While You Were Sleeping

A word of warning to all top officials, if you doze off during a Kim Jong Un meeting expect to be kaboomed with an anti aircraft gun. Just ask, oh wait, never mind. The head of the education ministry was spotted sleeping during a rant by the ‘glorious leader’ and promptly escorted out and executed with a high end military weapon. Nothing but the best for sleeping, lowlife, dissident, scum dog.

Self Serve

If you try and purchase $2,200 worth of gift cards at a Safeway store and your cheque bounces what do you do? Apparently, if you are a middle aged woman with an SUV you smash into store and drive up and down the aisles. She was arrested at home. No word on whether she got her gift cards.

PSST Oregon

Not A Leg To Stand On

What’s the quickest way to make $250,000? Well, if you don’t mind losing a hand and foot you could always attempt an insurance scam. Just ask the Vietnamese guy who persuaded his friend to lob off her limbs. The man cut off his friend’s hand and foot and plonked her near a railway line before ringing an ambulance, in the hope of claiming medical insurance. Unfortunately for her, the ruse came undone when police became sus about the story and did some digging. The trick , it seems,  is not to have a failing business. Now she is an unemployed, limbless pauper. Oh well.

First Impressions FAIL

You know what I hate? When you try to impress someone by jumping between two buildings but you mistime your jump and fall between the gap and have to be rescued. You gotta really hate that. A uni student from Pittsburgh was out to impress a woman but after crews had to use jackhammers to smash through a restaurant wall to extract him , I’m guessing it’s a NO.

 

It Was An Emergency

A woman who missed the last bus for the night wasn’t going to be left stranded. No friggin way. She jumped into an ambulance, that had been left running outside a hospital while the driver attended a patient, and took off. Of course she didn’t get far, of course she had a suspended driver license, of course she was from Ohio (home of  friggin Bearman).

Trumped

What is worse than Donald Trump’s hair? Hmm, how’s about naked Donald Trump statues. Dear lord. A Cleveland artist is responsible for the life size Trump sculptures that have popped up in around New York, San Francisco, Los Angeles, Seattle and Cleveland. Some things can’t be unseen.

Psst : The plaques on the statues read “The Emperor has no balls”.

Finally

All I can say is thank goodness the Rio Olympics are over…sheez. I did have sympathy for the cameramen, who tried in vain to make it look like there were no empty seats. But these guys some it up the best….

Don’t Fence Me In

Oh dear, what is worse than getting your head stuck between two concrete barriers? Having police officers, firefighters and the press rocking up. This 8 year old will rue the day she ever wanted to see if her head fitted through.

When My Baby Smiles at Me I Go To…..

Oh for crying out loud, don’t you hate it when you have cleared the pole vault and your pole gets in the way. Awks. No medal for him, but a whole lot of respect!!!

Is It Diving or Running

After watching an athlete dive over the finish line to steal a gold at the Rio Olympics, I am hoping the rules will be changed. Shaunae Miller who was clearly going to lose the 400m race to American Allyson Felix , dives to win gold.  I hope the rules will be changed so it is the first FOOT to cross the line WINS.