Step Away From The Tap And Start Talking In A Squeaky Voice

Oh dear lord, toxic water. Thanks farmers and the goddam drought. Seems all the sucking up of ground water has increased the levels of arsenic in some areas of California. One woman who bathed her 4 year son in tap water said he has developed arsenic related bumps on his head. Oh and for those not worried about being poisoned, Helium-3 is also leaking from the earth in Southern California. Inconvenient truth.

Eggs Benedict

An artist is about to put her art work on display in Wisconsin. Called “Eggs Benedict”, the work made entirely out of 17,000 coloured condoms, bears an uncanny resemblance to retired Pope, Benedict. The work is a protest about comments he made a few years back claiming the use of contraception in Africa could increase the spread of AIDS. A bit late honey on your protest!

To Be Or Not To Be

Hmm, here’s the thing, you have been on death row for 15 years but you swear you’re innocent, what ya gonna do? Go on friggin Youtube and plead your case, that’s what. Jeffrey Matthews and his friend Tracy Dyer were found guilty of killing Otis Short in Oklahoma in 1994. Dyer admitted guilt and got life but Matthews denied even being there and got the death penalty. As a last ditch effort to get the Governor of Oklahoma to reopen the case he has made a plea via Youtube.

Here’s the story

Here’s the plea

So what do you think loons, guilty or innocent? Should they have a retrial or lethally inject?

Shit Happens

Hurry up Fido, I need to go!

A word of warning to all residents of Baltimore’s Scarlett Place who are letting their dogs shit all over the place without scooping it up, they are on to ya.There is a plan underway to have all the dogs DNA tested in the upscale address so they can  catch the culprit/s and it’s owner/s then fine their sorry asses. You think I jest? Next week the condo board will vote to make it mandatory to have all pooches DNA tested.

Honey, Why Is There A Hole In Our Backyard?

Maybe we should have knocked first?

Whoopsie daisy, someone has got the address wrong again. Peter Collard, who was selling his house in Brisbane, received an urgent call from his real estate agent telling him he better get home real quick, men were digging up his yard. However, by the time Mr Collard arrived the men had skedaddled but they had left him with around $20,000 worth of damage (which insurance won’t cover). Backhoes can be a bitch! Seems the men were digging a pool but as soon as they realized their mistake (thanks in part probably to the real estate dude) they took off like jackrabbits.Police are still trying to work out who the hell they were!

Psst Geez, had you just been quiet  you could have had a friggin free pool!

Where’s Bin Laden?

Oh for goodness sakes people, one minute  Osama Bin Laden is hiding out in Iran training friggin falcons and the next minute (if Imadinnerjacket is to be believed)  he’s in friggin Washington. Gosh, he must have the best hiding place ever!

Psst I bet you anything he has a Twitter account!

No Stuffed Toys Where You’re Going!

Do you know what they do to rabbits in there?

OK, sure he hacked a schoolmate to death, sure he’s got a life sentence with no chance for parole, but denying him his stuffed bunny called Nicholas to keep him company is a tad harsh don’t you think? Hello, John Odgren has Asperger’s syndrome, and unless that rabbit has a file hidden inside it, what’s the harm? Odgren fatally stabbed James Alenson in a school bathroom when he was 16 and now, three years later he has been sentenced to life behind bars. Unfortunately, Nicholas the bunny, who was his only comfort in the holding cell during his trial, has escaped the same fate and is free to go.

It Was All A Big Misunderstanding

Oh dear, a middle aged Swedish couple were kicked off a bus and charged with sexual harrassment  after it was alleged they had committed sex acts in plain view of the passengers. Despite numerous complaints about their hanky panky, the couple , a muscican and real estate agent, claim  “We did not have sex. She stroked me on my tummy just inside my shirt,”

Chop Chop

Come back you chicken!

Chunren Chen (63), a busboy at Jade Palace in California, is denying he plunged  a cleaver into the back of cook Zezhong Yang during a fight in the kitchen. If found guilty the busboy could get 10 years for attempted murder. OK, I know it ain’t much of a story but if I was still a busboy at 63 I think I might be swinging a cleaver too!

Scales Of Justice

Dude!

Oh my, how gross.  James Jones of Edinburgh apparently did not weigh his penis on a fruit and veg scale at a Scotmid store. Shop assistant Melanie Gugliemino claimed she saw Mr Jones and his mate at the scales with what looked like his penis exposed. When she confronted them, Mr Jones told her  “We are just having our privates weighed”. Agnes Fagan, the store manager who was watching the CCTV footage at the time also believed they had put their penises on the scale. Unfortunately the footage, when viewed in court, was inconclusive as there was no clear shot of their privates. Court therefore found him not guilty of public indecency. Hmm, guess we will never know how much it weighed!

Psst Remind me never to use scales ever again!