Jack The Ripper Was A Hairdresser

Seems the century old mystery that has fascinated the world has finally been solved, thanks to a bloodied and semen covered shawl  found near the body of  one of his victims, Catherine Eddowes. The shawl was purchased at an auction in 2007  and then sent to a molecular biologist who tested all the DNA found on the garment.  The semen , it seems, belonged to a mad as a meat axe Polish Jew immigrant hairdresser named Aaron Kominski. He was thrown into a loony bin in 1891 three years after the killing spree.

But hang on Sherlocks, the Ripperologists aren’t convinced of the findings because a) the shawl had been handled by Eddowes’ relis prior to the auction, which could explain the DNA. b) Catherine Eddowes was a prostitute so the semen could easily have belonged to Kominski who frequented the ladies of the night c) the shawl has been handled by so many people over the years there could be hundred if not thousands of DNA samples on it. d) it was never proven the shawl belonged to Catherine anywho as it wasn’t on the police list of items found at the scene. e)the findings haven’t been reviewed or confirmed by the scientific community.

Oh dear, back to the drawing boards people, nothing to see here.

Want Sauce With That?

 

Turn The Other Cheek

Ooh la la. A French thief who planted a kiss on the cheek of his victim has been caught thanks to his slobber. Yep, DNA is a bitch. Pierre and his sidekick followed an employee of a jewelry store home, tied her up, gagged her and poured petrol over her head until she revealed the codes to the stores alarm system and safes. One of the dudes then went and robbed the store while the other one watched over the terrified woman. When the job was completed Pierre untied the woman and gave her a kiss on the cheek.  Poor Pierre. His DNA was registered on the national genetic database.

Flushed out

A burglar from Oklahoma City, who had a bad habit of not flushing, has been busted after used toilet paper and a floater  which were found at the crime scene were matched to his DNA. Ewh. Pity the fool, who had to scoop the poop.

An Innocent Man

A big shout out to Andre Davis from Chicago who has spent the last 32 years behind bars for the rape and murder of a three year old girl he DID NOT commit. Thank goodness for DNA. Davis went in as a teen and has finally been released a middle aged man.  😦

British Spy In Locked Sports Bag Was Murdered

Remember the British spy who was found decomposing in a locked sports bag in a bathtub? Well, the coroner has announced after nearly two years Gareth Williams was likely killed in a criminal act. Hmm, no shit Sherlock, I could have told you that! Evidently, they will now be DNAing 50 intelligence agency colleagues to try and match DNA samples they found in his apartment.

Woolly Mammoth To Be Cloned

US considering it as a cost cut measure against the Taliban

Color me friggin mad, but Russian and Japanese scientists are working on returning the Woolly mammoth to life thanks to DNA found in ancient bone marrow. Hello, has anyone watched the end of Jurassic Park?  The scientists are planning to transplant crap from the bone marrow cells into elephant egg cells to create an embryo which will then be placed in the poor friggin elephant’s womb. Seriously, do we need another 13ft, 9 ton beast roaming the earth?

Psst Still no cure for cancer!

No Shit Sherlock

Attention all crooks in Sweden, if you plan to commit a crime, make sure you don’t leave a friggin pile of poop at the scene for the police to later DNA and link to you. Two robbers, who broke into a farm, tied up the owner and made off with money and a car now regret having taken a crap before setting the car alight. Tsk, tsk, I hope they wiped their bums!