Vets Go To Heaven

A bit shout out to the vets who have volunteered their time and expertise saving helpless animals caught up in the deadly California fires. So many animals were abandoned as people fled the fast-moving flames.

It’s On

If you happen to be hiking in California you might want to take extra care….it’s tarantula mating season people. Feet up!!! Yep, the hairy, scary arachnids are randy and looking for love. In typical female fashion the lady tarantulas stay at home and weave an enticing web while the boys have to trek across hill and dale to find a willing partner. Unfortunately for the desperate fellas, if they dawdle too long after sex they are more likely than not to be killed and eaten by the ungrateful bitch female. Who would want to be a spider?

You Can Run But You Can’t Hide

A California woman who killed a man in a hit and run tried to dodge arrest by a) wearing coloured contact lenses b) dying her hair pink c) getting a temporary dragon face tattoo or d) all of the mentioned. If you picked d)  take a bow. Naw bless, she didn’t count on an anonymous tip to her whereabouts. Hmm, she might want to do some defriending, just saying.

PSST I hope the tattoo comes off easily.

When The Fog Rolls In

Sometimes the silliest ideas are the coolest. A California distillery has gathered fog from around San Francisco and …wait for it… used it to create a special vodka. Introducing Fog Point, vodka made from fresh water extracted from fog. Yep, the distillery has fog catchers located in Sutro Tower, Berkeley Hills, Outer Sunset and El Sobrante. The water is extracted and blended with vodka which has been distilled from premium wine. The Hangar One distillery has produced 2,500 bottles of Fog Point which are selling for $125 each.

We Are Not Alone

Holy Hades, get that thing away from me. Lookie what some unfortunate sucker found in their back yard in California. Devil spawn or a very unattractive alien you be the judge.

Step Away From The Tap And Start Talking In A Squeaky Voice

Oh dear lord, toxic water. Thanks farmers and the goddam drought. Seems all the sucking up of ground water has increased the levels of arsenic in some areas of California. One woman who bathed her 4 year son in tap water said he has developed arsenic related bumps on his head. Oh and for those not worried about being poisoned, Helium-3 is also leaking from the earth in Southern California. Inconvenient truth.

Revenge Is Sweet

A Californian school girl claims she handed out semen and pubic hair laced cupcakes to bullies at school.  The bullies had an unfortunate wait until police tested the cakes to confirm she had lied.  Suck it up bullies.

Oarfish Spell Doom

OK, no need to panic good people of California but you might want to grab some hard hats and stock your pantry. Seems those darn oarfish are beaching themselves in Southern California and you know what that means …..earthquake!!!! Yep, same thing happened in Japan shortly before that big shaker caused the uber tsunami that sent the Fukushima nuclear plant into meltdown … just saying. Sleep with one eye open.

Nurse Refuses To Perform CPR

An elderly woman died after a nurse at an aged care facility in California refused to perform CPR on an elderly patient despite a frantic 911 dispatcher pleading with her. Reason? Against the facility’s policy. She wouldn’t even pass the phone to someone willing to do it. Hmm, I wonder if it was a fellow nurse or staff member who had collapsed would she have been so callous? OK, I understand that some people sign a “do not resusitate” document when they enter such facilities but then why ring 911?   They obviously thought she could be saved. And anywho, even if the woman hadn’t have survived CPR  as a nurse you would think she would have at least TRIED. Humanity has gone to hell in a handbag.

Run, It’s About To Blow

A street in California was evacuated after a suspicious object was found in a resident’s mailbox. The bomb squad were called in and tehnicians spent 2 hours examining it before they concluded it was a breast pump. As you were.