Move over Superman, there is a new superhero in Australia. Faster than a speeding car, more powerful than a full strength, able to leap tall curbs in a single bound…it’s Demerit Man. Disguised as the mild mannered bogan of Tamworth, the dude wearing a VB beer carton on his head, covers the speed camera with a tea towel, saving the unsuspecting motorists from a certain fine. Well done Demerit Man. Thank you for using your amazing powers in a never ending battle for truth and justice.
As you know, not a fan of clowns BUT I will make an exception for Doo Doo the Clown who saved two women from a mugging. Doo Doo, a well known Canadian entertainer, spotted a shirtless dude while out and about so decided to toddled off and investigate (in his non clown Hummer). When he rolled into the alleyway he discovered the man was violently confronting the women, so he did what any Doo Doo clown would do, he rescued them.
The Loon was 5 minutes from being stranded in the US but thanks to a very persistent American Airlines pilot I was able to get home. It started on the Baltimore tarmac. We were lined up on the runway, the very next to take off, when the pilot announced that Fort Worth Airport had just closed due to thunder storms. For two hours we all sat in the plane on the tarmac, while other planes took off around us. Evidently in the US you can’t go back to the gate until you have sat on the tarmac for 2 hours. My connecting flight was due to take off in three hours. The pilot, who was trying desperately to get us to Dallas, then announced that we would be taking off in 20 minutes.
Forty minutes went by, when a very angry pilot announced that the airport had reopened but the air traffic controllers had told him the plane would have to take an alternative route. A route that was impossible because the plane didn’t have enough fuel to reach the destination. I think his words were “incompetent idiots”.
Another 10 minutes went by and the pilot announced that he was given two options, either fly the route given by removing 55 passengers or fly to Houston and refuel before flying on to Dallas. He was so pissed by then he decided to take the plane back to the gate (which he was now legally allowed to do) and stormed off the plane to sort it out personally (as we sat like fools nursing our deep vein thrombosis).
Another 10 minutes went by when a still very angry pilot returned saying he couldn’t get them to understand logic so we were flying to Houston. However, before we took off the pilot programmed several routes into the plane data just in case they came to their senses while we were in mid air. Smart little cookie, as 30 minutes into the flight he announced we could now fly directly to Fort Worth. A choice set of words were then muttered by the pilot, to which he received a rousing round of applause. We had boarded the plane at 3.45pm (for a 2 hour flight) and we touched down at 9.45pm.
My connecting flight (an international flight) was due to leave at 9.55pm. This did not look good. When we exited the aircraft a rather enormous effeminate young man in trackie daks with a Qantas paddle screamed for the 7 passengers on the Qantas flight to run with him (think Cam from Modern Family) . He took off like Usain Bolt while we all trudged behind carrying our hand luggage and desperately searching for our passports. How the hell were we going to get through customs and security?
Onto a transit train we hopped with the sweating , puffing Qantas paddleman screaming through his walkie talkie to hold the plane. He kept muttering to himself , they aren’t going to hold it, they aren’t going to hold it, as sweat dripped from his forehead. We had four stops to go. When the doors finally opened his voice went another octave higher as he screamed “run, if they see you they can’t take off”. Off he waddled waving his paddle and screaming to us move it people. I have no idea how we got on the plane without going through customs but we boarded with seconds to spare . The plane was half empty. Evidently, we were the only flight that had made it into Fort Worth/Dallas that night and the Qantas flight was the only one to leave.
So to the pilot of American Airlines and the effeminate young man with the Qantas paddle, you are both legends.
Remember the colorful Mr Charles Ramsay who helped saved Amanda Berry and the two other women from the evil Ariel Castro? Yeah, him. Well, it seems he’s been offered free burgers for the rest of his life by over a dozen Ohio restaurants. Ironically, McDonalds aint one of the restaurants, despite the enormous publicity Ramsay gave them after he had to abandoned his Big Mac to kick down the door. Friggin Ohio, the home of Bearman.
Psst An occcassional free haircut might be nice too.
While London police took
their own sweet time 20 minutes to arrive at the scene of a horrific machette and knife attack on a soldier outside the Woolwich Barracks today, a badass Cub Scout leader and mother of two confronted the attackers. Yep, this modern day hero jumped from a bus to try and shield the soldier and persuade the knife weilding attackers to put down their weapons. Mrs Loyau-Kennett, 48, from Cornwall said to the first terrorist “right now it is only you versus many people, you are going to lose, what would you like to do?” and he said “I would like to stay and fight.” She then went over to the second guy and said ‘well, what about you?’ Meanwhile the crowd that gathered watched in stunned silence , many capturing everything on their cellphone while tick tock, tick tock, everyone waited for police to arrive.
And the winner goes to Mark Wahlberg, this is what he said about 9/11 …
“If I was on that plane with my kids, it wouldn’t have went down like it did. There would have been a lot of blood in that first-class cabin and then me saying, ‘OK, we’re going to land somewhere safely, don’t worry.'”
Psst Wahlberg was actually was booked on one of the doomed flights but cancelled a week before.