Hair of the Dog

A woman who brushed her two dogs in a local park was fined  £50 for littering. Oh yeah, welcome to England. The two council wardens waited until she was finished before swooping on her, taking photos , blocking her car and then handing her an on the spot fine.

Health and Safety Alert

Attention the good people of England, the police would like to inform you that it’s not wise to put wire mesh on your garden shed windows because a burglar might get injured and sue your sorry ass. Many locals in Kent and Surrey have been placing wire mesh over the windows for reinforcement after a spate of burglaries in which power tools, lawnmowers and bikes have been nicked. This has prompted police to warn them that if a crim gets hurt on the wire they could sue  for compo. Hmm, so maybe the locals should put a welcome mat outside the shed and leave the door open. Oh wait, the thief might trip over the mat and get hit by the door on the way out! Friggin Nanny State!

Mind The Gap

Did someone say health and safety? A Southeastern train driver, who discovered that his seat was damp, walked off the train, refusing to return, while hundreds of commuters were left to wait half an hour for another Southeastern service. Hello, no one likes a wet ass.

Want sauce with that?

No You Can’t Have Sex

OMG, a 41 year old man, only known as Alan, has been banned by a judge from having sex…forever, despite having been living with his boyfriend. Seems having an IQ of 48 and a “vigorous sex drive” is inappropriate. Sheez, even slugs are allowed to have sex and their IQ ain’t nothing to write home about.Anywho, the local council who supply him accommodation started the legal action against his relationship because they believed he didn’t understand what he was doing. A psychiatrist involved allegedly prevented Alan from having sex ed lessons because he believe it would just “confuse” him. In handing down the order the judge said “Alan does not have the capacity to consent to and engage in sexual relations.In such circumstances it is agreed that the present regime for Alan’s supervision and for the prevention of future sexual activity is in his best interests.”

Want sauce with that?

Porn Gone .Com

I guess it's Discovery channel then!

Nanny State are planning to block all internet porn. Yes, you heard me correctly ALL internet porn.  The only way people in the UK will be able to access porn will be via an opt in system (which no doubt will be monitored).Hmm, so what will the Pommes do for entertainment? Dear god,  they might have to go back to having real sex! Gord blimey. Let the censorship begin.

Friggin Mother-in-law Jokes

Oh dear, the Nanny State are at it again, this time mother-in law jokes are in the firing line. The London Borough of Barnet have banned staff from telling mother-in-law jokes because they are ‘offensively sexist’ and disrespectful to ‘family elders’. Hmm, yeah, so?

Lucky He Wasn’t A Terrorist

Wow, look at all those police cars!

Sheez, police in Britain are efficient. Tom Hardyment was returning to England from a trip to the US when he was marched off the plane at Heathrow by four policemen, thrown in a van and held in a cell for 6 hours before finally being released.Reason? He was involved in a  traffic dispute 7 months earlier. Mr Hardyment claims he was involved in a altercation with an Asian woman at a set of traffic lights several months back. She jumped out of a car and began screaming abuse (you know the usual road rage stuff). Anywho, one thing lead to another and before he knew it police had  contacted him over the “racist attack”.  When Mr Hardyment tried to speak to police about the incident they continued to canceled the meetings.  In the end he told the police  he was going on a trip and would speak to them on his return. He pretty much got his wish!

Psst Hmm, I wish British police are that efficient when I am getting mugged, stabbed or murdered!

Swimming Pools a Fire Risk

Putting out another pool fire mister?

Hello Health and Safety, banning paddling pools because they are a “fire risk” is taking the whole Nanny State thing a little too far don’t you think? While officials are banning the 4 kidddie pools at a block of flats because the housing association in Romford say it might get in the way of engines, firefighters are branding the whole thing ridiculous. Hmm, yeah because with their trucks, they’ll simply drive over the little friggin snowflakes if they get in the way.Kidding people. They say the water would come in handy if a fire broke out.

All Aboard The Nanny State Express

Oh my, isn’t the British criminal system heading for disaster. Tory minister Crispin Blunt has announced taxpayers should fund comedy workshops and party nights for prisoners and will overturn the ban on public funded fun times for inmates. Ooh and that isn’t the worst of it, he also plans to scrap harsh “indefinite” sentences for Britain’s worst crims which include rapists, pedophiles and murderers.He believes too many of these sentences were handed out under Labour, which ensured the worst criminals were kept behind bars for life (or until they were no longer a threat to the public).

Psst For some useless information Crispin is actress Emily Blunt’s uncle.

Pretty Please

Ah, yeah, sorry about that, we forgot to write please! How's next week?

Oh for goodness sakes Nanny State, British Hospitals aren’t the place to be practicing good manners, it’s all about saving lives! Worthing Hospital in England has introduced a new policy. No blood tests on weekends unless the doctor writes “please” on the form. The policy is aimed at reducing the work load of hospital technicians. Hmm, so it’s been handballed back to the doctors, sheez as if they haven’t got enough to worry about!