DIY Trim

OK, I haven’t been down this road for a few weeks but a man from Stevenage in the UK is in hospital after attempting a do-it-yourself circumcision with nail clippers. Oh dear god, what was he thinking? Gosh, I hope he sterilized them first, nothing worse than toe jam to infect a wound. He is expected to make a full well a recovery!

Achmed the Dead Terrorist

Geez Ann, you know how we all  hate ventriloquist dolls, clowns and dolls (the ones whose eyes move) but this is so hell funny I had to share with the other Loons. Thanks for the big old laugh! “I kill you”!

and wait there is more…

Not That There Is Anything Wrong With That!

Cirque Du Soleil rang and said NO! Are you sure it was a cross-dressing man wearing clown make-up? Boulder police are on the look out for a man who robbed the Boulder Beer Emporium wearing red and white face make-up, a fake nose, reddish purple wig and a denim dress. Staff told police they didn’t think anything was wrong when he walked in. Hmm, it was really only after he pointed a pistol at them they realized it wasn’t Richard Simmons. The clown left with an undisclosed amount of money before fleeing on his little tricycle (OK, I made that bit up!). Expect a surveillance picture to be released real soon!

I Got Worms

Damn that Stairway to Heaven, gets us every time!

Of all the most ridiculous, silly, stupid things to do, worm charming must be one of them. Oh for goodness sakes people! They even have friggin competitions for this “sport”. Hmm and this year, at Britain’s World Worm Charming Championships, a record was smashed by Sophie Smith. She managed to charm herself 567 worms to the surface in 30 minutes. Evidently the skill is in the vibration you make to attract the worms to the surface. With many believing (including a U.S. neuroscientist) the key is to make a similar sound to that of a mole (handy to know). So how does Mae West sound again? However, each to their own, many competitors have their own special tactics to lure the worm, including strumming a guitar, banging a drum, playing a bottle xylophone or simply tap dancing to the Star War theme.

Short Term Memory Loss

OK, money in the bank deposit, marajuana in my pocket, money in the bank deposit, marajuana in my pocket. Ah damn! Tallahassee police have charged one Cameron Jefferson for depositing $200 and 2 plastic bags into a bank deposit canister. Reason?  One of the bags contained marijuana and the other, white powder (presumably cocaine). I guess he will be withdrawing that $200 to pay for bail!

Geez and He Didn’t Even Smile!

Hmm, now whats the friggin number?

Word of warning would-be burglars, stay away from friggin cell phones if you don’t know how to use them OK! Police in Suffolk are looking for a person matching the photo found on a victim’s cell phone. Seems that during a break-in the burglar decided to make a call on the owners cell phone. Unfortunately he was unfamiliar with the model and ended up taking a photo of himself. He later fled leaving the phone in his wake, never having made the call! Friggin technology!

Bernie Madoff

71 + 150 = 221.  Dumbass!

That’s The Pits!

You know your life sucks when you decide to commit suicide at the bottom of a pit toilet. A Papua New Guinean who believe he had nothing to live for because all of his family were dead crawled through the small opening to the pit of shit . It is unknown how long he had been sitting in it when Naomi Elias went to use the toilet and heard a voice coming from deep down inside. She thought it was a friggin spirit and took off like a rocket. It wasn’t long before the villagers got wind and found the hell stinky man, lying in the sewage. They used sticks to pull him out, gave him some money and sent him on his way.

Psst Geez, I wonder how many people used it before he was found?

Slippery When Wet

Mommy, I cant see!

Latest Nanny State victims are the little kiddies at St Sidwells Primary school, Exeter, Devon. Sorry kids, no swimming goggles for you. Yep, unless your eyes blow up like a beachball from chemicals in the pool you will just have to do without. OK, want to hear the health and safety reasons for this one? Here we go compliments of the British Association of Advisors and Lecturers in Physical Education (BAALPE) “Wet plastic is very slippery and frequent, incorrect or unnecessary adjustment or removal of them, by pulling them away from the eyes instead of sliding them over the forehead, can lead to them slipping from the pupil’s grasp with the hard plastic causing severe injury.” Sure, so it is OK for kids to have their eyes floating around in chlorine. I wonder what’s the next stop is on the Nannyville Express!

Gee, Landing Is Going To Be A Bitch

OK, if a standing passenger falls during turbulence, leave them!

Wanna buy really cheap airline tickets? Now I am talking really cheap! The one catch is…you gotta stand! Chinese airline Spring Airlines have submitted a proposal to sell standing room only tickets on some of their flights. The idea even has the backing of China’s vice premier Zhang Dejiang who was the genius who originally came up with the idea.  And get this, even Airbus have given the idea the thumbs up.People who buy the standing only tickets will not be allowed a seat, luggage consignment, food or water and will probably be asked to move when the food trolley arrives . Hmm, so let me get this right, the sitting passengers will have to put up with the cheap stakes towering over them trying to watch their movie. Not to mention butts in faces, smelly armpits, seat envy looks, sneezing and occasional passing of gas.Oh and don’t get me started with the toilets, that’s where these interlopers will be placing their asses no doubt.

Psst And what if a granny buys a standing seat…then what?