Tag Archives: Edinburgh

Another Useless Emergency Call

Useless 999 callA rather peeved Scottish man rang 999 (911 equivilent) claiming that the staff at an Edinburgh McDonalds store had ignored him, so he had jumped into his car , driven to the drive-thru window and proceeded to hold up the queue. Needless to say the dispatcher asked him for a McFeast and fries. OK, no she didn’t.

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Filed under All That Is Wrong With The World

Scotland’s Best And Worst Joke

Want to know what was voted the funniest joke at the Edinburgh Fringe festival? Sure you do and here it is….

‘I needed a password eight characters long, so I picked Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs.’

Standby here’s the one voted the worst ……

‘I said to a fella, “Is there a B&Q in Henley?” He said, “No, there’s an H, an E, an N, an L and a Y”.’

Oh and the one I just couldn’t work out whether it was funny or sick …..

‘My friend died doing what he loved … heroin.’

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Filed under Friggin Hilarious

Anything But The Louis Vuitton

Anything but my Vuitton!

Honey, sweetie, darl, it may be a Louis Vuitton bag, but if it means getting dragged behind a car , I think you need to let it go! A Scottish woman was walking down a street in Edinburgh when a group of men in a car called her over. As she got there one of them grabbed her purse and the car sped off. Hmm, it’s a friggin Louis, she wasn’t about to be letting go and held on with grim death as she got dragged behind the car clutching the purse. When the culprit realized she wasn’t going to give it up he let go. Hey, what’s a bit of skin off the knees, a sore arm and a trip to the hospital when it come to protecting your designer accessories.

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Filed under Friggin Awesome, That's Gotta Hurt, You Go Girl!

Scales Of Justice

Dude!

Oh my, how gross.  James Jones of Edinburgh apparently did not weigh his penis on a fruit and veg scale at a Scotmid store. Shop assistant Melanie Gugliemino claimed she saw Mr Jones and his mate at the scales with what looked like his penis exposed. When she confronted them, Mr Jones told her  “We are just having our privates weighed”. Agnes Fagan, the store manager who was watching the CCTV footage at the time also believed they had put their penises on the scale. Unfortunately the footage, when viewed in court, was inconclusive as there was no clear shot of their privates. Court therefore found him not guilty of public indecency. Hmm, guess we will never know how much it weighed!

Psst Remind me never to use scales ever again!

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Filed under Denial, Friggin Gross, I'm Just Saying !, They Live Among Us !, Well I Never

Queen Victoria’s Silks Up For Auction

Not amused!

The Auld Bitch’s silk stockings are about to go under the hammer at Lyon & Turnbull in Edinburgh. Yes, anyone interested in Queen Victoria’s black and white hand stitched silks (with crest) dated around the 1870’s? Hmm, a few years back her big old bloomers went for £4,500.

Psst I hope Queen Elizabeth requests her under garments be destroyed after her death, imagine them popping up in auction a hundred years from now!

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Filed under Friggin Awesome, Friggin Hilarious

Two Left Feet

When 76 year old Patrick Morrison began leaning to one side after being fitted with a new prosthetic foot, he just thought it was simply a “breaking in” process. It wasn’t until 5 months later when his wife removed the sock did they realize he had been given another left foot. Mr Morrison from Bathgate, West Lothian, had been to two separate check ups at the Smart disability centre at Edinburgh’s Astley Ainslie Hospital without anyone noticing he had two left feet. Hmm, nor did anyone  notice he had been given a size 8 instead of a size 9. The prosthetist in question, Malcolm Griffiths, has been given the boot (pun intended) and struck off the registry.

Psst Wouldn’t it have been hard to put his shoes on?

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Filed under All That Is Wrong With The World, Friggin Wrong, How Embarrassing, I'm Just Saying !, Whoops!

Funniest Joke At Edinburgh Festival Fringe

Funniest joke at the Edinburgh Festival FringeOK Loons, wanna know what was voted the funniest joke at this year’s Edinburgh Festival Fringe? Are you sure? Really? Are you ready? OK, here it is…..”Hedgehogs. Why can’t they just share the hedge?”. OK, I shall pause for a few secs to give you a chance to let out a hearty laugh! Finished? Good. OK, wanna know what was voted the worst?  Of course you do…A brunette, a red-head and a blonde break out of Holloway Prison and decide to hide in a sacks they find in a barn.The police come in and feel the sack with the brunette in it and she goes ‘miaow’! They then feel the sack with the red-head in it and she goes ‘woof!’ Finally they feel the sack with the blonde and she shouts’potatoes’!

Psst Glad there were no Lockerbie gags this year!!!! Come on Loons you can surely do better!

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Filed under Friggin Hilarious