Tag Archives: Auckland

Holy Olive Oil

priest 2If there ever was a law suit waiting to happen.An Auckland evangelical church is offering a cure all oil to its followers. The church claims the magical oil can cure schizoprenia, tumours, strokes and marriage problems (to name a few). What is the magic potion you ask? Hmm, it is none other than olive oil… but wait… the oil has been blessed at the sites of biblical miracles in Israel which makes it special.In their newslatter they say “The Holy Oil was chosen by God as an instrument of faith to heal the sick …If you have faith and use the oil in the name of the Lord Jesus Christ, God will bless you,” Good luck with that.

Psst Do you cook with it or rub it on? Confused.

Want sauce with that?

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Filed under Well I Never

Mythical Swamp Monster

Boo!

Holy crap, I had no friggin idea there was a swamp monster called Taniwha living under Auckland. Well, evidently there is and it ain’t very happy that authorities are planning to sink a billion dollar railway tunnel right through it’s hiding place. Egads, remember when the Japanese pissed off Godzilla?  The representative for the creature, Mr Glenn Wilcox  (a member of the Maori Statutory board), is complaining that no one consulted or took into account the monster’s feelings when making plans for the underground railway, which is friggin inconsiderate considering it “was here first”. Anywho, the local Maori board are now pleased that  the “correct consultation” has finally taken place and the monster is no longer angry. Of course it helped that they  invoiced thousands of dollars for public relations advice relating to the swamp monster to the council. Yep, seems money talks when negotiating with mythical Maori monsters.

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Filed under I'm Just Saying !, Join the skeptic club!, Well I Never

Friggin Fleas!

You think your job is bad, spare a thought for casino workers in Auckland, New Zealand. They have been forced to wear flea collars around their ankles, thanks to a friggin flea infestation. Despite the casino being cleaned everyday the fleas have pretty much called SkyCity Casino home for several years now. Management say they unaware of any complaints about insect bites.

Psst It could be worse, they could suffer from nervous ticks!!!!

Want sauce with that?

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Filed under All That Is Wrong With The World, Friggin Gross, Friggin Wildlife, Well I Never

I Wouldn’t Use Those Toilets!

It makes you wonder just how many people were spitting at the Auckland International Airport for someone to go to this much  trouble AND  in three different languages!

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Filed under All That Is Wrong With The World, Friggin Gross, Well I Never

Trial Aborted Because of Aroused Juror

OK, here’s the thing sexually aroused juror, don’t be wearing no condom to court or the friggin trial will be aborted. Oh dear, it is alleged an elderly man who was on the jury of a sexual abuse trial in Auckland has admitted he became sexually aroused listening to the victim’s evidence. In an attempt to cope he told another member of the jury he wore a condom in the courtroom. When the judge got wind of this she aborted the case. Seriously creepy!

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Filed under All That Is Wrong With The World, Friggin Gross, Friggin Wrong, Well I Never

They Should Get a Licking!

Oh for crying out loud, the police in New Zealand are looking for five people believed to be teenage girls, who held up a Auckland take-away store with a gun, knife and hammer. They got away with between 50-70 ice creams. Yep, after failing to get the till open, the group then focused their attentions on a freezer full of ice-creams. Geez, I hope they get an acne breakout!

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Filed under All That Is Wrong With The World, Friggin Dumbass, Friggin Hilarious, They Live Among Us !, Well I Never

Satanic Slice of Fruit

Boo!

OMG, Wendy McMahon got the fright of her life when she opened a can of budget pears and found a demonic face carved into one of the slices. Shocked by the scary face, she rang the 0800 number on the can in hope of getting some answers but all she got was grief, oh and a $30 voucher. The pear was eventually sent to the Auckland so the manufacturer, Heinz-Watties, could investigate. That was last she heard of the satanic slice of fruit.

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Filed under All That Is Wrong With The World, Friggin Scary, I'm Just Saying !, Well I Never, Whoops!

Fore!

A Chinese golfer playing at the Howick Golf course in Auckland has been found at the bottom of a 100ft cliff. It is believed he fell while looking for his ball. The man was discovered  by a groundsman who had noticed his golf cart hadn’t moved for 15 minutes. He is in currently in hospital in a serious condition.

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Filed under All That Is Wrong With The World, I'm Just Saying !, That's Gotta Hurt, Whoops!

It’s The Second Place You Look!

Seems like the Aussie’s are having a bit of fun with Kiwi cops of late. Another Aussie goes AWOL, this time turning a wedding reception into a four hour search.  The culprit,  a drunken Aussie bridesmaid who wandered off  at the reception in search of her  accommodation in a rural area near Auckland. Even  a helicopter and a sniffer dog  failed to find her tucked up fast asleep in the bush 15m from the road. The paramedic who found her said she only had a few scratches and bruises, oh and a massive hangover.  It is believed the  bridesmaid  had wandered around pretty much aimlessly and pissed for a few hours until she collapsed found a comfy place to sleep it off. Aussies 2, Kiwis 0.

Psst At least she wasn’t at the bar with the Tasmanian!

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Filed under All That Is Wrong With The World, Friggin Hilarious, I'm Just Saying !, Well I Never

Honey, Don’t Play With the Dead….WTF

Children discover dead crocodile was really a woman's bodyHmm, there’s years of therapy right there! A group of children in Auckland, New Zealand, spent 11 days playing with a crocodile corpse before realizing it was actual a dead woman! The group of kids had been prodding, poking and throwing sticks at the skeleton which was floating in a nearby creek behind a popular leisure centre. The corpse still had a a little bit of fabric and hair attached but the children thought it was either a dead croc or a log.Eventually one of the kids told his parents. What a shock they were in for! Police believe the body maybe that of  Alanah Brough who went missing 6 months ago.

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Filed under Friggin Gross, Friggin Wildlife, Whoops!