I woke to the news that the serial killer and rapist, known as the Night Stalker/Golden Gate Killer, has been caught. Women in California can close their other eye now. The serial killer stalked, killed and/ or raped his victims from 1978 to the late 1980s. It turns out the torch carrying, micropenis, knot making torturer was an ex-cop, who still lives in Sacremento. He is allegedly responsible for 12 murders and 45 rapes. Along with the Zodiac Killer, the Golden Gate killer had been one of the most baffling unsolved crimes in American history. Despite having DNA Joseph James DeAngelo, 72 had miraculously gone under the radar until now. The arrest follows the release of a book I’ll Be Gone In The Dark by the late writer Michelle McNamara (actor-comedian Patton Oswalt completed the book following his wife’s unexpected death).
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OK, one more time loons, if you are going to try and sneak into the carpool lane put some effort into your fake passenger for goodness sakes. A 61 year old woman got busted after a cop couldn’t help but notice her poorly constructed occupant. A pillow in a jacket and cap just doesn’t cut it, even of you put a briefcase on its lap. Oh and make sure your car is registered…sheez, bummer.
It was a simple plan. Camouflage yourself and your sled in winter white and drag your 200lb of illegal Xanax through the snow and across the Canadian border into Vermont. The French Canadian nearly pulled off the smuggle but he made one fatal mistake. He followed the railway line and tripped the sensors. Now he will be spending a few years behind bars and a whopping fine. Hmm, might need a Xanax or two now.
Dude, faking your own death to avoid prison only works if you don’t get caught faking a prescription. Man, you were so friggin close to starting a new life in Australia, having obtaining a birth certificate from a dead child and holding out in Canada but you just had to stuff up. Travis Scott was going to the slammer for defrauding an insurance company for $11.5 million but before sentencing he faked his suicide by grinding up some of his teeth, removing pints of his own blood and pulling out clumps of his hair. He then gathered his bits , put them in a cap and then blasted them with a shotgun before leaving the cap in a canoe on a lake. The police were skeptical especially as the suicide note said he had weighed himself down in case he didn’t die from the blast. Dumbass. All his efforts has resulted in 12 years of wearing orange.
The London Fire Brigade have asked the public to take extra care when using appliances after they were called to assist a man who got his penis caught in a toaster. No word on whether it was on at the time. Anywho the firefighters say QUIT IT!!! Seems ever since the release of Fifty Shades the British fire firefighters have been extra busy removing people from compromising positions.
When you see blood flowing fom their SUV, that’s how. OK, here’s the thing deer poachers, if you illegally shoot a deer and then stab it to death in your vehicle when it suddenly comes back to life, you might want to clean up the mess before heading home. The clowns were caught when motorist began ringing the cops reporting that a SUV was dripping blood all over the highway.
Attention drug smugglers, hair extensions and wigs maybe the new cocaine smuggling tool of choice but seriously, you have got to get those bulges sorted. Just ask the two women caught at New York Airport with over 35 ounces each concealed on their scalps under their dos. It was their unsightly bulges that gave them away.
At ease everyone the “Reese’s Peanut Butter Cup” bandit has finally been caught. The elusive sweet tooth had been raiding convenience stores around Ohio for the past 6 months grabbing an estimated $600 worth of Reese’s Peanut Butter Cup candies. The 17 year old thief, who was nabbed by police, has been handed over to juvenile authorities but I think he should be handed over to Hersey for some promotional work.
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