You Wish!

Not Miljici again..he just wont quit it with his mother-in-law ...

OK, here’s the thing, trying to kill your mother-in-law with an anti-tank missile launcher is wrong…funny…but wrong. Oh Miroslav Miljici, blaming your wife’s mom for your marriage break up doesn’t give you the right to bombard her home with missiles. Hmm and then trying to finish her off with a machine gun is a little bit obsessive, don’t you think? As is the way of the world  mother-in-law survived the whole friggin thing without barely a scratch. I am guessing the Bosnian judge must of taken pity because Miljici only got 6 years for attempted murder. During the trial Miljici’s defence was “he could no longer take his mother-in-law’s nagging.” Hmm, I guess a reconciliation is out of the question.

Eco Friendly Chewing Gum

Chewing gum just got a whole lot more boring!

What the hell am I suppose to do with eco friendly non stick chewing gum people? Now what am I going to use to fix bits back onto my car with? Ewh, it seems like the councils in Britain are mighty peeved to be spending £150 million a year cleaning gum from friggin everywhere so enter Chichza Rainforest Gum (sounds exotic!). The gum that doesn’t stick  but  is designed to self destruct  after it has been spat from ones mouth (OK, turns to dust in 6 weeks) . Want to know what it is made from? The sap of the chicle tree grown in Mexico. Yay, no little lab rat died in the making of it! It is also  petrochemicals free. So far no one is commenting on the taste, which only means one thing!

This Cruise is Revolting

And on your left is another great island we were going to stop at.....

Cruising ain’t cruising if you don’t friggin stop anywhere. People on Aurora are revolting, hmm, no, I mean they are revolting against the captain of their cruise. Seems this world tour has only stopped in 2 ports in 22 days. Hello, photo’s of the friggin horizon…bored already!! The 600 people aboard the P&O tour from hell have held an emergency meeting and formed a protest committee.Oh crap, and they still have 71 days to go. The committee is planning to sue because they say some passengers had saved for up to 20 years for this “trip of a lifetime” for jack! And furthermore “This failure to visit three ports in New Zealand and two Pacific Islands has turned this cruise ship into a prison for some.” Hmm, I am guessing the ship’s entertainment hasn’t helped.

The reason? Glad you asked… thrust bearings (sounds ominous and absolutely nothing to do with hips!). Oh yeah damaged thrust bearings meant the ship had to remain in a New Zealand port for 5 days for repairs and then do catch up by dodging other destinations (hmm, the ones that didn’t involve picking up passengers ).Urgh, wanna hear the long and sorry tale of the Aurora ala short version..When launched by Princess Anne in 2000 the champagne bottle didn’t break (getting the gist)…on maiden voyage broke down in Bay of Biscay ($6mil payout)…2003 norovirus sent passengers running to the buckets and toilets…2005 cruise cancelled due to propulsion problems (again nothing to do with hips)…2008 a friggin hepatitis scare after 7 passengers tested positive. Hmm, I am guessing the cruise ship will be included in the Harrier Jet auction real soon.

Keep It Real People

Latest Hollywood Blockbuster : The Space Shuttle

Go Dustin. Seems Mr Magorium is sick and tired of the lack of “real science” in science fiction movies and wants a greater effort by Hollywood to “get it right”.Hmm shouldn’t they be focusing on better acting first? Dustin Hoffman is  the face of a new lobby group the Science and Entertainment Exchange pushing for less fiction (what? are you telling me “The Core” wasn’t real?). One source was quoted as saying “Dustin thinks you can make entertaining movies which also get a message across without slowing down the action,”. Oh Loons are you laughing like me? Bags telling the Trekkies!

Sweet What The?

Will you quit complaining people!

When a book gets banned from a library because of Lynyrd Skynrd you gotta worry. Hmm, seems a patron of the Vestavia Hills Public Library was none too pleased about how Lynyrd Syknyd were portrayed in a book, so he/she put in a complaint and had the book removed from the shelves. Could it be a family member of Leonard Skinner…I’m just saying? Well it seems Bruce J Schulman inferred the band was “neo-conservative” and “racist” in his book “The Seventies: the Great Shift in American Culture, Society and Politics” (whew, and I thought it was going to be something bad like drugs, sex and rock n roll). The librarian board reviewed the book and are now recommending instead of removing the offending book to add another book on Lynyrd Skynyrd (what, there is more?) to the library’s collection. Board President Colin Coyne said “I don’t have a problem pulling a book. I just want to make sure we’re pulling it for a fact-based reason, not because somebody doesn’t like the slant that Lynyrd Skynyrd was given.” Ahh just whack a warning label on it! Hmm, watch Bruce J Schulman’s book shoot to the bestseller list now!

You can to read the whole story at Birmingham News.

A Harrier Anyone?

Hey honey, look what I won at auction!

Ever wanted to own your own plane? Well have I got a deal for you…imagine yourself in a 730mph Harrier Jet. £60,000 is chump change really, considering a new one would set you back a couple of millions and who knows you may get a bargain, it’s an auction! Now don’t expect to be buzzing your neighbors anytime soon, the Harrier GR7 doesn’t come with an engine but I am sure you could pick one up quite cheap on eBay. Ooh and the Harrier Jump Jet comes with a full history, yep this one plunged into the sea in 1996 after the pilot safely ejected (so I guess there are a few water stains).It later became a training plane for mechanics as RAF Cosford (that will explain the missing engine). The only real problem will be finding a place to house the beast, it is 46ft long with a 26ft wingspan. Good luck with that. Playground here it comes!

Pedal To The Metal

Speed Demons

You would have to be pretty unlucky to get caught speeding in your 1923 Model T Ford,  especially since it can only manage a top speed of around 35mph. Hmm, but Dave Stanisfield managed it. Poor Dave got snapped doing 35mph in a 30mph zone (you hoon!). Surprised when a £60 fine came through the mail he decided to dispute it. Problem, his Model T doesn’t have a speedometer. Oh well I guess a £138 in fines will have to do!

Hey Guys That Is Way Too Sexist

Principal Jeff Finstad told his students at Waupan High School who had painted the words of the school’s fight song on the gymnasium wall to remove the word “fellow” because it was far too sexist. Now they have a non gender specific fight song. Hmm, does no one think having a fight song on a wall a tad violent? “Fight fellows, fight, fight, fight.”

The Nightmare That Was Skunk!

Phew this house stinks!

What happens when a skunk goes wild….under your friggin house? A right Royal mess.The nightmare, that was a skunk, started in 2007 under the house of Mark and Vicki Royal. The Royals thought they had everything, nice house, happy family, a brand new life but that all changed when Mark came home one day.  Instead of smelling dinner in the oven his nostrils picked up a particular putrid odor like no other. As time passed the stench grew worse and worse. The culprit? Hmm,  an innocent little skunk who had dug himself a maze of tunnels underneath the Royal’s home and to which he then systematically sprayed his new pad with a charming little scent from his anal glands (oh dear god!). After the family had their 40 ft concrete porch (ala Caddyshack) ripped out to remove the smelly little critter, they were told that they may never be rid of the highly offensive skunk stench because it had infiltrated the heating and ventilation system (gross).In other words,the house was going to permanently stink. Exit family. Then in a desperate attempt to return home,  the house was systematically stripped to its studs and all belongings thrown to a galaxy far, far away. Urgh, in the pursuing days weeks months years the once happy family of six  found themselves in a battle with their Insurance Company (who had spent half a million trying to remove the stench), their credit record in an abyss and the house continually oozing skunk clunk. The end result, Mr and Mrs Royal eventually split. So where is the skunk in all this?

My Friggin Dishes Are Dirty!

We are in the kitchen...

I friggin knew it, eco crap. Spokane residents are sick and tired of their filthy dishes not making that squeaky clean sound when you run your fingers down them. Why? Spokane county introduced the strictest ban on dishwasher detergent the world has ever seen. Friggin phosphates. Oh yeah, out with Cascade and Electrasol and in with Seventh Generation, Ecover and Trader Joe. Now that the residents of Spokane are left with eco friendly products the dishwasher of the family is left with greasy, food encrusted dishes problem. Now whoever draws the short straw has to hand-wash the knives, forks, plates, pots and pans because the detergent doesn’t friggin work. Result, residents are pissed and are resorting to detergent smuggling. Oh yep, they are crossing over state lines to Costco in Coeur d’Alene, Idaho, to stock up on the illegal liquid. It seems that the magic ingredient phosphate (which is banned) is the only thing that breaks down grease but is also a bitch to remove from wastewater treatment plants and there lies the problem.Clean lakes or clean dishes people?