What Do You Do With A Drunken Seagull?

Apparently, in Britain, there has been a massive increase in callouts to help drunken seagulls. It is believed the naughty little scavengers have found themselves a nice pile of brewery waste somewhere. One rescuer complained the birds stunk of alcohol and their van smelled like a pub. Bless. The gulls are sleeping it off at the RSPCA.

Over His Dead Body

What up nanny state? When a grandfather requested to have “The little bugger did his best” on his gravestone his grandson wasn’t expecting the council response. Evidently they deemed it inappropriate language. Boo. The grandson said it was his granddad’s dying wish but the English council are adamant it won’t be allowed. They fear a member of the public may get offended.

On The Buses

You get cleaned up by a bus…what do you do? Go to the pub of course….

How To Steal A Venetian Blind

Oh bless, Northamptonshire police are looking for a thief who stole a Venetian blind . He should be easy to identify….he looks like this

Yep, he concealed the window blind by quietly slipping it down his jacket and into his trakky daks so as not to draw any suspicion.

Call of Duty

A big shout out to the two Manchester police officers who responded to a 999 call. The call was made by an elderly couple who told the dispatcher they were lonely. The two cops didn’t hesitate in driving to the 95 year olds’ house and sitting down to have a cuppa and chat with them. “We’ve got to look after people as well, it’s not just fighting crime, it’s protecting people in whatever situation they find themselves”

Meanwhile in Florida a woman rang 911 asking if it was possible for someone to buy her some chicken wings and ciggies because she was too drunk to drive.

Things That Go Bump In The Night

Oh for the love of god, burn it. A nasty wooden puppet that supposedly tried to strangle its previous owner to death has been caught on camera moving in its sealed container. A trained psychologist, who has been investigating doll hauntings for 17 years, offered to study the puppet after the owner claimed it tried to kill him. For three months it has been in a sealed container blessed with holy water.  Since she has been looking after the puppet there have been unusually unexplained knocking noises coming from the room it is in.

A squirrel walks into a bar….

Imagine the surprise when you discover your bar has been trashed and the culprit staggers from behind a packet of potato chips still drunk as a skunk. Introducing one little inebriated squirrel. Seems the little rodent spent the night in the Honeybourne Railway Club getting into the alcohol. During his drunken stupor he smashed bottles , glasses and turned on the beer tap. The little guy was still pissed when he was eventually thrown out.

Free Car Wash In Wakefield

You call it in-considerate, I call friggin ingenuity. A British motorist was caught taking his car through a public fountain for a free car wash. The silver Insignia was seen driving in circles under the jets of water. Unfortunately for the driver he got busted by the cops who didn’t quite see the brilliance of it all.

The Perfect Weather For Crime

British researchers have analysed 6.6 million police records from last decade and concluded that the perfect temperature for criminal activity is 64F (18C). Seems there is pretty much zip during a heatwave because offenders are worn out by the oppressive temperatures. And I am guessing oppressive temps in Britain would be 19C. Still no cure for cancer.

Calling Jamie Oliver, Jamie Oliver to the Front Desk

Oh dear, a new report has revealed that 26,000 British kids between 5 and 9 have been admitted to hospital in the past year for…. wait for it …rotten teeth. That is like 500 per week. Thanks fruit juice and fizzy drinks!