Epic Scare

WTF

Attention people of Hawaii. Get out of your bomb shelters, storm drains, cupboards and caves, there is no ballistic missile heading your way. Whoops, we bad? Seems a Government worker accidentally sent a phone warning to Smart phone users, scaring the sh*t out of them. It didn’t help that the  message said “ this is not  a drill ,seek immediate shelter” all in capital letters. It also didn’t help that it took 40 minutes to retract the message. The streets soon filled with people crying and screaming. One parent was seen shoving his kid down a manhole. Oh the humanity.

PSST Apparantly the man who activated  the text is feeling bad.

The Worlds Biggest Floating Garbage Dump Heading to the US

Arigatou gozaimasu

Hey loons, remember that Japanese tsunami ? Ever wondered where all that debris went after it got sucked into the ocean? You know all the TVs, fridges, furniture and general ruble etc. Hmm, well it’s heading to Hawaii at a great rate of knots and is expected to arrive in less than two years.Sheez, some of those tellys will be out of date by then!. Whoops, did I happen to mention that there is about 20 million tons of this crap? Currently the floating garbage dump is 2,000 miles from Japan and should hit the US coast in less than three years. Poor US, now they not only got to clean up their own backyard to clean up they got other people’s shit to clean up too.

Strike One!

Shut the hell up!!!!

Sandra Maloney (70) breathed a sigh of relief this week after she was found not guilty of beating a peacock to death with a baseball bat outside her condo in Hawaii. You see the damn thing had been keeping her awake every night with its incessant friggin squawking that in the end she just “lost it” . After killing the damn thing she had planned on eating it. The defence argued that peacocks in Hawaii were a friggin “invasive species” and needed to be controlled.

Want sauce with that?

Obama Abandons Golf Game

Oh for goodness sakes…heard of a phone? Drama, drama, drama. Obama cut his golf game short in Hawaii after an ambulance was called to his holiday home. Seems a child had been hurt in a beach accident but whatever it was didn’t require stitches. An hour later Obama was back in his motorcade and back to the course  to finish his round. Thank god, not finishing a golf game is like not finishing the last sip of coffee, all day you feel like you are missing something! This isn’t friggin news!

Psst You called an ambulance…heard of a bandaid?

This Wont Affect Our Aid Handouts Will It?

Plan B

The US have all but giggled at North Korea’s latest “fire shower of nuclear retaliation” threat. Pentagon spokesman Geoff Morrell said “I don’t even know how to respond to that.It’s silliness,for what and with what?” Ooh Dear Leader wont be at all happy with being dissed.North Korea have also threatened to “wipe the US off the map” (as soon as they can locate an atlas) starting with Hawaii. Hmm, a good as any place to start. But as Kim Jong Il and his cronies continue to jump up and down  while the rest of the world point and laugh, the US are making sure they have everything  in place just in case they manage to get an actual  missile airborne. Hmm, that’s right, Obama is already in talks with Ripley’s Believe or Not for them  to purchase exclusive rights to the footage ( gotta be thinking of ways to chip away at that deficit too!)! Meanwhile a US Destroyer is still in “piss off” mode, tailgating a North Korean ship suspected of transporting weapons to Burma.

Anywho, I shall leave the last words on the subject to the fine folks of Team America…ooh and for the sensitive souls there is a language alert towards the end!