Monthly Archives: April 2009

Her Majesty Is Not Amused

WTF...Not even I am allowed to do that!

WTF...I am not even allowed to do that!

Fornication on the Windsor Castle lawn is prohibited, unless you are a Royal, of course. A couple have been arrested after being caught having sexual intercourse on the Windsor Castle grounds near Garter Tower. It all seems to be a terribly embarrassing mistake decision on their behalf, fueled on by copious amounts of alcohol. Did I happen to mention they were in full view of the pubs, hotels and tourists. As news of their frolicking spread  “A few soldiers were geeing them on from above and plenty of young people did the same from the roadside. There were camera flashes going off and people videoing.” Oh dear god…YOUTUBE…nooooo!!! The party ended after the armed Royal Protection Squad officers dragged them away from the cheering crowd and threw them in jail to sober up. Turns out they are “respectable people with respectable jobs”. This is going to haunt them for the rest of their cotton pickin’ days! Hmm,pass the immigration application forms please.
Ooh and yes the Queen was at home at the time but no word on whether she watched too!

Psst The two culprits have been outed as Phil Carden and Joy Taylor. Phil was suppose to be married in December but not to Joy…awkward.

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Filed under Friggin Awesome, Friggin Hilarious, How Embarrassing, Whoops!

War Veteran Attacked By Mice

And now for something downright horrifying…a war veteran chewed by mice. The bedridden man was found on ANZAC Day in a Queensland nursing home bleeding from his ears, face, neck and hands. The injures have been blamed on a mice plague at the Dalby hospital. The distraught 89 year old was placed on morphine after having spent the night fending off the rodents during the vermin attack. Federal Ageing Minister Justine Elliott said that despite the veteran’s frightening ordeal there was no need to evacuate the residents. Hmm, I guess that is only reserved for crocodile plagues.

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Filed under All That Is Wrong With The World, Friggin Wildlife, Friggin Wrong, I'm Just Saying !

Wakey Wakey Cleveland Park

Good Morning Cleveland Park

Good Morning Cleveland Park

You know what I hate? Friggin home alarms. You know what Cleveland Park residents in Washington hate?  Friggin 1970’s Municipal Civil Defense system alarms. Bleary eyed locals were wondering who’s ear piercing alarm was going off at 5.30am and why they weren’t turning the friggin thing off. Hello, can’t hear myself think!!! For 2 hours the noise penetrated the usually quite neighborhood. The sound it seems was coming from  Building 39 on the University of the District of Columbia campus. Despite initial denials the University had to admit it was their alarm. They also had to admit they didn’t know how to turn the damn thing off. It was installed in the 1970’s. Hmm, it is believed the alarm was installed as a civil alert system (would have come in handy during 9/11!). Anywho, everyone thought the system had been disconnected years ago…obviously not. But even more strange, no one seems to have recalled the sirens ever having gone off. I smell a Uni prank!

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You Waited Until Now?

I guess the first to produce the hood wins!

I guess the first to produce the hood wins!

Hallelujah, as people have been anxiously waiting for DNA results from Tarrance’s toothbrush another person has come out of the woodworks claiming to know who the Zodiac Killer is. A California woman is convinced her father was the infamous serial killer. Deborah Perez believes her father Guy Ward Hendrickson was the hooded freak terrorizing the San Francisco Bay area  back in the 60’s.Perez has handed over her daddy’s eyeglasses and letters. Dear god, she is also claiming as a 7 year old she was dragged along to the killings. Hmm, didn’t see that in any witness statements! Guess who helped make the hood and wrote the letters to police? Perez said her father kept “telling me he was sick and he killed many, many people.” Henderickson died from cancer in 1983 …hmm, it took 26 years to come forward? Maybe it has something to do with the documentary she is making!

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Filed under Friggin Scary, I'm Just Saying !, Well I Never

Ku Klux Klanning is Wrong

No...wrong!

No...wrong!

OK, here’s the thing, firstly this has already been done and condemned  ala White Supremacy night (only last month) and secondly, it may have been funny at the time but…hmmm NO. The Torquay Tigers Football Club decided to have an “All White Night” so they posted a picture on their website which included, amongst other things, men dressed in KKK outfits (oh dear!).Didn’t anyone tell them Ku Klux Klanning only leads to media attention and that means publicity…hang on a minute??? Oh well, now the hooded supremacist have been replaced by Snow White…anyone got complaints about that midget tease?

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No-No Not The Vo-Vo

Noooo.....

Noooo.....

Don’t mess with a 103 year old trade mark bikkie people. When Krispy Kreme in Australia decided to release Iced Dough-Vo doughnut, Arnotts biscuits just about had an aneurysm. Arnotts are the protector of the Iced Vo-Vo biscuit,you don’t touch the Vo-Vo.The Krispy Kreme version included the famous pink icing and the sprinkled coconut flakes . For crying out loud, other than being on a dough instead of a bikkie base it was virtually identical but it was the name that really got Arnott’s goat. It’s just not cricket! In their defence Krispy Kreme said that the imitation was the sincerest form of flattery. Noooooooo.You don’t touch the Vo-Vo.Under threat of legal action Krispy Kreme have stepped away from the Vo-Vo and will now rename their pink iced creation….hmm, ever thought of Tim Tam?

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Filed under Denial, Friggin Wrong, Well I Never

Too Easy

Hmm, standard theif fashion no longer needed in Mexico

Hmm, standard thief fashion no longer needed in Mexico

Well at least there has been one positive to come out of the Swine Flu scare, it has become decidedly easier for thieves to pull off heists in Mexico. Three surgically masked robbers looked just like the thousands of other Swine flu scared Mexicans as they made their way through the sea of masked shoppers into the Sanborns department store. When inside they were easily able to rob the jewelry department without drawing any unwanted attention. Friggin swines!

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Filed under All That Is Wrong With The World, Well I Never

Stay Between the Lines Children

Color me WTF. The Federal Emergency Management Agency have released their latest disaster-preparedness coloring book for kids which includes…wait for it…a picture of the World Trade Center twin towers in New York. Not so bad you say? Yeah, well did I forget to mention one of the towers is on fire and a plane is heading straight for the other one. Hmm, I am thinking hell no. Cue complaints!

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Them’s the Breaks

OK and here I was thinking my arse was too big! Queensland politician Hajnal Ban (aka Sara Vornamen) had a touch of short woman syndrome, so she hopped on a plane and flew to Russia where for 9 months she endured an excruciatingly painful leg lengthening procedure.The bone growth surgery involved having each of her legs broken in 4 different places thus allowing them to grow a 1mm a day. Hmm, now Hajnal can boast being 162cm instead of her original height of 154cm. OK, do the maths people …8cms for 9 months of pain and rehabilitation (ever thought of high heels?). The reasoning behind Hjnal’s journey was the belief that her height affected her credibility “I get tired of people focusing on the physical side of me because I feel like I have a lot to offer and I’m a qualified lawyer,”. I am thinking it stems more from the fact that you were called “Midget” at school. Please, I don’t see anyone pulling the piss on Judge Judy and you can put her in your top pocket (not that I would ever think of it Miss Sheindlin). The cosmetic surgery cost the Logan councillor about $40,000. Insecurity issues gone.com.
You can read about her journey in her book “God Made Me Small, Surgery Made Me Tall”

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Filed under All That Is Wrong With The World, Well I Never, You Go Girl!

Billy Don’t Be A Hero!

Move over Kim Jong Il we have a new anti hero. A Kiwi fugitive is fast becoming a cult hero after his brazen escapes from police. William “Billy” Stewart has been running amok stealing and evading New Zealand police for months, much to the public’s delight. He has managed to slip through their fingers over 7 times.The massive swing from felon to legend happened after he stole a few pies from a farm kitchen and scratched a thank you message in the table signed “Billy the Hunted One”. Everyone loves a cheeky crim. His popularity has become so widespread that “Where’s Billy” T-shirts are now selling online for $47. Students in Hamilton have even suggested a National Where’s Billy Day “It’s about having some fun while drinking one beer for each evasion of capture,”. Police believe he sleeps in rural areas by day and then lurks at night. They describe him as an armed 47-year-old Caucasian, 177cm tall, of thin build, and has a No 2 haircut (hmm, which just about identifies every middle aged Kiwi).
I suppose their are worse people to glorify than dangerous, methamphetamine-addicted loners (ain’t that right Winehouse?).

UPDATE : Dagnabbit, New Zealand’s most wanted Crim has been caught. Billy was nabbed after trying to steal a quad bike. Watch the sales of t-shirts plummet now!

Psst Wanna can read more about William “Billy” Stewart ?

A must watch news report on the elusive Billy…

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Filed under All That Is Wrong With The World, Friggin Awesome, Friggin Hilarious, Well I Never