A few years back I posted about a fatberg that was blocking the London sewers. Well, it is back and it is grosser and slimier and fatter than ever. It is so big they have brought in engineers to work out how to remove it. The 250m long 130 tonne of fat is comprised of wet wipes, nappies, oil and condoms. It may take over a month to move the mammoth monster fatberg as it has set hard. Pity the fool that has to chisel away at that.
I truly hope this is fake news. Two gold prospectors walked into a bar in Brazil and bragged that they had killed at least 10 members of a remote Amazonian tribe. The indigenous tribe, known as the Uncontacted, had been gathering eggs along the river bank. The men told how they had hacked them up and thrown them into the river. Despite no deaths having been reported (hmm, ironic as they have no contact with outside world) the men have been detained.
As more land is being cleared on the Peruvian and Brazilian borders , some ruthless prospectors and miners are determined to kill off these indigenous tribes. Seriously, humanity has gone to hell in a handbag.
Despite popular belief that Kim Jong Un’s wife had been executed, the unluckiest woman in the world has been
dragged brought out into the public to attend a lavish banquet. It’s the first time Mrs Kim Jong Un has been seen in public since December. The banquet was in held in honour of the latest hydrogen bomb test. It is believed the missus was hidden away due to a pregnancy. Gossip surrounds the couple’s other two children with Kim Jong Un. Bets are they are girls as they have never been seen in public. Fingers crossed the latest is a boy or we might not be seeing her again.
Its an epic tale of dating fail. Picture this. You are on your first Tinder date. You get invite back to the guy’s house. Everything is going great until you have to go to the toilet. You realise it’s a number 2 coming. Fine, no worries. But the goddamn turd is a floater. It won’t flush. Quick, think? You haven’t got a handbag to scoop the poop into. OMG, think quick. Window! Lets throw it out the window. All sounds legit. Hmm, except your aim is atrocious and instead of throwing it out the window you throw it between an internal and external layer of glass. There it is the turd staring at you from between the glass. WTF…noooooooo!!!!
This is the moment of truth. What are you going to do. Just leave and pray the guy will never notice or just be up front and tell him? OR…option three, try and retrieve it? OK, in hindsight option three was not the best move. I can only picture the guys face when she had to scream for help. Getting wedged inside the two layers of glass with your poo steaming away is one thing…having to explain yourself….50 shades of shame. Luckily the shit slinger of Shirehampton had a great sense of humour and though they had to call the fire brigade and endure further humiliation she did get the guy to snap photos of it all. Bless. A story to tell the grandkids.
Evidently goat yoga is a thing. The Possum Valley Animal Sanctuary are offering Goat Yoga sessions. Yep and they have been so popular they have had to add more. Hmmm, I wonder if kids are allowed…get it ki…oh nevermind.
A guy has invented a material that can grow at the same time as a child. Yep, it’s true. Saving parents thousands on clothing. The clothes can fit a 3yr old to a 6 yr old. No more kids growing out of their clothes. The material is engineered to grow up to 6 sizes. Now all you have to do is convince your snowflake to wear this for 3 years.
Sorry about the lack of posts yesterday, the Loon is digging a bunker. Yes, I have decided to become a prepper. It is all Kim Jong Un’s fault. I have no faith in his missile capabilities. That is, I suspect its good luck rather than good management that his missiles haven’t kaboomed another country yet. So I am going it alone. Move over Tiny Houses, hello Tiny Kaboom Shelter.
Being a prepper isn’t easy. So many extension cords. So little in canned food cuisine. I have been watching the film Martian over and over again for inspiration …basically to see if I can devise a way to re-purpose the kitty litter. Maybe grow potatoes?
I have also been spending up big on all the infomercials… got myself the Rocky Mountain Tumbler, Olde Brooklyn lantern, Eurobed, Air Dragon Pump and VIP Poo spray.
I’m pretty much all set for nuclear annihilation.
OMG no Burger King , no. The fast food chain is offering free burgers to any ex employees who have been sacked. There is a catch. All you have to do is go onto you LinkedIn account and post this … “I got fired. I want a free Whopper. #WhopperSeverance.” WTF marketing department a) comfort food just adding to unemployment woes b) that is going to kill your LinkedIn profile. Good luck finding another job anytime soon. You will need those burgers. Surely Fake News?