Look. Up In The Sky. Is It A Turd?

You know what I hate? When it rains poo. You know what I really hate? When it rains poo while you have your sunroof open! Apparently, liquid sh#t fell from the sky over a town in British Columbia and straight onto a mother and son who were stopped at traffic lights. It took them a few seconds for the smell to hit them but then….grrrrr.  They believe the liquid poo that covered them and their car was from an airplane. Random people’s sh#t.

Airline Failure

You have a uber time in Hawaii, you get on plane, find your seat and get ready to make yourself comfortable when you reach for the blanket in the seat back pocket and then ….. oh …ewh… WTF? A couple on a United Airlines flight were more than just horrified when they discovered that a sick bag full of vomit had been wrapped in a blanket and put in their seat pocket. When they handed it to the flight attendant the vomit spilled on them. Despite being offered different seats they spent the entire flight smelling of someone else’s upchuck.  Oh dear lord, I think I would want to pass on the inflight meal. The airline apologised on behalf of the lazy bastards who failed to clean the plane prior to take-off.

Look. Up in the Sky. It’s …. Run

Two families in Ontario suspect passing airplanes have been dropping crap on their properties and by crap I mean poop. The families say that their cars and driveways where splattered with petrid smelling feces which could have only come from above….. from either a plane or a “pterodactyl”. Airport authorities say samples have been analysed and it definitely ain’t their shit.

Man Slaps Toddler On Plane

ouch!

I know screaming kids on  planes are worse than snakes but mister there is no need to tell the mother of a toddler to  “shut that ni**er baby up,” and then slap the kid. Just saying. Evidently the 19 month old let rip (which on occasions I have been known to do – ears, my goddam ears) as the plane began its decent to Atlanta. The man seated next to the mother began getting agitated by the crying ,flew into a racist rant and then leaned across and slapped him with an open hand. Yep, that’s an assault charge right there. Hmm and here I thought they stopped allowing nuts on planes.

Psst Lucky the toddler wasn’t kicking the back of his chair or it might have been a blood bath.

Jets Scrambled For Sex Romp in Airplane Toilet

Umm, about that air emergency over Detroit, seems a couple were bonking in the toilets. As you were F-16 fighter jets, as you were. The pilot wasn’t taking any chances when crew notified him that three passengers were going back and forth to the toilet. Two fighter jets were scrambled and the plane was escorted to Detroit Airport.  When the plane landed the couple were still in the toilet.

Psst 9/11…really????

 

You Might Want Better Aim?

Oh look, they're waving at us?

Hmm, I’m not sure if this is a good thing or a bad thing. South Korean marine Corps troops opened fire for 10 minutes on a suspicious aircraft flying near the border they share with North Korea thinking it was one of those communist bastard jet fighters belonging to Kim Jong Il. Turns out it was a South Korean commercial aircraft with 119 people on board. The worrying thing is they fired at the aircraft for 10 minutes and still managed to miss it.

Nearly Dropped a Load!

OMG, when white dust suddenly appeared in an Alaska Airline flight  lavatory  everybody panicked.  Hello, anthrax or a bomb people because every terrorist thinks “Alaska’ when plotting to kaboom something.  Enter fire department and hazardous materials experts who determined the substance was in fact…wait for it…toilet paper. Sheez, I bet all 151 passengers who were delayed were relieved!

Want sauce with that?

Grisly Find On Airplane Wheels

Ewh ah, maintenance crews in Riyadh got an unpleasant surprise when they found remains of a body on the rear tires (tyres) of an Saudi Arabia airplane. Sheez, pity the fool who gets to scrape him off. The plane in question took off from Beirut where several passengers claimed they saw a man with a backpack running on the tarmac before it took off. Hmm, I guess that explains the bumpy take-off then?

Feet Up Everyone

OK, no need to panic but can you lift your feet nice and slow!

Hands up, who brought the friggin croc onboard? A baby crocodile has scared the living  crap out of passengers on an EgyptAir flight from Abu Dhabi to Cairo when it suddenly appeared out of nowhere mid flight. The cocky little reptile leisurely strolled down the aisle while hysterical passengers promptly lifted their feet up and screamed. He was eventually cornered and captured by crew members. He is now holidaying at the Giza Zoo.

Psst Of course no one on the flight has admitted to bringing the creature onboard. Hmm,I wonder whose pant leg he had been strapped to? Check for scratches!

Move Over Meteorite Boy, We Have a Winner

David Gammon, 76, was minding his own business and enjoying a nice sit down outside when a friggin 2kg chunk of ice hit him.The grapefruit size projectile, which had fallen from a plane, just missed his noggin but smashed into his lap, leaving a nasty bruise (I hope he put the ice on it!). Mr Gammon said “The first I knew was a huge whistling sound,” before it went flew past his head and “came over my shoulder and landed in my lap with an almighty thud.” Ironically Mr Gammon spent all night with an ice pack on his thigh until he could get to the docs.