The Things Momma Didn’t Tell Ya

OK, here’s the thing two dudes from Knoxville who put lamp oil in a saucepan and lit it during a power outage, WTF were you thinking. Both sustained burns and smoke inhalation after lighting the pan and it flashed over, burning them and the apartment! Woof! It is believed the men were trying to find an alternative source of light after the power went out.Yeah, well in some ways they got their wish! Now three other tenants have been displaced and 7 units water damaged. They are going to be hell popular when they return!

Don’t Move

Ah shit!

You know what I hate? When you visit your son on Long Island for Thanksgiving and you fall neck deep into a friggin cesspool.I really hate that. Eduardo Matos (71) fell into the sewage while walking outside on the lawn.  Mr Matos  said “I was calm . . . If you panic, that shit will suck you right in,”. No shit! He was eventually rescued by his son and daughter. So much for Thanksgiving!

They Shot Jesus!

Rockville police had no choice but to shoot and kill Jesus on Sunday after he viciously attacked a man. Police tried to taser him first but he justed didn’t respond. Jesus was a 120lb Rottweiler/Pit Bull dog.

Happy Thanksgiving Granny!

Here, catch!

You soon find out who your friends  are on Thanksgiving. A woman caused utter chaos after she took her unwanted Thanksgiving present to the Dennis Police Department. Roads were closed, the local fire department alerted and the state bomb squad called in when she whipped out a World War II hand grenade one of her relis gave her. Ninety minutes later it was confirmed it didn’t have a blasting cap so couldn’t explode. I guess their inheritance will have to wait!

Santa or Christkind

Ho friggin no!

OK, Santa or Christkind, which one would you prefer as the official symbol of Christmas? One is a big fat jolly snow haired man bearing a big bag of goodies invented by Coca Cola the other, a tiny blond haired baby who brings a candle lit tree and gifts to little snowflakes on Christmas eve with a non commercialized traditional type attitude.This is the big dilemma facing Austrians this Christmas, as a group of campaigners named The Pro-Christkind group make a concerted effort to rid Santa from Austria for good. The group are planning rallies in Graz, Innsbruck, Salzburg and Vienna. Good luck with that!

Psst Christkind just doesn’t have the same ring to it. Hmm, maybe if they changed the name?

Cell Phone Jamming Is Illegal

Bummer, a church in New Zealand has been fined for using a cell phone jamming system to stop the parishioners interrupting the services with their dumbassed ring tones. Seems the only ones legally allowed to use the device are prisons. Oh I don’t know, something about putting the community in danger.

Ten Pin Bowling Is An Extreme Sport in The UK

A friggin death trap!

OMG,after 2 years and £250,000 spent on a study by Health and Safety (HSE) they  have concluded that ten pin bowling alleys are  a very friggin dangerous environment for families! Dear god imagine, little snowflakes running down the lanes and getting trapped in machinery or someone walking down the 60 ft lanes to knock over the pins by hand and getting injured. Geez, it’s a friggin death trap when you think about it, a friggin death trap! Among the recommendations put forward, was for operators to fit photoelectric beams on the lanes so the machines will cut off automatically if anyone, by chance, wanders down the slippery as all get up lanes. Once again I must stop here to point out there is no need for concern,  natural selection will sort out the losers.

Psst I did note there was no mention of the obvious dangers, eg spraining a wrist, hurting your back, slipping on the spilled beer, salmonella from the curly fries…you know, the basic dangers!

2nd Psst When was the last time you heard about someone being squashed by the pinsetting machinery for goodness sakes?

All He Wants For Christmas Is Her Two Front Teeth

So, tell me where did you get those two new teeth from?

Hey lady, what nice teeth you have? All the better to punch your friggin lights outs and steal them! Elena Aronson from Berkeley was riding on a Muni bus when a crazy dude sat next to her staring and muttering things about how beautiful her teeth were… “like the moon and the stars”. Aronson soon decided she’d had enough of his crap and got off the bus only to find herself a few minutes later being picked up off the pavement minus her two front teeth. Story gets a tad worse, by the time her memory of the incident came back (few weeks) police weren’t taking her story too seriously. Crazy deranged man 1, Lady with dentures 0.

Those Who Can, Teach, Those Who Can’t Are Criminals

I was young, it was college, I only took a puff!

Of all the dumbassed nanny state ideas! Ofsted want all the estimated 40,000 parents who are teaching their kids at home to undergo a criminal records check. The parents who fall below the line of Mary Poppin’s status should then be barred from teaching their own children (hmm, so can they teach other people’s kids?). So let me get this straight the government is quite happy to have parents with black marks against their names to live under the same roof as their snowflakes , just not during school hours and definitely not if they are teach them ! Brilliant I say, brilliant.Oh hello and now for the bonus round, any parents who fail the checks will be getting some special attention from child protection social workers. Hmm, like shouldn’t that already be happening if they are abusive? Seems like some other gov department ain’t doing their job!

Woolen Socks Are Easier To Run In While Naked

London police have arrested Vincent Mucci after they spotted him running down the street naked except for his woolen socks. No word on what type of socks but they are believed to be holeproof!