I Thought It Was Kosher?

Sheez, she looks out of it!

Oh dear lord, step away from the poppy seed bagels. Elizabeth Mort from Pennsylvania had her newborn baby taken away by Children and Youth Services after testing positive for opiates. Seems the poppy seed bagel she ate just prior to giving birth skewed the results of a drug test. It took five days before authorities realized the mistake and returned the bub to her mom. Oh hell yes, that’s a suing right there!

Kickass Hero Saves Guide From Great White Shark

Kickass Hero

OMG, there is one very sorry assed shark swimming around Rockingham today. The great white was thwarted from lunching on a snorkeler by a kickass hero who grabbed it’s tail and yanked him off the left buttock of Elyse Frankcom (19). The attack happened during a “swim with the dolphins” tour in Perth. Frankcom, one of the Rockingham Wild Encounters tour guides, was snorkeling in about 7m of water when the 3m great white struck. It sunk its teeth into her hip and left buttock before the kickass hero (who declined to give his name) grabbed the sharks tail, making it let go of her. Not done, the kickass hero then dived underwater to grab the now sinking tour guide, pulling her back to the surface and onto the boat. Ms Frankcom, who is expected to make a full recovery, told medics she also punched the shark in the face. Humiliated much Mr great white shark ?

Psst A search is now on to identify the kickass hero so he can be nominated for Australia’s highest award for heroism. AND no it wasn’t Chuck Norris!

God Fearing?

Knock, Knock. Who’s there? Jehovah’s Witnesses. Well “you fucking Jehovah’s Witnesses, get the fuck off my property!” Rudolf Hellmold from Aripeka was arrested after he  pointed a loaded handgun at Jehovah’s Witnesses, Carla Dignall and Lenore Salvato, who were about to knock on his door.

Psst Can you go to hell for that?

 

When Granny Goes Wild

One of the few things to look forward to when you are old…getting away with being friggin crazy.

Oh Goodie, Terrorist Alert Before Christmas

How much to send this to the US?

Oh crap, the US terrorist alert has flipped into “full on fear”  following  explosive packages being found at a UK and Dubai airport overnight. Sheez, it  must be real serious, because even President Obama took time out from his busy schedule to warn of a “credible terrorist threat” after the two suspicious packages (disguised as printer cartridges) turned out to be friggin bombs. Both packages were on United Parcel Service (UPS) flights originating from Yemen and destined for Chicago AND both were addressed to unnamed synagogues in Chicago. Al Qaeda have been named as the usual suspect.

UPDATE : A Yemeni woman has been arrested over the bombs.

Anyone Misplaced Their Rocket Launcher?

Hmm, can the owner of the M72 loaded self propelled rocket launcher who left it near the side of a Canadian highway please contact police, they want a little word with you. The loaded weapon was discovered in dense shrub by tree pruner Steve Taylor  who pretty much thought WTF? He contacted police who contacted the  Canadian Forces Explosive Ordinance Disposal Unit who also pretty much thought WTF? Now everyone is thinking WTF?

Fainting Kitty

OMG, this little kitty is either the best little damn feline actor in the world or its got a serious issue ….

Psst The two kittens, Spike and Charlie, suffer from  myotonia congenita otherwise known as “fainting goat” syndrome

Granny Kicks Pumpkin Head in The Balls

Noooooooooo!!!!!

If you waltz into 88 year old Kathryn Byassee’s Kentucky home without so much as a hello, expect a kick in the balls. When Ms Byassee walked into her kitchen at 5 am she was confronted by an intruder wearing a pumpkin mask. As he wrestled her into the bedroom and tried to smother her with a pillow she gave him one almighty kick in the crotch. That’s a monster mash right there! Police are now looking for a seriously embarrassed pumpkin with a limp.

Step Away From The Water Bottle

No need to panic men, but a study in China has revealed that a chemical found in plastic bottles and soda cans can mess with your sperm (and not in a good way). Bisphenol A (or the less scary name BPA) is the culprit and has the ability to lower sperm counts, reduce its quality and result in erectile dysfunction. Dear god! Who needs a one child policy when you have BPA? The chemical can be found in most canned food linings and has been detected in the urine of 90% of the US population. Bullet dodgers (government agencies including the US) however are claiming the tests were done on Chinese factory workers who were exposed to higher levels of the chemical than consumers. Their conclusion…. it’s safe.

Waterboarding Your Girlfriend is Wrong

Oh for crying out loud mister, waterboarding your girlfriend is so 2004. Trevor Case has been charged with a pile of offenses after he bound his girlfriend’s wrists, tied her to the couch, stuffed socks in her mouth, put a tee over her head and poured water over it. That’s a waterboarding. Reason? He suspected she was cheating. No word on whether he got the truth out of her before she was able to escape.