Monthly Archives: April 2015

New Meaning to Pole Bearers

Funeral Service anyone?

Okey Dokey, attention Chinese funeral directors, can you quit with the strippers at funerals to attract larger crowds please. Seems the government isn’t happy.  The craze has escalated n recent years due to the fear if you have a small crappy funeral your afterlife will suck. At one funeral a stripper took off her top in front of mourners (including children) while another performed with a snake. Hmm, wouldn’t that attract the devil? As for the excuse, locals believe stripping has gained popularity in rural China due to lack of cultural events.

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Filed under Friggin Hilarious, Well I Never

Public Service Announcement

Robber rocks crying  baby to sleepIf for some unknown reason anyone has bought their condoms through Groupon Australia, you might be in for a few surprises. Sorry to inform you that they are counterfeit and more than likely to contain holes. o oh.

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Filed under Whoops!

Bringing Up The Rear

Oh dear, Blake Shinn had an awkward wardrobe malfunction at Canterbury Racecourse

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Filed under Friggin Hilarious, Whoops!

Town Slogan Fail

I won’t be putting this place on my bucket list anytime soon. The slogan for the Canadian town of Tisdale, Saskatchewan, has been for years… “The Land of Rape and Honey.” Settle loons, the “rape”refers to rapeseed. However, since the production of rapeseed has rapidly declined in recent years they are thinking of a slogan change. OK, here’s our chance to shine…. any ideas? I’m going for “Bee more,  rape less”

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Filed under All That Is Wrong With The World

What Happened to Nanny State?

wrongTwo sisters in Devon, England are forced each night to be locked in their rooms and to use a baby monitor to notify their mother if they need to go to the toilet. Reason? Mummy dearest married a pedophile. The council have allowed the new hubby to live under the same roof if the girls are locked up each night ( because he is still considered a risk) and he sleeps on the wall side of the bed so he has to climb over his wife (theoretically waking her)  if he tries something nasty.  Sleep with one eye open everybody. Funnily the biological daddy has a problem with this.

PSSt Not a good time for my auto corrector to keep changing locked  to licked …just saying.

7 Comments

Filed under Friggin Councils

How to Avoid Being Eaten By a Shark

shark attackAccording to a new report playing dead when confronted by a shark is not going to save you. No shit Sherlock. Who on earth could play dead for goodness sakes? Anywho, a shark is still going to have a nip whether you play dead or not. Useless in my case because, even if I miraculously managed to pretend I was dead, I would still have to have a little  peek to see where the bugger was. Oh and if you thought splashing around like a mad man was going to scare it off, don’t bother,  evidently it attracts more sharks.

Here  is where  the loon would definitely become shark bait…..jewellery or bright swimming costumes will make you look like a big old shiny fish.

Never , ever , enter water while bleeding. Sharks are bloodhounds of the sea and can pinpoint exactly where and who .

Make sure you swim in a group, preferably right smack bang in the middle. Sharks like to pick off the lone swimmer.

My advice on how to avoid a shark attack ….. take up knitting.

 

 

5 Comments

Filed under Friggin Wildlife

Stop Hogging The Bag

I hate my life!

I hate my life!

Not even Kwells are going to help the 2,500 poor souls trapped on the cruise ship off the coast of Sydney. Wild weather has stopped them entering Sydney Harbour and left them rocking and rolling on the open sea.  I hope they have stocked up on sea sick bags. Consider dinner cancelled.

PSST Did I mention a monster wave hit the ship and sent a door flying to kingdom come.

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Filed under Uncategorized

Oh Sweet Child Of Mine

Oh dear god, imagine if a sperm bank accidentally sent you an email with your sperm donor’s real name on it. You know, the man with an IQ of 160, who has an undergraduate degree in neuroscience and a master’s degree in artificial intelligence and who was pursuing a Ph.D. in neuroscience engineering. Yeah him. Well, imagine if you now research the dude and it turns out the father of your child is really a schizophrenic college dropout with a criminal history ….. ooh plus the photo of him had been altered to remove a large mole on his cheek? That’s a big friggin law suit right there. Sleep with one eye open .

9 Comments

Filed under All That Is Wrong With The World

Attention Museum Loving Loons

OK Loons, I have had a request from the cultural complex in Busselton who are competing globally in a …wait for it … ArtGeo Museum Dance Off.  They are competing with 28 other museums around the world (including the Smithsonian)  in a dance comp and they need our votes.  Come on Loons, they are from Western Australia competing with the likes of the Cambridge Museum of Technology in the United Kingdom, the Fine Arts Museum Zanabazar in Mongolia and the Smithsonian’s very own National Museum of American History. Think what your vote could mean? Busselton could become the dance capital of the world!!!!!

This is their video

 

IMPORTANT : This is how you vote. Go to HERE on the 22nd of April and vote for

Busselton voting

 

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Filed under Friggin Awesome, Well I Never

Tattoo Fail

dunceDidn’t mean to laugh but a silly billy prisoner who decided to carve a tattoo of 666 on his forehead forgot he was doing it in a mirror so of course the numbers are backward. His forehead now features three upside down 9s. Awks.

6 Comments

Filed under Friggin Dumbass