. In its history only 10 goats have ever survived. In 2005 it was torched by two people dressed as Santa Claus and a Gingerbread Man.The only time someone was ever caught was in 2001 when a 51 year old American tourist got busted and spent 18 days in jail to think about how naughty he was. Another year it was hit by a car and its legs were amputated. The goat committee have tried to coat the goat in flame resistant chemicals but seemingly to no avail. You must admit it’s pretty funny?

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Filed under All That Is Wrong With The World, Friggin Hilarious, Thanks For Nothing, Whoops!

Falinge Where No One Has To Work

Alright people, we are off to Falinge, Rochdale, the benefits capital of England where nobody has to work. Yay, who needs to win the lottery when you can live work free on the money of others. OK the accomodation looks a little prison like, but hey, the perks are great. Of the 4,500 residents of Falinge only 300 work (suckers) despite there being plenty of jobs (700 vacancies from last count). It seems the majority of people living in Greater Manchester are on Incapacity Benefits. Oh and don’t you worry, I hear it is quite easy to get, all you have to do is suffer from alcoholism, stress or obesity (maybe just limp a bit). Over 2.6 million people are claiming it in Britain which costs the taxpayer around £16 billion a year, so why not Falinge? Bless. And in Falinge picking up benefits is a way of life, all you need is a sick note from the doctor and then you can eat, drink and be stressed as much as you like without having a care in the world. Oh and for all the teenage girls, get pregnant, the Rochdale Council will give you a free council house.It sounds like paradise. Oh and nobody gets up before 9 o’clock, what for? The majority sleep in until mid morning so the streets are all yours.Those silly little taxpayers fork out about £12,000 a year for each family to live the dream. Way to go Rochdale Council, keep up the good work!

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Filed under All That Is Wrong With The World, Friggin Councils, They Live Among Us !

Friggin Name Changes

Yeah, I am Happy Adjustable Spanner

Yeah, I am Happy Adjustable Spanner

Hmm, now that it is so much easier to change your name by deed poll over 46,000 have already done it this year.  In what seems to be a new fad, people are changing their names by deed poll to some extraordinary absurd names. Some poor drunken fool lost a bet and had to change his name to Happy Adjustable Spanner (what a tool!). Tom Hayward changed his seeming basic name to N’Tom TheHayemaker Haywardyouliketocomebacktomine. Other stupid names included Luscious Lemons,Mr Tintin Captain Haddock Confused Brewer ,General Ninja Ant,Captain Fantastic Faster Than Superman Spiderman Batman Wolverine The Hulk And The Flash Combined, McLovin and Aron Mufasa Columbo Fonzerelli Ball In A Cup Boogie Woogie Brown. Dear god what is wrong with these people, pity the fools who will end up marrying them!

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Filed under How Embarrassing, They Live Among Us !, Well I Never

It Wont Hurt a Bit!

Ok, would you like Cab Sav or Chardonnay?

Ok, would you like Cab Sav or Chardonnay?

OK, everyone knows if you have a really bad tooth ache you don’t care who, how or where you have to go to get it fixed,you just want the pain to go away. Hmm and it seems that was also the case for a bunch of poor Hispanics with bad aches. Unable to afford  real dentists they went a knocking on Carlos Flores  door (ex orthodontist from Ecuador) begging for relief. In his kitchen Mr Flores would perform dental procedures without anesthetic,  instead  using wine to help them cope with the pain.Somewhere along the line he was dobbed into authorities because the police raided his home and charged him for practising without a license. Hmm, I bet it was from a disgruntled patient.

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Filed under That's Gotta Hurt, Well I Never

Who’s the Sucker Now?

Bruce has illusions of grandeur now!

Bruce now has illusions of grandeur!

Oh you have to be kidding me? A man has become a major suspect in a car theft in Helsinki, Finland, after authorities were able to match blood in a mosquito found in the car with his own blood. You would have to be the unluckiest bastard in the world wouldn’t you? After Finnish cops discovered a big bloated mosquito inside the  stolen car a smart thinking officer caught the little sucker, sent it to a lab,had the blood tested and then checked the police DNA database for a match. Wouldn’t you know it they came up with a suspect. Now all they have to do now is convince the courts that the mosquito evidence will be strong enough to hold up. No word on the condition of the mosquito after it had its little stomach pumped! Who’s the Sucker Now?

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Filed under Friggin Awesome, Friggin Wildlife, Well I Never