Its an epic tale of dating fail. Picture this. You are on your first Tinder date. You get invite back to the guy’s house. Everything is going great until you have to go to the toilet. You realise it’s a number 2 coming. Fine, no worries. But the goddamn turd is a floater. It won’t flush. Quick, think? You haven’t got a handbag to scoop the poop into. OMG, think quick. Window! Lets throw it out the window. All sounds legit. Hmm, except your aim is atrocious and instead of throwing it out the window you throw it between an internal and external layer of glass. There it is the turd staring at you from between the glass. WTF…noooooooo!!!!
This is the moment of truth. What are you going to do. Just leave and pray the guy will never notice or just be up front and tell him? OR…option three, try and retrieve it? OK, in hindsight option three was not the best move. I can only picture the guys face when she had to scream for help. Getting wedged inside the two layers of glass with your poo steaming away is one thing…having to explain yourself….50 shades of shame. Luckily the shit slinger of Shirehampton had a great sense of humour and though they had to call the fire brigade and endure further humiliation she did get the guy to snap photos of it all. Bless. A story to tell the grandkids.
OMG no Burger King , no. The fast food chain is offering free burgers to any ex employees who have been sacked. There is a catch. All you have to do is go onto you LinkedIn account and post this … “I got fired. I want a free Whopper. #WhopperSeverance.” WTF marketing department a) comfort food just adding to unemployment woes b) that is going to kill your LinkedIn profile. Good luck finding another job anytime soon. You will need those burgers. Surely Fake News?
You can’t fool me!!!
If you kinda walk funny like with stiff shoulders and fast knees, chances are you are a pot smoker. True story. Evidently marijuana users walk differently, not that there is anything wrong with that! But you kinda do. Hey don’t shoot the messenger, its coming from researchers at the University of South Australia. Still no cure for cancer.
PSST That should get parents paranoid
Hey Kim Jong Un, what’s up with popping those missiles over Japan? You know damn well the UN is going to send you a harshly worded letter… AGAIN. I suggest the world retaliates by dropping millions and millions of junk food parcels into Pyongyang. Imagine how pissed the North Koreans will be with Kim Jong Un when they realise they have been hangry all these years. Just keep dropping chocolate, gummy bears, Mars bars, cookies, Starbucks (luke warm of course)…goddam everything, the sugar rush alone is enough to cause an overthrow.
You have a brilliant start up idea. You get investors to fork out nearly $2 million. You launch in April. Within two months you have it rolled out to 11 major cities in China. What could possibly go wrong? Well, if you have a Chinese umbrella sharing rental business and it buckets down for days, don’t expect them returned anytime soon. Yep, after a fortnight 300,000 umbrellas were stolen. The big flaw in their E Umbrella idea…..they didn’t include a charge fee for failure to return the umbrellas. Back to the drawing board.
OK , I love a record breaking feat . So anyone want to see an Indian guy break the Guinness World Record by spinning a basketball on a toothbrush for 53 seconds ? Of course you do….it’s hilarious.
PSST Still no cure for cancer.
Attention loons, best job ever is being offered in Scotland. Hands up who wants to be a nanny? OK, there is just one catch, apart from having to look after friggin snowflakes, you have to contend with a ghost. Evidently the place is hell crazy…weird noises, furniture moving, things breaking (the usual paranormal stuff). So far 5 nannies have run for the hills. The family claim they have never experienced anything out of the ordinary. Hmm, so what are the odds they employed 5 lying, delusional child care workers? Sleep with one eye open nannies.