What is up with the mystery jogger that likes to take a crap on people’s lawn. So random, so disgusting, so grrr. The unidentified culprit is a female who drops her load before jogging away. She even brings her own toilet paper and leaves that too. So mortified is one resident she has posted messages around the neighbourhood…“To the female jogger that continuously uses of walkway as her toilet: Please stop immediately! You have already exposed yourself to our children and the police have been contacted twice,”
Evidently there is a public toilet directly across from her dump site.
A few years back I posted about a fatberg that was blocking the London sewers. Well, it is back and it is grosser and slimier and fatter than ever. It is so big they have brought in engineers to work out how to remove it. The 250m long 130 tonne of fat is comprised of wet wipes, nappies, oil and condoms. It may take over a month to move the mammoth monster fatberg as it has set hard. Pity the fool that has to chisel away at that.
Its an epic tale of dating fail. Picture this. You are on your first Tinder date. You get invite back to the guy’s house. Everything is going great until you have to go to the toilet. You realise it’s a number 2 coming. Fine, no worries. But the goddamn turd is a floater. It won’t flush. Quick, think? You haven’t got a handbag to scoop the poop into. OMG, think quick. Window! Lets throw it out the window. All sounds legit. Hmm, except your aim is atrocious and instead of throwing it out the window you throw it between an internal and external layer of glass. There it is the turd staring at you from between the glass. WTF…noooooooo!!!!
This is the moment of truth. What are you going to do. Just leave and pray the guy will never notice or just be up front and tell him? OR…option three, try and retrieve it? OK, in hindsight option three was not the best move. I can only picture the guys face when she had to scream for help. Getting wedged inside the two layers of glass with your poo steaming away is one thing…having to explain yourself….50 shades of shame. Luckily the shit slinger of Shirehampton had a great sense of humour and though they had to call the fire brigade and endure further humiliation she did get the guy to snap photos of it all. Bless. A story to tell the grandkids.
What we have all learnt from this year’s US presidential election is to never, ever make a bet. Just ask Sam Wang, founder of the Princeton Election Consortium, who promised to eat a bug if Trump received more that 240 electoral votes. Silly man. I am personally owed 2 lunches for the suckers who thought Hillary was a romp in. Now, now before you all go hate on me, I wasn’t hoping for a Trump win, just loving the reaction I got when I said he was going to win.
What’s worse than having your house ransacked? Coming home to find the burglar’s on the couch having sex. Sheez, get a room. In the unfortunate owner’s words… “It’s like they just had a big ol’ nasty party.’ Worse still, while the owner was a way for a few days the burglar couple were seen flogging her jewellery. She has since set up a GoFundMe page which has managed to raise $10.
PSST: I hope she sold the couch.
Ever wondered how a woman could get a 2 inch furball in her vagina? Me neither. However, it happened. A woman, who let her two kitties sleep in her bed, began complaining of severe stomach aches. Off she toddled to the gyno who on further inspection discovered a furball entangled in her IUD contraceptive coil. Go on, permission to gag. Evidently, neither her partner or herself slept in underwear and well, during sex cat hairs become attached to boyfriend’s penis…you can figure out the rest. I am guessing poor Cricket and Donut no longer snuggle up in bed with them.
From the woman that bought you the Skittles dress, introducing the pube hair dress. I know, just gross. But loons, there is more, the designer used social media to source the pubic hairs. Oh for the love of hair wax, just NO.