Happy Friggin New Year

Happy Friggin New Year, loons. Thanks for all the support this year. Here’s hoping 2010 brings bigger and better dumbasses to giggle at.

Ya Think!

Hmm, lets see, naked man jumps out a third story window, kills a miniature Schnauzer with his bare hands, runs through a tennis club, covers himself in coffee and authorities say “ he may have been under the influence of drugs”. Well, no shit Sherlock! It all began when LA police responded to complaints that  Bayron Reyes Lopez  was playing his radio too loudly at 4.30 am.

Welcome Back

Welcome to freedom Peter Moore .The computer expert, who has been a hostage in Iraq for two and a half years ,was released today. Sadly his bodyguards were murdered earlier in the year.

Your Worst Nightmare

Ooh lookie what UK customs  found in a Christmas parcel…. a friggin Kris Kringle Krueger care pack!

Snakes Alive

A man’s best friend. When Yu Feng  found a sick and dying black snake outside his house in Fushun  he did what anyone would do, he nursed it back to health with herbal medicines (hey, don’t they use crushed snakes in their…ah never mind). Anywho the snake recovered and Feng went to a nearby mountain and released the reptile. But the very next morning the snake was back (are you sure it was the same snake?).  After several more attempts at freeing the freeloader, Feng gave up and kept the snake as a pet and named it Long Long. OK, it’s around here it turns into a Lassie movie. One night Feng is woken up by Long Long slithering over his face but is so tired he falls back to sleep. Next thing he knows the snake has his clothes in his teeth and is whipping the bed with his tail. That would be enough to wake me up. The snake then slithered over to his mother’s bed  and did the same thing. That’s when he noticed his mom’s electric blanket was on fire.  If it wasn’t for Long Long  they would all be toast. Makes you want to go out and get yourself a Long Long.

Psst Local snake experts say his story is crap, snakes don’t give a shit. I want to believe they really do!

It's wrapped around the light!!!

Drink Driver Special

If you live in Rome, Georgia and are planning to drink and drive on New Year’s Eve you might want to give McGuire, Jennings and Miller Funeral Homes a ring. They are offering free funerals to  anyone killed in a crash while driving drunk and it includes preparation of the body, coffin, a grave and even a hearse. All you have to do is sign a contract stating you plan to drink or use drugs and then drive Dec 31. Oh come on people it’s a scare campaign.

Russia To The Rescue

The sky is falling!

Yes, Russia maybe the only ones that can save the world from a asteroid hurtling to earth. No, this isn’t some scene from a disaster movie but a claim made by Russia’s space agency. Called mission Apophis the agency are concerned about the threat of a 885ft  rock estimated to hit earth  in 2029. Despite NASA dissing the threat, Russia are pushing the panic button and are brainstorming ideas to save the world.  One of the suggestions is building a special spacecraft and blowing the damn thing off course. Hmm, me thinks someone has been watching Armageddon.

Of All The things That Could Hit You On Your Head

OK, now just picture a moose head instead.

What’s the odds a large stuffed moose head would crash down on your  head while eating at a Scandinavian themed restaurant? Raina Kumra is suing the White Slab Palace in Manhattan for that very thing. Oh crap, when  a 150lb (68kg) moose head with antlers  becomes unstuck from the wall and crashes down onto your head, its gotta hurt.

A Double Dumbass Day

OMG, not only did a car thief ring 911 to report the truck he had just stolen had run out of gas but  it was later discovered he had filled the diesel vehicle with unleaded, thus the real reason why it had stalled.

Devastating Fires of Toodyay

I interrupt this transmission to send thoughts and prayers to the people of Toodyay. One of our regular loons has lost his home in the fires, which have swept the tiny country  town  in Western Australia. Currently 37 houses have been lost but it is thought the number could go higher.