Britain to Exit European Union

The people have spoken and it is ciao, auf Wiedersehen, au revoir, bon voyage, see ya don’t want to be ya.

Knit One , Poo One

A British granny , who went to the loo at a shopping centre , didn’t realise they weren’t in operation and got locked in for four days. Luckily for the 82 year old  she had just bought a ball of wool so she spent her time knitting a scarf for her granddaughter. She also had a nice supply of  imperial mints to keep her spirits up. When shocked  workmen  eventually found her she was merrily knitting away. She did confess that the hand dryer came in handy at night to keep her warm.

Ram Raid Fail

OMG guys, seriously?  You had a friggin car, two lorries and a forklift truck, and you still couldn’t manage to get the ATM. Get a real job.

The Perfect Weather For Crime

British researchers have analysed 6.6 million police records from last decade and concluded that the perfect temperature for criminal activity is 64F (18C). Seems there is pretty much zip during a heatwave because offenders are worn out by the oppressive temperatures. And I am guessing oppressive temps in Britain would be 19C. Still no cure for cancer.

Top 10 Funeral Songs

Ever wondered what are the current top 10 songs played a British funerals? Well, wonder no more. The number one song has finally been bumped off by Monty Python’s “Always Look on the Bright Side of Life”. See ya Frank Sinatra and your “My Way” song, what’s is it like lingering at number 5 now?

Without further ado , here is the list

1. Always Look on the Bright Side of Life (Monty Python)
2. The Lord is My Shepherd”
3. Abide With Me”
4. Match of the Day
5. My Way (Frank Sinatra)
6. All Things Bright and Beautiful
7. Angels (Robbie Williams)
8. Enigma Variations (Nimrod)  (Elgar)
9. You’ll Never Walk Alone (Gerry and the Pacemakers)
10. Cricket Theme/Soul Limbo (Booker T. & the MG’s)

Calling Jamie Oliver, Jamie Oliver to the Front Desk

Oh dear, a new report has revealed that 26,000 British kids between 5 and 9 have been admitted to hospital in the past year for…. wait for it …rotten teeth. That is like 500 per week. Thanks fruit juice and fizzy drinks!

Haunted Doll

BOO!!

Oh for crying out loud, you don’t go and put a haunted doll on eBay UK. What the hell will happen if it finds out? From the numerous horror stories I’ve seen, that doll is gonna haunt you for eternity no matter what you do to rid yourself of its evil. Sorry sunshine. The owner, who claims the damn thing is possessed, has numerous scratches and one very tired eye from his encounters with the evil little thing. The starting price on eBay was 5 pounds but some fool has purchased it for 200. Never you mind that doll won’t be gone for long…. just saying.

What The Hell Is On My Banana?

You know what I hate? When you are about to chomp into a banana then realise the funny white spots on it are actually dozens of venomous Brazilian wandering spiders hatching in front of your eyes. I really friggin hate that. So does the woman from Britain who nearly ended up dead. According to the Guinness World Records they are the most toxic Arachnid in the world. Unaware that her house was now a nest for the Brazilian creatures, she returned the bananas to Sainsbury supermarket. It was only after she sent a photo to the pest control man did she discover what was now “wandering” around her house. Exit stage left with hubby and kids. Despite the house being thoroughly fumigated she continies to sleep with one eye open.

How would you like Rudolph, medium or well done?

Rudolph roasting on an open fire ….

Holy Blitzen, Santa. It’s that time of the year when reindeer meat is the must have for the dinner table. Seems the Brits don’t have a problem chewing reindeer during the Christmas season. Of the 600 stores selling slabs of Ruldoph most have already sold out. Needless to say PETA are having a fit.

Fergie’s Back

What shall I possibly wear?

The British rumor mill is alive with whispers Fergie and Prince Andrew are getting married again. Sheez, no wonder the Queen is doing a backflip.The couple have been divorced for some 17 years but have kinda still been living under the same roof ever since Fergie blew her dough. Royal fasionistas are cringing as we speak.