Yes, We Know It’s Cute BUT ……..

One more time people, when at a wildlife sanctuary or zoo, please don’t put your arm into the cage of a 400lb black bear to give it a pet, no matter how scrumptiously cute he looks …just saying. I’m guessing the woman won’t be using her right arm for a long while…. as the Loon slaps the forehead with a palm.

Chantelle, The Bear’s Here

Holy crap, that ain’t Goldilocks….that’s Chantelle and she’s gonna give him a friggin earful. Guess who’s not going to be sitting on her chair?

Psst Note cowardly hubby, who knows that poor bear is gonna get it good.

Wanna See Where The Bear Bit Me?

OK, here’s the thing loons, when confronted by a pissed off 300lb mamma bear in the wee hours, drop and roll, because the worst thing that it could do is bite you on your butt! Poor Terri Gurley can attest to that. She was dropping some doggy doo into a trash compactor, which unbeknown to her, was also the black bear’s kitchen,when the two came face to face. As Gurley slowly retreated backwards, she tripped. Terrified, she rolled on her stomach and that’s when mamma bear bit her in the butt, real hard. Her scream pretty much woke the entire neighborhood resulting in several people coming to her rescue. She now has four puncture wounds for her troubles.

There’s A Bear In There

You might want to tip toe around the town of Vesper in Wisconsin for a few months. They have a black bear hibernating in a  drain tunnel and he doesn’t like to be disturbed. Shhhh, thanks.

A Bear Walks Into A Store

I ordered it with anchovies!

Did you hear about the black bear that walked into Fat Tony’s pizza parlor in British Columbia? He grabbed a beef and blue cheese pizza from the counter and left without paying!

There’s A Bear In There

My bad?

OK, here’s the thing people of Larkspur, don’t leave no uneaten peanut butter and jelly sandwich inside an unlocked car or a big friggin black bear will get inside, kick the gear into neutral and take it on a joyride down a friggin hill. Oh yes, it will! Oh and for 45 minutes it will honk on the horn , rip the shit out of the interior and deploy the airbags while it waits impatiently to be rescued. Bears are just like that!

Psst Love to see that insurance claim!

Bear With A Sore Head

How embarrassing!

Oh dear what a silly billy. Forrest Hammond a biologist for the Vermont Fish & Wildlife Department stumbled across a black bear with his head stuck in an old milk can. The poor creature was pretty much exhausted after having spent at least 6 hours bouncing into trees and and boulders trying to remove the friggin thing. Fortunately our hero Hammond had three vials of Telazol (tranquilizer) in his truck and sent the youngin into a deep sleep while he figured out how to get the can off. Despite several attempts at pulling and tugging it off his head, including rubbing on liquid soap, it refused to budge. By this stage several firemen had arrived on the scene and they used bolt cutters to remove the rim off the can. Viola, one black bear with a story to tell it’s grandcubs.

Bubba The Black Bear

My bad?

OK, the big friggin exploding supernova probably isn’t gonna get ya anymore , but the big friggin bullet scarred black bear just might. That’s if you live anywhere near Incline Village on the shores of Lake Tahoe. The 700lb beast, known as Bubba, has dodged bullets, bear traps and even hunting dogs in the quest to get his mits on some man food.It is estimated the bear, which is twice the size of an average black bear, has broken into about 50 homes and caused tens of thousands worth of damage on it’s quest for food. Oh and don’t be fooled, the bear knows a thing or two about traps especially where they are hidden.
Even mortified wildlife officials say he “shakes off bullets like they were mosquito bites”. One home owner who took a pot shot at him as he rummaged through his house said one of the bullets just bounced off his head. He has even learned the art of smashing panels off garage doors, lifting sliding glass doors of their tracks and opening up refrigerators. Some residents say Bubba is so smart he knows the friggin garbage pick up days (which is when the bins are the most plentiful). Pissed off locals also believe the reason he is so big is because he binges all year round on their friggin food.

Psst Oh and just so you know if Bubba has come a calling, he usually leaves a nice smelly turd calling card “the size of a basketball”.

I Was Here First!

Gee, that Bob has a temper on him!

What is a 4ft (1.3ft) black bear doing catching a bus anyways? Nine people are wondering that very question after they were attacked by a not so friendly commuter. The victims were at a bus station in Takayama, Japan, minding their own business when the bear became a little threatened and began to attack. Many suffered facial bite marks before the animal fled into the terminal building and hid in a souvenir shop. He was later shot by hunters.No word on where the bear was heading!

Is That A Pastrami on Rye?

Do I smell Hoagie?

Nothing worse than being mugged by a big black bear for your sandwich, is there Henry? Henry Rouwendeal was outside his Sussex home packing his car when a bear got a whiff of his sandwich. Before he knew it the 400lb beast had knocked him down and nicked off with his lunch. Despite Henry punching and kicking the bear he still took off with his Italian hoagie in hand. It obviously smelled better than it tasted because police found the discarded wrapper and remains of the sandwich (probably the crusts) not far away. Geez Henry, lucky you didn’t have chocolate and champagne or you would have been dead!