She Lives

Despite popular belief that Kim Jong Un’s wife had been executed, the  unluckiest woman in the world  has been dragged brought out into the public to attend a lavish banquet. It’s the first time Mrs Kim Jong Un has been seen in public since December.  The banquet was in held in honour of the latest hydrogen bomb test. It is believed the missus was hidden away due to a pregnancy. Gossip surrounds the couple’s  other two children with Kim Jong Un. Bets are they are girls as they have never been seen in public. Fingers crossed the latest is a boy or we might not be seeing her again.

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Filed under Well I Never, You Go Girl!

Shirehampton Shit Slinger

Its an epic tale of dating fail. Picture this. You are on your first Tinder date. You get invite back to the guy’s house. Everything  is going great until you have to go to the toilet. You realise it’s a number 2 coming. Fine, no worries. But the goddamn turd is a floater. It won’t flush. Quick, think? You haven’t got a handbag to scoop the poop into.  OMG, think quick. Window! Lets throw it out the window. All sounds legit. Hmm, except your aim is atrocious and instead of throwing it out the window you throw it between an internal and external layer of glass. There it is the turd staring at you from between the glass. WTF…noooooooo!!!!

This is the moment of truth. What are you going to do. Just leave and pray the guy will never notice or just be up front and tell him? OR…option three, try and retrieve it?  OK, in hindsight option three was not the best move. I can only picture the guys face when she had to scream for help. Getting wedged inside the two layers of glass with your poo steaming away is one thing…having to explain yourself….50 shades of shame. Luckily the shit slinger of Shirehampton had a great sense of humour and though they had to call the fire brigade and endure further humiliation she did get the guy to snap photos of it all. Bless. A story to tell the grandkids.

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Filed under Friggin Gross, Friggin Hilarious

You Have To Be Kidding

Evidently goat yoga is a thing. The Possum Valley Animal Sanctuary are offering  Goat Yoga sessions.  Yep and they have been so popular they have had to add more.  Hmmm, I wonder if kids are allowed…get it ki…oh nevermind.

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For The Kim Jong Un in All of Us

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Filed under All That Is Wrong With The World

Shopping Begone

A guy has invented a material that can grow at the same time as a child. Yep, it’s true. Saving parents thousands on clothing. The clothes can fit a 3yr old to a 6 yr old. No more kids growing out of their clothes. The material is engineered to grow up to 6 sizes. Now all you have to do is convince your snowflake to wear this for 3 years.

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Loon The Prepper

Sorry about the lack of posts yesterday, the Loon is digging a bunker. Yes, I have decided to become a prepper.  It is all Kim Jong Un’s fault. I have no faith in his missile capabilities. That is, I suspect its good luck rather than good management that his missiles haven’t kaboomed another country yet. So I am going it alone. Move over Tiny Houses, hello Tiny Kaboom Shelter.

Being a prepper isn’t easy. So many extension cords. So little in canned food cuisine. I have been watching the film  Martian over and over again for inspiration …basically to see if I can devise a way to re-purpose the kitty litter. Maybe grow potatoes?

I have also been spending up big on all the infomercials… got myself the Rocky Mountain Tumbler, Olde Brooklyn lantern, Eurobed, Air Dragon Pump and VIP Poo spray.

I’m pretty much all set for nuclear annihilation.

 

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Filed under All That Is Wrong With The World, They Live Among Us !

Say What?

OMG no Burger King , no. The fast food chain is offering free burgers to any ex employees who have been sacked. There is a catch. All you have to do is go onto you LinkedIn account and post this … “I got fired. I want a free Whopper. #WhopperSeverance.” WTF marketing department a) comfort food just adding to unemployment woes b) that is going to kill your LinkedIn profile. Good luck finding another job anytime soon. You will need those burgers. Surely Fake News?

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