For goodness sakes, if you are going to try an elaborate prison break, act the part (and don’t throw your daughter under a bus). A Brazilian gang leader attempted an escape by dressing up as his daughter who was visiting him in prison. His daughter smuggled in a silicon mask, long-haired wig, skinny jeans and a pink tee. The daring plan nearly worked but unfortunately, the gang leader began acting nervous. Hmm, maybe those skinny jeans were too tight. Anywho, he was sprung and the daughter, who was left in his place, was arrested. Now Mr smarty-pants has been transferred to max-security prison and will probably be taunted for the rest of his life.
Oh, Felicity Huffman and Lori Loughlin how could you do it? I have long been eyebrowing the over the top political correctness coming out of Hollywood but this has restored my faith in humanity. Let’s face it, humans by nature are designed to hunt, kill, cheat, steal, lie and deceive to make it through life (some more than others). So whilst we all get hoity-toity about the white people of this world exploiting their privileged existence, I propose a solution. Why don’t they just build a beautiful White Privileged People University where all the wealthy elites can enroll their entitled snowflakes. Problem solved. The precious ones can enroll in courses and degrees such as Social Influencing, Selfies, Exploiting the Masses, Sex Tape Making and How to Spend the Inheritance. Forget the SAT score, if you haven’t got over 5000,000 followers you won’t get in. Your parent must have the funds to support you and your lifestyle without eating into your trust fund. You have to be privileged, none of those Lottery winners or insurance payout people, there has to be dignity… with the ability to social climb. How much better off would the world be if all the other Universities were free of them. We can only dream.
A Russian law student has had it with men manspreading on trains and has taken action into her own hands. Armed with a bottle of water mixed with bleach she is “spray crotching” offenders. Yes, you heard me, she is walking up and down aisles of trains and splashing any man who dares spread his legs to an unacceptable width in the crotch. The mixture is guaranteed to leave the area in question bleached. Manspread shaming has just been taken to a new level. So far no one has reported her because let’s face it, who is going to go to the police?
Oh, how I love a family fur fight being played out in the media. It’s only been a few days but Meghan Markle’s half-sister Samantha has poked the lion (again). Using her fav form of attack, Twitter, she has given an expose on the mother of the bride during the Royal wedding…..’She looked more like the hockey player in the penalty box.’ Ouch, burn. But our favourite 15 minuter hadn’t quite finished…’The Givenchy was beautiful but I would have put her in a hockey uniform.’ The half-sister is also pissed their family won’t be allowed to use Meghan’s coat of arms. She feels the Royals are no better than them…’You’ve got inbreeding, you’ve got substance abuse, you’ve got alcohol abuse, you’ve got infidelity.’ Oh bless, there goes any chance at a Christmas invite at Balmoral…just saying.
PSST Hands up who would love to see Samantha cop an invite and be seated next to Prince Phillip? Oh pleeeease!!!
2nd PSST Why hasn’t anyone signed the Dooley-Markles to a reality show yet?
Now that all the Royal Wedding fanfare is coming to a close I wonder if the Duchess of Sussex fully understands what she really got herself into? Sure the press will love her, especially if her blood relatives continue to provide headline grabbers, BUT they are fickle and can turn on her like a dime. She ain’t in Kansas anymore. Sure she is used to the press, but not the British Press, they are unrelenting.
She will only ever find herself going down the rung, especially if Kate decides to have a few more children. She will have to curtsey for the rest of her life to everyone above the rungs. That will include the Queen, Kate, Beatrice and Eugenie. This is where her acting skills will come in handy.
Any thoughts on having a political voice will be quickly quashed. The Royal Family pride themselves on being neutral. Silence is the best policy. The Royal Family might be England’s best tourist attraction but it is largely taxpayer-funded so scrutiny is dodged at all costs. So all her rah-rah about “social justice” and “charity work” will be downplayed.
If she thinks Prince William will speed up change…think again. Prince William has been carefully groomed for the role of King, he will not jeopardize this responsibility. Given that Charles has been waiting his whole life to be King, he won’t be stepping down from that role anytime soon when he is crowned. Charles is a stickler for tradition. So any thoughts that the young heirs will change the medieval/sexists traditions is purely a Royal spin. They have only ever been used by the Firm to shine a golden glow over the out of touch monarchs. It could be a good 20 years before Prince William takes the reign, and by then he will be middle-aged.
As for her freedom…bye-bye to that, she is now owned by the firm, no selfies, no autographs, no revealing dresses, no outings to the 7-Eleven without security and absolutely no stepping into the spotlight without permission. Reality is a bitch.
Here’s the thing loons, if you are standing in line at a bakery and overhear someone behind you say ‘let’s hope this fat bitch doesn’t buy all the cupcakes’. What do you do loons, what do you do? Well, you buy every goddam cupcake in the store, that is what. Well played.
Move over Superman, there is a new superhero in Australia. Faster than a speeding car, more powerful than a full strength, able to leap tall curbs in a single bound…it’s Demerit Man. Disguised as the mild mannered bogan of Tamworth, the dude wearing a VB beer carton on his head, covers the speed camera with a tea towel, saving the unsuspecting motorists from a certain fine. Well done Demerit Man. Thank you for using your amazing powers in a never ending battle for truth and justice.
I didn’t know this was even a thing? Ref taing his job way too seriously…
Despite popular belief that Kim Jong Un’s wife had been executed, the unluckiest woman in the world has been
dragged brought out into the public to attend a lavish banquet. It’s the first time Mrs Kim Jong Un has been seen in public since December. The banquet was in held in honour of the latest hydrogen bomb test. It is believed the missus was hidden away due to a pregnancy. Gossip surrounds the couple’s other two children with Kim Jong Un. Bets are they are girls as they have never been seen in public. Fingers crossed the latest is a boy or we might not be seeing her again.
Luckily this news reporter didn’t look what was crawling down her arm…