Monthly Archives: February 2014

Hong Kong

what is worse than staying at Disneyland? Getting molested by Pluto and Mickey Mouse while having dinner. . Seriously work can be such a bitch 😉image

11 Comments

Filed under Uncategorized

Break In Transmission

Attention Loons, as of tomorrow I will be broadcasting from Hong Kong. Yes, the Loon is going  to the orient.  Oh, come on, stop the moaning, its for work.  No really. 😉

7 Comments

Filed under Uncategorized

Everybody Duck, Space Junk Heading Our Way

EXPLOSION 8Stack hats at the ready Loons, a defunct Russian satellite is going to be crashing to earth today and experts haven’t a clue where it is going to kaboom.The Russians have released the standard pre crash warning blah blahs about the unlikely chance of getting hit by space junk fragments because most of the planet is covered in water. Just let it be known the Loon warned you.

5 Comments

Filed under Friggin Scary

Snake Pastor Dies

snake6A reality show pastor, who used deadly snakes in his sermons, has died after he refused medical help after getting bitten. The reason? Well, the Bible says a poisonous snakebite will not harm anyone as long as they are anointed by God’s power. Hmm, that’s like awkward.

7 Comments

Filed under Sore Loser, Whoops!

We Will Find You!!!

police 6Move over library Nazis we have a new winner. A woman from South Carolina, who failed to return a video she rented in 2005, was plonked in jail overnight for failure to return it and was released on a $2220 bond. The JLo vid, Monster-In-Law, has been AWOL for 8 years but police have never given up the pursuit, despite the video company no longer existing.

4 Comments

Filed under All That Is Wrong With The World, Well I Never

Well, Won’t This Be Awkward?

richard-simmons2A gay art student is planning to lose his virginity in front of 100 people at a London Gallery as part of his exhibit entitled ‘Art School Stole My Virginity’ . Oooh but wait, there is more, following the sex he plans to have a Q&A session. The art student and his anonymous partner will have protected sex of course but he has yet to tell his parents about his plans. Clayton Pettet said ‘The key thing about performance art is that it should only be performed once, and this is the ultimate once-in-a-lifetime performance.’ Hmm, a 100 people you say?

8 Comments

Filed under That's Gotta Hurt, Well I Never

Chainsawing Pothead

naked-manAussie, Aussie, Aussie, Oi, Oi. An Aussie guy cranked up a stolen chainsaw and whacked a flower pot on his head before robbing a 7-Eleven store in Queensland. Unfortunately the buzzing saw wasn’t enough to convince the store employees to hand over money so the dude mooned them and cut up a few display racks before fleeing with a bottle of soda. The police later found him walking down the street.

4 Comments

Filed under Friggin Dumbass, Friggin Hilarious

Winter Vomiting Disease Cure

vomitEver heard of winter vomiting disease? Me neither but evidently chomping on a pizza may just prevent it. Seems Carvacrol, that can be found in oregano oil, can halt the spread of the norovirus. OK whoops, no, sorry, eating copious amounts of pizza won’t stop you from upchucking and getting the squirts because carvacrol only works when used as a sanitizer and I can’t see anyone ordering that on a  pizza. As you were, nothing to see here.

4 Comments

Filed under Thanks For Nothing, Well I Never

No Bull

cow5Attention good people of Virginia please be on the look out for 10 containers of bull semen. Evidently, they were stolen from a farm and if they thaw out they will be friggin useless.

3 Comments

Filed under Well I Never

No Polar Bear Cover

ambulanceYou know what I hate? When you discover your Canadian insurance doesn’t cover the costs of being attacked by a polar bear. Hmm, should have checked the fine print before walking home from a Halloween party in Manitoba. The woman was minding her own beeswax when the angry beast jumped out from nowhere tore off a chuck of her scalp, severed three arteries  and took part of her ear. To add salt to the injury her insurance company won’t cover the cost of her emergency transportation, a whopping $13,000.

Hmm, I better check to see if mine covers being attacked by wombats, wallabies or Great Whites …just saying.

 

11 Comments

Filed under Well I Never