Tag Archives: Essex

Ram Raid Fail

OMG guys, seriously?  You had a friggin car, two lorries and a forklift truck, and you still couldn’t manage to get the ATM. Get a real job.



Filed under Friggin Dumbass

I’m Not Lion

Feet up people in Essex, seems there is a friggin lion on the loose. Yes, you heard me LION! Witnesses say they saw the beast roaming the area and the thing even roared. One petrified person sprinted passed a group of people screaming “It’s a f**king lion”. All zoos say their lions are accounted for so police are now trying to locate circuses. So loons, if you see a big tan cat with a mane near the village of St Osyth, please don’t pat it.

Psst Maybe he’s a TOWIE fan…hmm, or maybe NOT?

1 Comment

Filed under All That Is Wrong With The World, Friggin Wildlife

No ID, No Whisky

OK, here’s the thing staff at One Stop Shop in Essex, if a 92 year old woman comes into your store to buy a bottle of whisky and she doesn’t have photo ID, damn straight don’t serve her. After pulling out her bus pass and blood donor card Great-grandmother Diane Taylor was  forced to go to another shop because “staff cannot sell alcohol without seeing proof of age.” Cruel, I know, but you can never be too careful.


Filed under All That Is Wrong With The World, I'm Just Saying !, Well I Never

Fuel Confusion Is Costly

My bad?

OK, one more time Essex police, the diesel goes in the diesel patrol cars and the regular gas goes in all the others.Guess how many police cars have been filled with the wrong fuel over the past seven years ? Hmm, 332. The absentmindedness has so far cost the county police department $100,000 in repair costs. The confusion has been blamed on police using both diesel and petrol patrol cars during the course of their work.



Filed under Friggin Hilarious, I'm Just Saying !, Whoops!

One Armed Cufflink Thief

Yeah, a one armed bandit.

If you had only one arm what would you steal? Hmm, try a single cufflink worth £120. A man entered the CJ Vinten store in Leigh-on-Sea, Essex did the old “knock the boxes off the counter trick” and proceeded to steal a boxing glove shaped cufflink.The thief is described as white, bald, one armed wearing a dirty navy blue bomber jacket and blue jeans. Know him, give the coppers a buzz.


Filed under All That Is Wrong With The World, Friggin Hilarious, I'm Just Saying !, They Live Among Us !, Whoops!

Dumbass Robber Of The Year

No seriously people, this would have to be the dumbass robber of the year. Picture this, a guy walks into a Southern Fried Chicken branch in Essex branding an airgun, he threatens staff but gets the munchies when he smells the chicken. So in addition to asking for money he also asked the petrified staff  to “Give me one of those Hunga Busta Meals too.” He then proceeds to sit down and eat it for 20 friggin minutes. Long enough for staff to ring 999 and call the cops. It was so surreal staff thought it was some  stupid TV prank. Dumbass has been charged with goddam everything….and I hope it includes the cost of the Hunga Busta Meals too.


Filed under Friggin Dumbass, Friggin Hilarious, Sore Loser

The Long And The Short Of It

What the hell? No diving either!

What the hell? No diving either people!

Good morning Nanny State what you got for us today? Say what? You are no longer allowed to swim the length of the council pool for health and safety reasons. Damn, you’re good. Swimmers at the Dagenham Swimming Pool in Essex have been told they must now swim the width (not the length) of the pool to make it easier for the lifeguards to save them. Yes, swimming the length of the pool would mean the Dagenham council would have to employ an extra lifeguard, so it’s short laps for everyone.Hmm, maybe it would be easier just to drain some water and make the pool ankle deep?


Filed under All That Is Wrong With The World, Friggin Nanny State, Thanks For Nothing, Well I Never