Land Of The Long White Cloud…. and Sheep

The Loon is off to New Zealand today, so, as I am not even sure they have internet over there, I will be a bit sporadic with my posts. Hmm, I might even  have to Morse code it! Note to self , be careful when they say six (that could get the Loon in big strife!). Do you know what’s the hardest 5 years of a New Zealander’s life? Grade 1. OMG, I am so going to have fun, eh bro?

Don’t Play With Your Gun On The Loo

OK, here’s the thing Dustin Sippel, when sitting on the toilet playing with your gun  (real gun people, stay focused!) don’t fire it into to the floor, especially if there is an apartment below you . When the irate neighbor confronted Sippel, he told him he was drilling a hole in the floor but when police arrived he admitted he fired a bullet while  stoned and drunk . Sheez, that’s 9 year right there!

The Nicotine Made Me Do It

If you haven’t had a cigarette in 2 days  do you ring 911 and say a) you have witnessed a murder b) you’ve been stabbed c) I saw a woman get killed and buried or d) all of the above?  Alex Baker, who rang the Tennessee police three times, blamed his bad behavior on a nicotine fit. Dude just friggin smoke, jail ain’t worth it.

Snow Job?

Piss off, we have enough problems with Wikileaks!

Some guy in Michigan is claiming he has found proof of alien life form. Yes indeedy, Duane Snyder is in possession of an ice meteorite (whatever the hell that is) which he says has friggin extraterrestrial organisms in it. OK people, just because it was found near Kalamazoo doesn’t mean it’s a hoax. Duane found the chunk of ice on a road near his home and since it hadn’t snowed for weeks he deducted it must have come from an ice meteorite. He popped the ice in his freezer and for 10 years had been trying to get a someone  to friggin analyze it. Dear god, aliens in your freezer for a decade, I hope it wasn’t next to food!. Anywho,  in the end he paid to have two  chemical analyzes performed and guess what? It contained unique molecular structures…which can only mean one thing. Some drunk bastard either pissed on it or there is goddamn alien lifeforms living in that there freezer.

Hobbits Are Light Skinned

Hobbits eh bro?

Holy Hobbit racism row Batman. Attention little people auditioning for The Hobbit in New Zealand, no dark skinned women need apply! Hobbits are friggin light skinned OK!!!! Seems the casting agent for the Peter Jackson film has got his ass asked well and truly kicked for placing an ad in a newspaper which requested extras with “light skin tones”. Oh boy, seems a British Pakistani women, who was told she wasn’t white enough, is now friggin pissed and screaming racism. Hmm, way to get yourself a part in the movie!

Psst WTF is a hobbit?

Wikileaks Isn’t All That!

Harry Potter has more action!

Oh for crying out loud people, this whole who-ha about the latest Wikileaks is just crap. Come on lets get real here, the documents are more embarrassing than a threat to national security. There ain’t any friggin earth shattering leak that would send us into “I friggin told you so” mode. It’s all just friggin bitchy name calling and blah blah blahing about despots.Where’s the document that has all the world leaders agreeing to lie about the weapons of mass destruction? Where’s the documents proving Obama is a Muslim sleeper? Hello, there isn’t even a strongly worded letter from the UN to Kim Jong Il for goodness sakes.  Sheez, there’s more “shock horror” about Travolta than Hilary. Get with the program guys, dig deeper I want proof they didn’t get to the moon.

Nothing Worse Than a Clumsy Co Pilot

You know what I hate? When a  friggin clumsy co-pilot knocks the control column  while adjusting his seat, sending the plane plunging 2,000m and then refuses to let the pilot into the cockpit because he’s in  a panic. I really friggin hate that. The Air India incident happened when the pilot went off to take a leak. Luckily for the 113 “WTFing” passengers the pilot was able to use an emergency code to get back into the cockpit and bitch slap the dumbass before getting the plane out of the nosedive.

Didn’t See It Coming

Now this could come in handy loons, especially if you can’t find your beer goggles. A man in England sought medical help after he kept going temporarily blind during sex. The unnamed man was evidently  suffering from vasoconstriction ( the same condition that causes erectile dysfunction) where the muscle walls contract around a blood vessel and viola, blind as a bat. Hmm, nice window of opportunity to do a runner, I say!

Scariest Friggin Doll EVER!!!

WTF?

So That’s Why You’re Single!

I'm thinking eHarmony!

OK here’s the thing daddy, can you quit scaring off  eligible bachelors , I’m a desperate 42 year old surgeon for godness sakes! The Saudi women is currently suing her dad, who also happens to be her male guardian, because he is forcibly keeping her single. Could it be because her nice hefty salary goes directly into his bank account? I think so.