Hi Honey I’m Home!

Wait until I get home you bastard!!!!

OK loons, I found out something really cool. If I worked as an immigration officer I could put my partner’s name  on the list of terrorist suspects and stop the bastard flying home. No, no, it’s true, some guy did it to his wife and she got banned from boarding flights back into Britain for three years. When she toddled off to Pakistan to visit her family her hubby whacked her name on the list and viola, infinite wifelessness . The incident was only discovered after the man was selected for promotion and they found his wife’s name on the terror suspects list. Needless to say he’s now been sacked. Hmm, worst is yet to come…..wife is now off the list!

Want sauce with that?

One Of Nature’s Nasties!

Now this is how I like my nature programs …”The Cassowary is a hideous and hateful bastard of a bird, and like most things that live in Australia, if ya piss it off, it can totally kick the shit out of you.”

 

Thanks!

Oh for crying out loud, what is wrong with this picture? A judge in England decided not to send a man, who attacked two men during a brawl, to jail so he could come live in Australia with his wife and family. WTF, we stopped taking convicts years ago, didn’t we? James O’Neill got a “get out of Jail free” card when his lawyer argued that O’Neill would be unable to enter Australia if he had a custodial sentence.

Want sauce with that?

What A Dick

OK. Ouch!

How far would you go to win a new silver Mini Cooper? Well, Andreas Mueller had the word “MINI” tattooed on his penis to win one. Yep, a German radio show offered a free car if he had his penis inked live on air. After the screaming stopped he said “Once I’m sitting in the car, it won’t matter anymore,” Yah think? Hello, you now have friggin “mini” printed on your dick! Did you really think this through?

Psst Pity the fool who did the tattooing!

Granny With A Grudge

Take that!

There is nothing worse than a granny with a grudge, especially when it involves ketchup, mayo, corn syrup and a book library drop box. For over a year the Ada County Community Library have been trying to catch the fiend who had been pouring an assortment of condiments into the drive up book drop off box and ruining books. Well, mystery is finally over. Joy Cassidy (75) was caught after a Boise police stakeout and sentenced to a month in jail. Seems her motive was revenge for how some senior cits had been treated by patrons and staff over the years.

Don’t Mess With Mom

Wanna mess with him again?

A Crestview mom came up with a simple and friggin effective way to stop her eldest son picking on his younger bro. Call the police.Yep, after oldest son (18) got peeved with mom, he went off and slapped his younger brother. Response? A call to the cops. Hmm, after they  noted a red mark on younger boy’s face, they arrested older brother for battery.

Honey, Where’s Your Slippers?

OK, here’s the thing purse snatcher. If you want some respect, don’t be leaving your slippers at the scene of the crime. Your friggin slippers for goodness sakes, have some pride man, at least dress before scaring the shit out of poor women. A 19 year old woman told police she was walking down a street in Youngstown when a man pulled up in a car and asked her for directions. After giving him assistance he jumped out of the car and grabbed her purse. But she wasn’t going to give up that easily and held on tight, resulting in both of them falling to the ground. He then grabbed the purse and drove off,  leaving behind a pair of slippers.

Psst Hmm, sure his car didn’t turn back into a pumpkin?

Want sauce with that?

Geezer Bandit Strikes Again

Hey Loons, remember the Geezer Bandit? You know, the old dude who keeps robbing them banks in California? Well anywho, he’s been at it again. Bank number 13 thank you very much and still not any closer to being caught. Hmm, a new theory is circulating that he ain’t no old geezer at all,  but just some whippersnapper wearing a theatrical mask! Good thinking Sherlock!

Better Than Having To Talk To Those Freaks

And now for a piece of useless information. How many text messages are received every single day in the US? If you said about 200,000,000,000,000 (which is friggin two hundred trillion) you’d be  correct. Teens alone send on average about 3339 a month. OMG, I’m LMfrigginAO!

Move Over Friztl, We Have a New Dungeon Master

Brazilian man Joao Batista Groppo had allegedly been keeping his wife, Sebastiana, locked up in a cellar for 16 years. She was discovered lying starkers in a corner of the cellar with just a blanket after police received a tip-off. Hmm, 16 years and they finally get a tip-off? The room was evidently covered in feces and crawling with roaches. Groppo, who had been married to Sebastiana for 40 years, told police she was mentally ill. Alrighty then, so that would explain the girlfriend (Maria Aparecida Furquim) he had living upstairs. Both Groppo and Furquim have been charged with illegal imprisonment.

Psst So for 16 years who did the dishes?