No One Will Be Picking On Him In The Playground

What does a German mother who gives birth to an enormous 13lb (6kg) baby boy (without the help of a c-section) call him? Well, if you said Jihad take a fatwa out on yourself! Mummsie, who weighs a whopping 528 lbs (240kg), is being blamed for giving birth to the enormous bub because she ate too much sweet food during her pregnancy, despite knowing she has gestational diabetes.  No word on whose to blame for the friggin name yet!!!

Keep One Eye Open

That defunct German satellite is hurtling to earth as we speak. It should be here within hours so keep your eyes peeled loons. There should be about 30 pieces coming at you at about 450kms (280miles) an hour. But as you were Aussies, Europeans and Africans, it’s not expected to hit us.  Phew!

Psst Hey Harold Camping, you  might want to stay indoors!

The Great Toilet Paper Theft Of Germany

A German politician has been left red faced after he was caught knicking rolls of toilet paper from the Mens in the town hall. Janitors set up a sting operation after more than 200 rolls vanished and  Frank-Michael John walked straight into the trap. John, a member of the far left Die Linke party, was caught with a roll in his hand and one in his backpack. Hmm, hello, it just goes to prove politicians are full of sh*t.

Psst Who has a friggin sting operation over toilet paper?

Damn Straight It’s An Emergency

OK here’s the thing drunk German, if you step off a train to have a few puffs on your cigarette and the train takes off with your beers still on board, probably not a good idea to set off the train station’s fire alarm. Authorities were not amused.

Psst Who in their right mind would leave their beers unattended?

Some Bad Day!

Having a bad day at the office? Well go kill a kid then! German police have arrested a top phone company exec following the kidnap and murder of a 10 year old boy. Known only as Olaf H, he told police that he had a very stressful day at work and as a result had an overwhelming desire to kill a child ‘I drove around aimlessly looking for a random victim, a child because I wanted to have power over somebody,’. The unsuspecting child was a young boy who was riding home from a skating rink. After dragging him into the car, Olaf raped and murdered him. Ironically after the murder Olaf’s career took off, getting himself a promotion and a pay rise.The game was eventually up when a member of the public gave police a tip-off about a blue VW Passat that had been seen in the area on the night the child went missing. After tracing 2,000 owners of Passat cars they noticed one which had been leased and then sold shortly after the killing. The car was tracked down in Russia and DNA swabbed. When confronted by police Olaf confessed to the murder and showed them where the child’s body had been dumped.

Want sauce with that?

Siberian Cycle Fail

News flash to German cyclist who suffered severe frostbite after attempting to ride through Siberia, yes it is that friggin cold! Sven Riedel decided to cycle some 300km (187 miles) from Ulan-Ude to Lake Baikal despite the temps being -35 degrees Celsius. After riding about 100km, he pitched a tent for the night but was overcome by the friggin cold. If it wasn’t for a local driver who spied the dumbass and persuaded him to get in his car, Sven would have been a human ice block. He later told journos “I didn’t think it would be so cold.” Hmm, have you never watched Hogan’s Heroes? Doctors were worried they would have to amputate a few of his fingers but all’s good, oh,  except for the frostbite on both hands and feet.

Psst I hope he warmed the bicycle seat before getting on…I’m just saying!

Mozart Stimulates Sewer Microbes

Oh for the love of god and all things bright and beautiful, bosses at a German sewage plant are playing Mozart to the tiny microbes that break down all the crap in their sewer. Seems the great composer’s music stimulates activity among the organisms and that means more efficient shit kickers. They expect the company will save at least $1200 per month thanks to The Magic Flute and Marriage of Figaro being piped across the sewage. Hmm, so they really must know their shit!

Those Friggin Aliens!

Hi, just messing with ya!

OK, no need to panic but WTF, remember NASA’s Voyager 2, the unmanned probe that was blasted off into space 33 years ago? No? Well anywho, the damn thing has begun transmitting bizarre, unintelligible signals according to German UFO expert Hartwig Hausdorf. Mr Hausdorf believes aliens have hijacked the probe which is now located near the edge of the solar system. Hmm, maybe they are just sick and tired of hearing a loop of 70’s music and greetings in 55 different languages so are sending us back some of our own medicine? Oh and NASA’s spin on the thing….  it’s a glitch in the computer memory….. but we know better than to believe them, now don’t we loons!

Heidi Is German?

Liar!

Holy mountain goat Batman, Heidi could be German! Hmm, seems Swiss author Johanna Spyri may have nicked her storyline from a German book entitled  ‘Adelaide, the Girl from the Alps’ written 50 years earlier. As the echoes of plagiarism reverberate throughout the alps, Peter Buettner is defending his claim by saying he “never wanted to take Heidi away from the Swiss.”  Geez mister, wars have been started over less! Oh boy, it doesn’t really help that Heidi is a shortened version of Adelaide nor that the storyline is virtually identical. Poor old grandfather would be turning in his grave.

I Won’t Be Kept In The Dark!

Don’t try this at home people. A German man who had his electricity cut due to his failure to pay the friggin bill got even by using a meat hook to siphon electricity. Yes,the man from Sibbesse attached a meat hook to a cable and tossed it onto a high voltage overhead powerline then siphoned power from the transmission line into his house. The man had been getting away with it for over a month before a routine check of lines caught him out. Chief executive of the regional utility Friedrich-Wilhelm Lach said it was utterly stupid and he’s lucky he wasn’t fried.