All Browns

OMG, seems an airplane dropped its mother load on a New Zealand woman’s car and by load I mean poop. Yep, the poor Kiwi (who lives along the Auckland flight path) woke up to the stench of human faeces and then later, after a bit of Sherlocking, found some nasty brown clumps covering her car.The woman’s response ‘The first thing when I walked out of my door this morning and I saw it, I thought an airplane shat on us. You open the door and it smells like shit,’. A former pilot and safety consultant claims it is an urban myth that planes can dump passenger excrement over houses unless there is a major leak, as modern planes use a vacuum system. Might want to sus out the neighbours or look for an enormous ostrich with diarrhoea, bro.

Too Lazy To Go Postal

Ah , F*** it

If you live in New York and have only randomly received your mail in the last few years I may know why. It  seems a postal worker has been hoarding them. Authorities found 40,000 undelivered mail items in his apartment, some dating back to 2005. The 67 year old is blaming depression and alcohol for his poor work ethics. It took 5 postal workers, five hours to remove all the mail. No word on whether he had opened any. Sheez, that would have kept me entertained for years.

Psst  OK, I had to do the sums … 40,000 over say 8 years, lets go with about 5000 undelivered pieces of mail a year. Divide that by 52 weeks = 97 undelivered a week, which is about 19 a day (working on a 5 day week).  If we take out days off,  including holidays and sick leave …. that was one lazy bastard.

Move On Ladies, Nothing To See Here

Oh and straight into the “who cares” bucket, George Clooney got married over the weekend. Just in case you hadn’t heard.

Timber Jesus

OK Loons, you might have to look especially hard to see Jesus in this piece of lumber but the owner of the saw mill swears it’s him. Sorry, but I can’t see Jesus for the woods.

 

Complicating Toilet Paper

Sick of  poop on your hands after going to the toilet? Well have I got a product for you that promises faeces free hands. Introducing  pocket toilet paper, where you simply slip your hands into a pocket made from two pieces of toilet paper. Some dude is trying to raise $121,000 on a kickstarter site to get this little winner off the ground.   So far he has been promised $3 ….

Psst I think the prob is going going to be , how to slip it off your hand without, you know, having it run down…oh never mind.

Safe Sex Food

An author in Japan has written a cookbook entitled Condom Dishes I Want to Make for You that contains 11 recipes  made by stuffing food into condoms. Needless to say it is now on the top of Japan’s  bestsellers list.

Psst Wouldn’t the food be a tad chewy?

Sneaky Sneakers

O Oh, the Japanese police are onto you tosatsu shoe owners, hand them over and go quietly before your family finds out. The “tosatsu shoes” aka voyeur shoes, have built-in hidden cameras that are designed to film up women’s dresses. The Police not only raided the supplier and confiscated their stock but also obtained the mailing list of their customers. Run little voyeurs with your pumped up kicks!!

Health and Safety Strikes Again

A modern mosque in Cape Town that is pro gay and allows women to lead prayers has been closed indefinitely after 4 days. Reason? No Loons, not because of death threats or complaints ….wait for it … because of local councillors who say they have violated municipal by-laws by not having any parking spaces….oh and because they converted an old  warehouse without permission.

Thought of the Day

Evidently Terrorist’s Hate Talent Shows

OK people, you might be taking this increased terrorism level threat a little too far. Seems extra security has been placed on the set of X Factor Australia to screen audience members carrying bags onto the set. Hmm, with all the pyrotechnics used on the show it would be hard to work out who was kabooming who. I smell a publicity stunt.

Note I gotta ask …why is no one worried about Channel Ten’s Family Feud?